20180521-Script

THE LATE NITE LAST WEEK BOOK OF THE WEEK IS JAKE TAPPER’S “HELLFIRE CLUB” — SELLS FOR $26.75 — BUT THE 10 HOUR AUDIO VERSION — NARRATED BY THE AUTHOR — CAN BE YOURS FOR FREE WITH YOUR FREE TRIAL AT AUDIBLE DOT COM SLASH MARK THAT’S AUDIBLE DOT COM SLASH MARK!

[OPEN A]

CAN JIM JEFFERIE’S BLOODY DICK PREDICT THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES? IT’S AN ABSURD QUESTION. BUT AS COMMITTED LISTENERS KNOW, I’M NOT ONE TO JERK YOU OFF. I DO THE WORK. AND BECAUSE I DO THE WORK — FIRST TIMERS — HERE’S HOW YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN GOOD HANDS — IT’S THE UNIQUE INSIGHT — INSIGHT THAT I AND I ALONE DEVELOPED BECAUSE I DID THE WORK — I CAN PROVIDE IT — LAST WEEK WAS A WEEK IN WHICH CONAN, CORDEN, COLBERT, FALLON, KIMMEL, MEYERS AND TREVOR NOAH PUT UP 28 HOURS OF PROGRAMMING — MINUS NINE HOURS OF COMMERCIALS — 19 NET HOURS OF PROGRAMMING — THEY SPEND FOUR MINUTES MOCKING FAST FOOD — OR DID THEY?

[CONAN 1]

MISDIRECTION. FIRST STORY? MCDONALDS. SECOND STORY? LONG JOHN SILVERS!

[CONAN 2/MEYERS]

AGAIN — MISDIRECTION. FIRST STORY? AN ATTACK ON EINSTEINS. SECOND STORY? AN ATTACK ON PEOPLE WHO EAT AT EINSTEINS.

[SUBWAY]

FIRST STORY? MCDONALDS. SECOND STORY? THE HORRORS OF RIDING THE SUBWAY.

[FALLON BUNS]

FIRST STORY? TRUMP’S HISTORY WITH FAST FOOD. SECOND STORY? TRUMP’S HISTORY OF SEXUAL ASSAULT.

[FALLON KHLOE]

FIRST STORY? HASH BROWNS. SECOND STORY? PUT YOUR MONEY DOWN!

COMPARE THE PRECEDING JOKES WITH THE FOLLOWING FOUR JOKES BY FALLON — DIRECT HITS ON BURGER KING. CHIPOTLE. SEVEN ELEVEN. CHILIS.

[MASHUP]

BIGGEST HIT OF ALL? AWARD FOR FAST FOOD JOKE OF THE WEEK? CONAN O’BRIEN!

[ARBYS 1]

ARBY’S IS JUST A FUNNY WORD. CONAN’S NEVER MORE AUTHENTIC THAN WHEN HE’S HITTING ARBYS!

[ARBYS 2]

SPOKEN WORD AT IT’S BEST — NAILS PEOPLE TO THEIR SEATS WITH WORDS LIKE ‘SKELETON’ AND ‘BONES.’ IT’S PRIMAL. AUDIENCE EXPLODES!

THAT WHOLE BIT WAS MISDIRECTION. FIRST STORY? FAST FOOD TRIVIA. SECOND STORY? THE RAW POWER OF FLAWLESSLY EXECUTED SPOKEN WORD. ONE MAN. FACES DOWN A CROWD. BEARS THE HEAVY BURDEN OF HAVING TO BE FUNNY. HIS ENTIRE BODY? LITERALLY ON THE LINE! HITS IT OUTTA THE PARK!

[VALUES INTRO]

‘VALUES.’ IS THERE ANYMORE BULLSHIT WORD? THE PROGRESSIVE VALUES WE HOLD SO DEAR. THE CONSERVATIVE VALUES WE HOLD SO DEAR?

LET’S SAY WE’RE ON A FIRST DATE — LET’S JUST SAY — FIRST DATE — HALFWAY THROUGH THE SALAD — I LOOK UP — TAKE A BEAT — I’M LIKE: “TELL ME, MARY. WHAT VALUES DO YOU HOLD DEAR?”

WOULD YOU STICK AROUND FOR THE ENTREE?

“TELL ME YOUR VALUES.” SERIOUSLY. I REALLY WANNA KNOW. BY ALL MEANS. FLATTER YOURSELF.

[COMEY 1]

“I READ THE BOOK — EVERY PAGE — AND I GOTTA TELL YA’ — BOOK SUCKS! BUT, I LIKE THE AUTHOR!”

[COMEY 2]

“THE VALUES OF OUR LEADERSHIP MATTERS.” SO WHAT DOES COMEY DO TO THE WOMAN WHO GETS OFF THE COUCH, HEADS DOWN TO HER LOCAL BARNES AND NOBLE?

[BARNES NOBLE PROTESTOR]

HIS GOONS THROW HER OUT. GETS OFF THE COUCH. STANDS FOR SOMETHING. REFUSES TO ANSWER HER QUESTION. IDENTICAL SITUATION. THE SPEAKER IS BRUTALLY HECKLED. LISTEN TO HOW HE HANDLES IT. THREE MINUTES.

[OBAMA]

I HEAR YOU. I UNDERSTAND. I’VE BEEN RESPECTFUL. (SUBTEXT OF ‘I’VE BEEN RESPECTFUL’ IS “UNLIKE YOU” — REGAINS CONTROL OF THE OTHERWISE PARTISAN ROOM — HENCE THE APPLAUSE) — ONCE HE HAS THE ROOM BACK HE AGREES — LARGE NUMBER OF DEPORTATIONS — ADMITS THE NEGATIVE — TOTALLY ON BRAND.

[TRUMP]

“KNOCK THE CRAP OUT OF HIM!” ALSO ON BRAND.

TWO PRESIDENTS. ONE RESPECTFUL. ONE DISRESPECTFUL. BOTH AUTHENTIC. BOTH DANGEROUS. DANGEROUS IN THE SENSE THAT EACH REPRESENTED A POWERFUL ENOUGH POLITICAL THREAT TO ACTUALLY GET ELECTED PRESIDENT.

[MCKEE]

THE GREAT ROBERT MCKEE AUTHOR OF THE BOOK STORY — MCKEE HAS TRAINED EVERY WRITER OF EVERY MOVIE YOU’VE EVER LOVED — WHICH IS TO SAY HE TRAINS PEOPLE HOW TO WRITE FOR WORDS SPOKEN.

WRITTEN VERSUS SPOKEN — EXAMPLE

2015 OBAMA TAKES EXCEPTION TO COMEY’S CHARACTERIZATION OF MASS INCARCERATION — CALLS COMEY INTO THE OVAL OFFICE — THIS IS WHAT THE WRITTEN VERSION OF COMEY’S DEFENSE SOUNDS LIKE IN HIS BOOK:

“IT WAS INACCURATE IN THE SENSE THAT THERE WAS NOTHING ‘MASS’ ABOUT MASS INCARCERATION.: EVERY DEFENDANT WAS CHARGED INDIVIDUALLY, REPRESENTED INDIVIDUALLY BY COUNSEL, CONVICTED BY A COURT INDIVIDUALLY, SENTENCED INDIVIDUALLY, REVIEW ON APPEAL INDIVIDUALLY, AND INCARCERATED. THAT ADDED UP TO A LOT OF PEOPLE IN JAIL, BUT THERE WAS NOTHING ‘MASS’ ABOUT IT!”

LET’S SAY YOUR COMEY RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT, YOU’RE IN A SMALL TOWN, DEPENDS ON THE PRIVATE PRISON INDUSTRY TO PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE:

“MASS INCARCERATION? THAT’S WHAT SID CALLS IT! MASS INCARCERATION! NOTHING ‘MASS’ ABOUT IT! EVERY DEFENDANT? CHARGED INDIVIDUALLY! EVERY DEFENDANT? REPRESENTED BY COUNSEL — INDIVIDUALLY! EVERY DEFENDANT? CONVICTED INDIVIDUALLY, SENTENCED INDIVIDUALLY, REVIEWED ON APPEAL INDIVIDUALLY! SO — GIVE ME A BREAK ALREADY WITH THE MASS INCARCERATION!”

CROWD GOES WILD!

I HAVE ROBERT MCKEE’S MUG ON MY DESK — ADMONISHES ME TO WRITE THE TRUTH — DOESN’T SAY — WRITE WHAT HAPPENED — DOESN’T SAY — JUST THE FACTS — BECAUSE FACTS ARE NOT TRUTH — TRUTH — EMOTIONAL TRUTH OF WHAT HAPPENED IS WHAT THE FACTS MEAN TO YOU — ONE PIECE AT A TIME WE PUT THE MEAT ON THE BONES — EVEN AS WE FIND THE DEEPER MEANING BEHIND JIM JEFFERIES BLEEDING OUT OF HIS PENIS — BUT NOT UNTIL I TELL YOU ABOUT SOME OF THE OTHER VOICES YOU’LL HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW!

[TRACY 1]

NOBODY SETS UP GUEST OF THE WEEK TRACY MORGAN BETTER THAN CONAN — ALSO LATER? UNKNOWN COMICS OF THE WEEK, DOV DAVIDOFF AND FOR THE THIRD TIME, PETE LEE MAKES THE CUT!

[DOV/LEE]

AND STEVE MARTIN SHORT SITS DOWN WITH FALLON!

[SMS/MORGAN/TAPPER]

JAKE TAPPER WITH THE BRILLIANT LIBERTARIAN HOST, NICK GILLESPIE OVER AT REASON DOT COM — DISCUSSING BOOK OF THE WEEK HELLFIRE CLUB AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW WITH YOUR FREE TRIAL AT AUDIBLE DOT COM SLASH MARK — THAT’S AUDIBLE DOT COM SLASH MARK!

[CLOSE THIS DEAL]

THE BOSS IS OUT OF TOWN AND WHITNEY’S GOIN’ NUTZZZ! LET’S RELEASE THE COMEDIANS — I’M TALKING ABOUT MY UNWITTING GUESTS, MY ANAL ACCOMPLISTS IN COMEDIC CRIME, ALL VYING FOR THE SOON TO BE COVETTED SIS BOOM BAA AWARD FOR JOKE OF THE WEEK — BEGINNING WITH…

EASTER EGG: COLON O’BRIEN — CONAN’S TWIN BROTHER

I AM NOT IN THE BLUE OR RED MATRIX — I’M IN THE PRINCIPLE MATRIX…

[OPEN A: JERKOFF/BOWEN/JEFFERIES]

JULIE JERKOFF, JULIE BOWEN ON PENIS PULLING AND JIM JEFFERIES ACTUALLY PULLING…LEAVE THAT RIGHT THERE…THE MOST COMFORTABLE

MANIPULATORS AND MARGINALIZERS

THOSE OF YOU HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME — THAT OPEN IS A METAPHOR — BREAK THEM APART PUT THEM BACK TOGETHER BY SUBJECT MATTER — LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN –[FAST FOOD RANT] — BUT ALSO A SET UP FOR WHAT’S TO COME — LAST WEEK I SAID AMERICA IS WRITING A NEW STORY — WANNA CHANGE THAT — AMERICA IS WRITING A NEW JOKE BECAUSE THE OLD JOKE ISN’T FUNNY ANYMORE — WRITING A NEW STORY BECAUSE NOBODY’S LISTENING TO THE OLD STORY — JIM JEFFERIES SYNTHESIZES THE COCKPLAY THAT LINKS THE THREE JOKES — WHAT’S DIFFERENT IS THIS — JULIE JERKOFF WAS A MISTAKE — JULIE BOWEN IS TALKING ABOUT LITTLE BOYS PULLING THEIR PENIS — JIM JEFFERIES IS TALKING ABOUT HIS OWN PENIS — HE’S THE GUY PULLING IT — IT’S NOT A BIT — IT’S AN AUSTERE CORPORATE ENVIRONMENT — LATE NIGHT IS CORPORATE COMEDY — HAS TO CLEAR THE CENSORS — SO NOT EDGY — MORE LIKE A FUNNY ECHO CHAMBER — BUT SO MUCH TO BE LEARNED…PLUS I AM GOING TO CONFESS TO LIES I TOLD IN #100…FACTCHECKERS BE LIKE PIGS IN SHIT…FACTS ARE NOT TRUTH…WRITE THE TRUTH…NOT WHAT HAPPENED…NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR WHAT HAPPENED…

·SOTW·GOTW·HOSTS·OVERTIME
·SOME OF THE VOICES YOU’RE GONNA HERE ON TODAY’S SHOW…

JULIE JERKOFF — RUSSIAN

WHCD — ONE SHOT — OKAY — LET’S RELEASE THE COMEDIAN — LOT OF DISTANCE BETWEEN YOU AND THE PLACE WHERE THE JOKE LANDS — IT’S NOT A GREAT OUTING — BUT THE ACTION OF DOING IT IS WHAT’S GREAT — TRUMP ISN’T THERE — HE LOOKS SMALL FOR NOT ENGAGING — GRAB ‘EM BY THE PUSSY IS THE TARGETS WORDS — HE SAID IT AND NOW HE’S THE PRESIDENT

M2 MONOLOGUE: CHEERING FOR THE THIEF? ARE YOU CHEERING HIM ON?

STUDENT COUNCIL PRESIDENT — JASON — CRUSHED HIM — VENDING MACHINE
>>>AND I DELIVERED
>>>THEN I STARTED A SCHOOL STORE AND EMBEZZLED — JUST ENOUGH FOR LUNCH — I WAS ON MY OWN
>>>POLITICALLY CORRUPT

OPRAH IS WRONG — OPINION CONVICTS — JUDGES WRITE OPINIONS — JURIES RENDER OPINIONS — IT IS THEIR OPINION, THEIR INTERPRETATION OF THE FACTS THAT CONVICT. OPRAH ALSO FAILS TO RECOGNIZE THE NEGATIVE. SHE’S TELLING ONE SIDE. SHE’S PANDERING. JUDICIAL OPINIONS AND OPINIONS OF JURIES ALSO ACQUIT. OPINIONS ARE INCONSLUSIVE. TWO JURIES IN THE COSBY CASE CAME TO TWO DIFFERENT CONCLUSIONS. COSBY CHANGED HORSES AND DID WORSE THE SECOND TIME AROUND. DIFFERENT JURY. CHANGED LAWYERS, CHANGED JURY, CHANGED CULTURE. FACTS ARE OFTEN NOT IN DISPUTE. WHAT YOUR CAR SAYS ABOUT YOUR VALUES. DO THEY MEET THE BURDEN OF PROOF?
DRIVE A PRIUS? YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE.
DRIVE AN ESCALADE? YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE.
E-350 FROM MOE — MOE v MARK (POWER OF STORYTELLING)
NORWICH = ESTABLISHMENT DEMOCRATS
>>>I’M AN ADJECTIVE IN A VILLAGE OF NOUNS. (“I AM A LIBERAL.”)
>>>>>>OBVIOUSLY YOU HAVEN’T THOUGHT THIS THROUGH.
>>>>>>YOU CHOSE A SIDE. AHEAD OF TIME. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
>>>>>>LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER AS AN ADJECTIVE.
>>>>>>LIBERAL MINDED — PHILISOPHICAL — PRINCIPLE INVOLVED — FUNDAMENTAL TO LIBERAL DEMOCRACIES — DEFINITELY A LIBERAL — I’M MARK.
>>>>>>I CHOSE SIDES…

FACTS WHICH SUPPORT YOUR SIDE ARE GOOD FACTS. FACTS THAT DON’T ARE BAD FACTS. OTHER FACTS ARE IRRELEVANT.

GUILIANI: “I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU SEPARATE FACT AND OPINION.”

SPOKEN WORD IS DIFFERENT FROM THE S.A.T. IT IS AN EXTREME ACT. YOUR BODY ON THE LINE. I STOOD IN A BARREL.

YOU CAN BUY MCKEES BOOK FOR $00.00 OR GET THE AUDIO VERSION FOR FREE ON AUDIBLE DOT COM SLASH MARK — BUT PEOPLE REGULARLY PAY $1,000 FOR THE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE OF BEING IN THE ROOM WITH MCKEE AND OTHER PEOPLE TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO CREATE A STORY.

HADER: I CAN DO THIS HILARIOUS THING…
WOLF: I CAN’T DO IMPRESSIONS…

>>>’THERE WAS A TIME WHEN MOST PEOPLE WORRIED ABOUT GOING TO HELL IF THEY VIOLATED AN OATH TAKEN IN THE MODERN NAME OF GOD. THAT DEVINE DETERRENCE HAS SLIPPED AWAY FROM OUR MODERN CULTURES. IN ITS PLACE, PEOPLE MUST FEAR GOING TO JAIL. THEY MUST FEAR THEIR LIVES BEING TUNRED UPSIDE DOWN. THEY MUST FEAR THEIR PICTURES SPLASHED ON NEWSPAPERS AND WEBSITES. PEOPLE MUST FEAR HAVING THEIR NAMES FOREVER ASSOCIATED WITH A CRIMINAL ACT. IF WE ARE TO HAVE A NATION WITH THE RULE OF LAW.’
>>>ADAPTED TO ACTIVE PRESENT TENSE FOR SPOKEN WORD — ON MASS INCARCERATION: “IT WAS INACCURATE IN THE SENSE THAT THERE WAS NOTHING ‘MASS’ ABOUT THE INCARCERATION: EVERY DEFENDANT WAS CHARGED INDIVIDUALLY, REPRESENTED INDIVIDUALLY BY COUNSEL, CONVICTED BY A COURT INDIVIDUALLY, SNTENCED INDIVIDUALLY, REVIEWED ON APPEAL INDIVIDUALLY, AND INCARCERATED.”