20180306-Script

THANK YOU SHADOE! HICK N DICKS! LATE NITE WAS IN RERUNS DURING THE OLYMPICS — DID SIX METOO SHOWS LAST YEAR — TODAY I WANNA TALK MAN THINGS — THAT’S RIGHT — MAN THINGS — WHY MAN THINGS?

THE OSSIFIED, MOSTLY WHITE MALE DOWN AT THE NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION. NRA IS NOT FOR PROFIT AFFILIATE MARKETING COMPANY THAT DOESN’T PAY TAXES. WHICH IS TO SAY THEY’VE GOT THEIR PRESIDENT!

[TRUMP 1]

YOU HEAR THAT! PRESIDENT BELIEVES HE CAN RUN!

[TRUMP 2]

HOW GREAT WOULD IT BE TO TEST THAT PATHETIC ROLE PLAYING FANTASY?!

I’D FLY TO D.C. BUT TSA WON’T LET ME TRAVEL WITH MY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT PRESSURE COOKER!

[SFX: GUNSHOTS]

THOSE OF YOU DOWN AT THE FBI, THIS IS SATIRE! LIKE YOUR RUSSIA INVESTIGATION!

WHERE WAS I — MAN THINGS — SPECIFICALLY OLD WHITE BABY BOOMER MAN THINGS — DEFENSIVE. DESTRUCTIVE. SENTIMENTAL FOR THE GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN YOU COULD DEPRIVE YOUR WIFE AND KIDS OF FOOD AND BEAT THEM WITH IMPUNITY! THEY RUN EVERYTHING. WHEN’S THE LAST TIME THEY ADMITTED TO FUCKING UP ANYTHING?

THE ANSWER IS DICK’S SPORTING GOODS. WHAT’S HIS NAME? THINK ABOUT IT. CEO OF DICK’S SPORTING GOODS — IF YOU’RE THINKING DICK WRONG SHOW — YOU WANT DAN SAVAGE — I THOUGHT THE SAME THING — I THOUGHT RICHARD — FRIENDS CALL HIM DICK FOR SHORT — TURNS OUT WE’RE ALL WRONG — IT’S ED — ED STACK — OR AS WIKIPEDIA CALLS HIM — AN HEIR — COOL JOB — WHAT DO YOU DO? — PEOPLE LEAVE ME SHIT FOR A LIVING — TURNS OUT RICHARD DICK FOR SHORT STACK LEAVES DICK’S TO ED — 610 DICK’S NATIONWIDE — 611 IF YOU INCLUDE MIKE PENCE — ED’S LIKE: “WE FUCKED UP!” NOT GONNA’ SELL AUTOMATIC WEAPONS LIKE THE ONES USED TO KILL 17 OF YOUR FELLOW CITIZENS IN FLORIDA. UNLIKE FLORIDA SENATOR MARCO RUBIO — DICK’S HAS BALLS! TEN MINUTES.

[PARKLAND KIDS]

BOYS DOING MAN THINGS.

[RIFLEMAN]

THAT CLIP FROM THE RIFLEMAN — NOT RIFLEPERSON — I SAY THAT BECAUSE LAST WEEK WAS ALSO A WEEK IN WHICH THIS HAPPENED ON CABLE NEWS.

[TUCKER]

FOR STARTERS — I GREW UP IN VERMONT, I KNOW VERMONT, RECENTLY STOPPED FOR SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS IN MANCHESTER VERMONT — WHICH IS NOT A CITY IT’S A TOWN — AND ANOTHER THING — WHO SAYS QUOTE UNQUOTE “WE DON’T WANT TO BE OFFENSIVE IN OUR LANGUAGE” — WHERE DOES COMEDY AND SATIRE FIT INTO THAT THESIS — TAKE MOCKING — FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO I SPECIFICALLY MOCKED OUR PINDICKWAVING, FAT FUCK, KNUCKLEDRAGGING, DEVIL COCKSUCKING POLITICAL HACKS — WOMEN ARE NOT THE PROBLEM — WOMEN DON’T RUN SHIT AND IT’S GOING TO STAY THAT WAY AS LONG AS WE HAVE THESE VIRTUE SIGNALLING DOPES — DON’T CAL LME A WOMAN CALL ME A PERSON — HOW BOUT CUNT? HOW BOUT I CALL YOU A CUNT — PERSON DOESN’T POP — WHEN MOCKING I PREFER WORDS THAT END IN HARD CONSONANTS — CUNT IS ONE SUCH WORD — OF ALL THE TIMES TO WATER DOWN THE LANGUAGE, WEAKEN POLITICAL RHETORIC, WEAKEN YOUR OWN POSITION — YOU PICK NOW?! DID YOU FORGET WHO THE PRESIDENT IS? DID YOU MISS METOO? TIMESUP? I DID SIX SHOWS — NINE HOURS LAST YEAR — IN SUPPORT OF METOO. NOT ONCE DID I BLAME A WOMAN AND NOT ONCE DID I CALL HARVEY WEINSTEIN, JAMES TOBACK, LOUIS C.K., MATT LAUER OR CHARLIE ROSE A PERSON. “PERSON” IS A LEGAL TERM. IT’S ALL OVER THE UNITED STATES CODE. IT’S THE WORD THE GOVERNMENT USES TO GET JURISDICTION OVER INDIVIDUALS, ORGANIZATIONS AND NATIONS. PERSON IS SOULSUCKING. WHY? BECAUSE TODAY WE HAD A STORY TO TELL ABOUT MEN NOT DOING THEIR JOB AND PERSON? — PERSON DOESN’T TELL THE STORY!

[THANKS PA]

GOOD NIGHT!!!

——–
FORMER GEORGIA REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN JACK KINGSTON…

[BITE]

I SAY THIS SINCERELY — THE POLITICAL CLASS IN THE UNITED STATES HAS NEVER BEENMORE CLUELESS. HENCE PRESIDENT TRUMP! THAT RALLY BY THE WAY — WHICH KIMMEL CALLED OUT ON THE OSCARS — MARCH 24TH!

THE GREAT JOHN OLIVER GETS THE LAST WORD!

HICKS N DICKS. I WANNA TALK MAN THINGS!

MEN HAVE BEEN EXPOSED — IF YOU’RE OVER FIFTY — YOU’RE DANGEROUS — KNOW WHY? — YOU’RE SET IN YOUR WAYS — YOU’RE NARROW MINDED — WISDOM IS ANOTHER WORD FOR “LISTEN” — AGE IS A WAY OF PULLING RANK —

AN “HEIR” — COOL JOB — PEOPLE LEAVE YOU SHIT FOR A LIVING —

PATREON — BUY INTO MY AGENDA — MAN THINGS

HICKS N DICKS!

MANDATORY CARRY — NO CONSTITUTIONAL PROBLEMS — GUNS EQUAL FREEDOM — MORE GUNS MEAN MORE FREEDOM — STARS N STRIPES —

SENDING BOYS TO DO A MAN’S JOB — IT’S THE MEN — NOT THE WOMEN — THE MEN WHO ARE FAILING — THEY BUY INTO MY AGENDA — SO — YOU’RE FOR SALE!