20180205-Script

NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is the draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management

I’VE SAID IT ONCE I’VE SAID IT A THOUSAND TIME — AMERICA RUNS ON BULLSHIT — AND THIS WEEK? WE’RE KNEE-DEEP! CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF — AMERICA DOES NOT RUN ON DUNKINS. IT RUNS ON BULLSHIT! AND LAST WEEK — WELL LAST WEEK WAS A WEEK IN WHICH EVERYBODY HAD A FLIM-FLAM! THOSE OF YOU STILL SUFFERING FROM PTTD — POST TRAUMATIC TRUMP DISORDER — I FEEL COMPELLED TO POINT OUT THAT MICHELLE OBAMA DOES NOT APPEAR TO HAVE A CARE IN THE WORLD!

[MICHELLE]

TAKE A PAGE FROM MICHELLE — SIT BACK — RELAX — YOU’RE IN GOOD HANDS — SUCH A MEATY SHOW — NOT FOR VEGETARIANS — THIS SHOW IS SO MEATY, LIKE THE PRESIDENT HIMSELF, IT’S DRIPPING IN SATURATED FAT! SOME OF THE SUBJECT MATTER YOU’LL BE LAUGHING AT THIS WEEK — KEENAN?

[KEENAN]

I SAW THAT! SAW YOU LAUGHING AT MECROPHILIA. EVERYBODY KNOWS NECROPHILIA’S NOT FUNNY? WHERE YOU GET OFF? THAT’S KEENAN’S JOB!

[RIMSHOT]

OTHER HILARIOUS TOPICS: ABSENTEE PARENTS, SLAVERY, MURDER, POVERTY, AND ANAL SEX WITH KATIE COURIC!

LAST WEEK WAS A WEEK BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER M: MEULLEUR, MEMOS, AND THE MOOCH — THE FABULOUSLY ENTERTAINING FORMER WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI SURFACED ON REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER…THEN THERE’S THE MANUFACTURED DEBATE SWIRLING AROUND THE DECLASSIFCATION OF A CONGRESSIONAL MEMO…

[TRUMP PACKAGE]

…WHOOPI SPEAKS OF QUOTE/UNQUOTE: “THE MAN IN CHARGE.” BUT WHOSE REALLY IN CHARGE? I’M GOING TO REVEAL A TRUTH HIDDEN IN PLAIN VIEW — A TRUTH SO STARK, SO MINDNUMBING, SO CLEAR — YOU’RE GOING TO ASK YOURSELF — WHY IS THIS NOT HEADLINING WASHINGTON POST, NEW YORK TIMES AND EVERY CABLE NEWS NETWORK?

BEFORE I INTRODUCE GUESTS OF THE WEEK, I PRESENT THE RECENTLY RADICALIZED, NEWLY INCUBATED CIVIL LIBERTARIAN, JIMMY KIMMEL.

[KIMMEL PACKAGE]

PRESIDENT KENNEDY — DEBATE AND CRITICISM — NOT AFFIRMATION — IS THE LYNCHPIN TO FREEDOM AND INDEPENDENCE.

GUEST OF THE WEEK #1, THE VERY FUNNY, WANDA SYKES!

[WANDA/KEENAN]

ALL OUR HIGHLIGHTED GUESTS ARE FROM CONAN — UNPRECEDENTED — FUNNIER, KEVIN NEALON, FUNNIEST, TOM PAPA!

[NEALON/PAPA]

UNKNOWN COMIC OF THE WEEK? KELLEN ERSKINE.

[KELLEN/NEALON]

I’VE PROMISED YOU BIG THINGS THIS WEEK — THE QUESTION IS CAN I KEEP MORE PROMISES THAN I MADE? ONLY WAY TO FIND OUT IS TO START THE SHOW AS WE DO EVERY WEEK BY INTRODUCING MY SOMEWHAT GUESTS, ALL UNWITTINGLY VYING FOR THE SOON TO BE COVETED SIS BOOM BASS AWARD FOR JOKE OF THE WEEK — I’M TALKING ABOUT AMERICA’S COLLECTIVE OF LATE NITE POLITICAL PUNSTERS BEGINNING WITH…

[HOSTS/WHITNEY]

QUESTION OF THE WEEK FOR YOU — WHAT’S MISSING FROM THE SARGEANT AT ARMS STATE OF THE UNION INTRODUCTION?

[INTRO 1]

A HINT IS CONTAINED IN THE WHOOPI BITE YOU HEARD EARLIER…

[WHOOPI]

SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE PAUL RYAN — SAME THING MISSING FROM HIS OFFICIAL INTRODUCTION

[RYAN]

NO MENTION OF THE MAN — OR WHAT WHOOPI AND MANY AMERICANS THINK OF AS THE MAN IN CHARGE — NO MENTION OF HIS NAME — SARGEANT AT ARMS AND SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE DO NOT SAY ‘THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, DONALD J. TRUMP’ — IT’S JUST PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES — THEY INTRODUCE THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT — THE MAN? TRUMP? TEMPORARY ADMINISTRATOR WHOSE SINGULAR GOAL IS TO MAKE SURE THE DONALD TRUMP SHOW IS RENEWED FOR ANOTHER FOUR YEARS.

AUGUST 1792 ALEXANDER HAMILTON WRITES: “WHEN A MAN UNPRINCIPLED IN PRIVATE LIFE, DESPARATE IN HIS FORTUNE, BOLD IN HIS TEMPER, POSSESSED OF CONSIDERABLE TALENTS, HAVING THE ADVANTAGE OF MILITARY HABITS — DESPOTIC IN HIS ORDINARY DEMEANOR — KNOWN TO HAVE SCOFFED IN RIVATE AT THE PRINCIPLES OF LIBERTY — WHEN SUCH A MAN IS SEEN TO MOUNT THE HOBBY HORSE OF POPULARITY — TO JOIN IN THE CRY OF DANGER TO LIBERTY — TO TAKE EVERY OPPORTUNITY OF EMBARRASSING THE GENERAL GOVERNMENT AND BRINGING IT UNDER SUSPICION — TO FLATTER AND FALL IN WITH ALL THE NONSENSE OF THE SEALOTS OF THE DAY — IT MAY JUSTLY BE SUSPECTED THAT HIS OBJECT IS TO THROW THINGS INTO CONFUSION THAT HE MAY RIDE THE STORM AND DIRECT THE WHIRLWIND.”

JUST AS TRUMP MISPERCEIVES HIS ROLE AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, TO THE EXTENT SHE BELIEVES WE THE PEOPLE ARE RULED BY A MAN IN CHARGE. WHOOPI MISPERCEIVES HER ROLE AS A CITIZEN. WHOSE IN CHARGE? THE INDIVIDUAL WHO HAPPENS TO BE PRESIDENT? THE PEOPLE? OR OTHERWISE?

[RFK]

THEN U.S. ATTORNEY GENERAL ROBERT F KENNEDY SAYS THEN FBI DIRECTOR J EDGAR HOOVER IS RATHER A PSYCHO. BUT KENNEDY’S TALKING ABOUT YESTERDAY’S FBI. HERE’S LATE NITE LAST WEEK ON FORMER FBI DIRECTOR TURNED SPECIAL PROSECUTOR, ROBERT MUELLER
.

[PACKAGE]

THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, PLEASE EMAIL YOUR FULL NAME AND ADDRESS, SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, CREDIT CARD NUMBERS, EXPIRATION DATES, SECURITY CODES, AND YOUR PIN NUMBER TO MARK@MARKWHITNEY.COM

THE INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY IS REPRESENTED ON CABLE NEWS BY FORMER FBI SENIOR INTELLIGENCE ADVISER TURNED CNN CONTRIBUTOR, PHILIP MUDD.

[MUDD/PANETTA PACKAGE]

THAT WAS OBAMA CIA DIRECTOR LEON PANETTA. THE ABSENCE OF PRESIDENTIAL DEFERENCE TO THE INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY IS A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS, EVEN THOUGH WE THE PEOPLE ANNOINTED PRESIDENTS AND ONLY PRESIDENTS WITH THE UNREVIEWABLE, UNCHECKED AUTHORITY TO DECLASSIFY ANYTHING FOR ANY REASON. IF PRIOR TO LAST WEEK PRESIDENT TRUMP DID NOT KNOW HE HAS THIS POWER, HE KNOWS NOW.

LAST WEEK WAS A WEEK IN WHICH UNITED STATES SENATOR RAND PAUL SAT DOWN WITH COLBERT.

[MUSIC — AND RAND PAUL AND KENNEDY]

HOST OF MEET THE PRESS RELEASE CHUCK TODD IMPLICITLY ECHOES MILD-MANNERED WASHINGTON POST OPINIONATOR, EUGENE ROBINSON, WHO SHORTLY AFTER THE MEMO WAS DECLASSIFIED, WROTE WITH ADMIRATION THAT THAT OUR OWN INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY IS NOT THE LEAST BIT OBJECTIVE OR APOLITICAL, BUT WILL IN THE LONG, TRADITION ESTABLISHED BY J EDGAR HOOVER, RETAILIATE AGAINST PRESIDENTS — AND PRESUMABLY THEIR FRIENDS AND FAMILY — SOLELY FOR POLITICAL REASONS. TAKING ROBINSON AT HIS WORD, AN INTELLIGENT CITIZEN HAS TO WONDER HOW PAST THREATS OF POLITICALLY-MOTIVATED RETALIATION HAS WEAKENED OR ALTERED THE DECISIONS OF PREVIOUS PRESIDENTS WHO SWEAR AN OATH ONLY TO THE PEOPLE. HOW HAS THE THREAT OF RETALIATION INFLUENCED MEMBERS OF CONGRESS AND THE JUDICIARY? AND ANOTHER THING — WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE AND WHY HAVE THEY NOT BEEN FIRED?

I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE PROBABLY THINKING — COME ON MARK — THIS IS ONE REPORTER. WE’RE TALKING ABOUT TODAY’S FBI, TODAY’S CIA, TODAY’S INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY NOT J EDGAR HOOVER!!! TO THAT I SAY — PHILIP MUDD LAST WEEK ON CNN.

[PHILIP MUDD]

PHILIP MUDD’S A FUCKING THUG — OPENLY BOASTING THAT THE INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY WILL ACT OUTSIDE OF IT’S STATUTORILY PRESCRIBED AUTHORITY AND RETAILIATE AGAINST A SHITTING PRESIDENT — NOT A TYPO — RETAILIATE AGAINST A SHITTING PRESIDENT SOLELY FOR POLITICAL REASONS. I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE PROBABLY THINKING — COME ONE MARK — THAT’S ONE FORMER MEMBER OF THE INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY — AND TO THAT I SAY — SENATE MINORITY LEADER CHUCK SCHUMER.

[SCHUMER]

I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE PROBABLY THINKING — ONE INSIDER FROM THE WASHINGTON POST, ANOTHER INSIDER FROM CNN, ONE SENATE MINORITY LEADER — INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY IS STAFFED 100% BY PATRIOTS WHO TAKE HUMBLE PRIDE IN BEING OBJECTIVE AND IMPARTIAL DESPITE THE HOSTILE OPINIONS OF THEIR DETRATORS. AND TO THAT I AGAIN GIVE YOU FORMER OBAMA CIA DIRECTOR LEON PANETTA.

[PANETTA]

LEON PANETTA — THE INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY WILL SELECTIVELY PROVIDE INFORMATION IF YOUR DULY ELECTED REPRESENTATIVES IN CONGRESS DO NOT BEHAVE TO ITS LIKING.

[PHILIP MUDD]

PHILIP MUDD REMIND YOU OF ANYONE — LIKE SAY — WHOOPI GOLDBERG — LIKE WHOOPI, MUDD THINKS A MAN IS IN CHARGE AND IF HE CAN JUST GET THAT MAN, EVERYTHING WILL RETURN TO NORMAL. WHAT MUDD — THIS GREAT PATRIOT FORGETS — IS THAT WE THE PEOPLE ARE IN CHARGE.

[1908]

THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT THAT WE THE PEOPLE CREATED, HAS BEEN AROUND SINCE APRIL 30TH, 1789 — HUNDRED NINETEEN YEARS LONGER THAN THE INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY AND 171 YEARS LONGER THAN PHILIP FUCKING MUDD. ONCE AGAIN THE MCARTHYITE, J EDGAR HOOVER.

[HOOVER/KIMMEL]

WHEN HE READ THE DECLASSIFIED MEMO FIRED FBI DIRECTOR JAMES COMEY TWEETED: “ALL SHOULD APPRECIATE THE FBI SPEAKING UP. I WISH MORE OF OUR LEADERS WOULD. BUT TAKE HEART: AMERICAN HISTORY SHOWS THAT IN THE LONG RUN WEASELS AND LIARS NEVER HOLD THE FIELD, SO LONG AS GOOD PEOPLE STAND UP. NOT A LOT OF SCHOOLS OR STREETS NAMED FOR JOE MCCARTHY.

YES — BUT THE BUILDING YOU WORKED IN FOR TEN YEARS — SAME BUILDING ALL WASHINGTON FBI AGENTS WORK AT — THAT BUILDING — TO THIS DAY — IS NAMED AFTER J EDGAR HOOVER, WITH A SIGN HONORING HIS LEGACY SITTING OUT FRONT.

YA’ THINK ABOUT IT — WHO NEEDS RUSSIANS?