20181112-Script

I’VE GOT SOMETHING NEW — AS IN A NEW HOUR OF LATE NITE LAST WEEK — GOOD FOR WHAT AILS YA’– DON’T BELIEVE ME — GOT THE SWORN STATEMENTS OF LISTENERS IN MY TRUNK — SEE ME AFTER THE SHOW — AND YES — WE’LL GET TO PRESIDENT RICKLES IN DUE COURSE — BUT FIRST — ALL EYES ARE ON RUTH BADER GINSBURG — BREAKS THREE RIBS AT EIGHTY FIVE — SHE’S SEEN SO MUCH — RIZE OF THE NAZIS. LOSS OF CIVIL RIGHTS. THAT’S JUST SINCE SHE WAS EIGHTY THREE!

AND ANOTHER THING — CAN WE STOP WITH THE GRINCH — WE HAVE MORE GRINCHES THAN DEMOCRATS WHO WANT TO REPLACE THE COMMANDER IN BRIEFS — AND ANOTHER ANOTHER THING — IN THE SIX DAY RUN UP TO THE ELECTION, FOX N FRIENDS MENTIONS THE CARAVAN 21 TIMES PER EPISODE — SINCE THEN — CRICKETS? RAISES A QUESTION: WHAT DO CRICKETS HEAR WHEN A JOKE BOMBS?

BUT THAT’S NOT WHY I CALLED!

YOU’RE SNL — QUESTION: HOW DO YOU FINESSE DICK JOKES IN THE METOO ERA?
ANSWER: YOU DISPATCH KEENAN, CHRIS REDD AND LIL WAYNE TO THE CLUB, WHERE NO MEANS NO, AND LEAVING KATE MCKINNON TO FILL THAT GAP — IF YA’ GET MY MEANING!

[SNLMASHUP/THROWDOWN]

FOR A RINGMASTER NOT REPUDIATED IN THE MIDTERMS — THEREBY CEMENTING THE SIDESHOW AT CENTER RING — THE MAN WHO PUTS THE CON IN CONSTITUTION, PLAYS A NINETY MINUTE ROUND OF BEAT THE PRESS. HERE’S NINETY SECONDS.

[PRESSER BITES]

SO MUCH MORE ON THAT CLUSTERFUCK IN WHICH A CNN REPORTER IS ARBITRARILY STRIPPED OF HIS CREDENTIAL WITHOUT DUE PROCESS, ALL UNDER THE PRETENSE OF ASSAULTING A WHITE HOUSE INTERN! GRABS HER BY THE ARM! TRUMP YELLS LOWER!

[RIMSHOT]

THEN HE YELLS, “THAT’S MY JOB!”

[RIMSHOT]

THAT AND LATE NIGHT SAYS HELLO TO ACTING UNITED STATES ATTORNEY GENERAL MATT WHITAKER.

[WHITAKER]

MATT WHITAKER IN CONTEXT — TOP LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER IN CANADA — 51ST ATTORNEY GENERAL OF CANADA — THE HONOURABLE JODY WILSON-RAYBOULD…

[JODY]

THE THIRTY FIRST ATTORNEY GENERAL OF NEW ZEALAND, HONOURABLE DAVID PARKER OF NEW ZEALAND…

[PARKER]

AND THE ATTORNEY GENERAL FOR ENGLAND AND WALES THE RIGHT HONOURABLE — WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE HONOURABLE AND THE RIGHT HONOURABLE — I’M GUESSING SEVERAL HUNDRED YEARS — GEOFFREY COX EVERYBODY…

[COX]

AND THIS — THIS IS OUR GUY!

[WHITAKER]

JACUZZI SALESMAN — FRESH OFF THE MIDWAY DOWN AT THE COUNTY FAIR — NOT SAYING HE’S A FRAUD — I AM SAYING HIS EMAIL ADDRESS MATT@TARGETTHEELDERLY.COM — CAN’T BLAME THE GUY FOR TAKING THE JOB — NOT EVERY DAY AN ASSISTANT MANAGER GETS APPOINTED ATTORNEY GENERAL!

IF YA’ THINK ABOUT IT, WHAT WITH THE UNITED STATES CIRCLING THE DRAIN, WHO BETTER THAN A BATHTUB SALESMAN?!

“CALL NOW AND WE’LL DOUBLE THE ORDER!”

MEANWHILE, IT’S FULL ON HOLIDAY SEASON HERE IN SAN DIEGO — I KNOW CAUSE AT NIGHT THE PALM TREES ARE LIT LIKE CANDY CANES AND THE MALL SHARK IS CLOSING FAST ON THE SURFING PENGUIN!

MAYBE WE DO NEED MORE GRINCHES!

WHATDAYA SAY WE BRING OUT THE ATTORNEYS GENERAL OF LATE NIGHT, ALL UNWITTINGLY VYING FOR THE SOON TO BE COVETED SIS BOOM BAA AWARD FOR JOKE OF THE WEEK, BEGINING WITH SETH MEYERS WHO WAS AS SURPRISED AS I WAS TO LEARN THERE’S A MARKET FOR V-NECK HUMOR!

[AWARDS]