20190119-Script


NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is a draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management

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THANK YOU, SHADOE!

SITTIN’ HERE EATING MY NUMB-NUTS AND BERRIES! TRUE STORY. ALL ORGANIC! PUT A PIC ON THIS POST · LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM DATED JANUARY NINETEENTH · SWEET BELL PEPPER, RADISHES, GRANNY SMITH APPLES, CELERY, CARROTS. ALL ORGANIC. YOU WILL NOT SEE ORGANIC ORANGES. LIKE MY ORANGES MARINATED IN CANCER. BUT THAT’S NOT WHY I CALLED!

[MEYERS]

LOT OF YOU WRITE FROM AUSTRAILIA, U.K, CANADA, YOU’RE LIKE: “CRAZY WHAT’S HAPPENING UNITED STATES!”

WE’RE RETHINKING SOME THINGS. YOU MAY RECALL COUPLA YEARS BACK WE THE PEOPLE TOOK A LEAP A FAITH ON A KNOWN PUSSYGRABBER NAMED MCDONALD TRUMP. TWENTY SEVEN MONTHS LATER THINGS COULD NOT BE BETTER: PRESIDENT RICKLES, BY HIS OWN ADMISSION, IS ALONE IN THE WHITE HOUSE, THE PRESS IS HYSTERICAL, THE PEOPLE ARE PARAONOID, COMEDIANS ARE PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE, AND LATE NIGHT HOSTS ARE GIVING JOBS TO LAID OFF FEDERAL EMPLOYEES. TWO MINUTES.

[KIMMEL]

THAT AND THE 2020 ERECTION IS IN FULL FORCE. WHAT WE DON’T WANT ARE CLICHES. WE WANT A GREAT STORY!

[CASTRO 1]

FORMER SAN ANTONION MAYOR, JULIAN CASTRO.

[CASTRO 2]

HUMAN CLICHE GENERATOR.

[CASTRO 3]

IF THE AMERICAN DREAM IS NOT A SPRINT, MUST BE A MARATHON!

[CASTRO 4]

NOT A SPRINT. NOT A MARATHON. GOTTA BE A…

[CASTRO 5]

…I WAS THINKING SHITSHOW — BUT RELAY — YOU’RE “RUNNING” FOR PRESIDENT OF THESE HERE UNITED STATES · LAST TIME I CHECKED REASON THEY CALL IT “RUNNING” IS ‘CAUSE IT’S A RACE · AND OF ALL THE METAPHORS · YOU REJECT SPRINT. MARATHON IS OUT. VOTE FOR ME. RELAY MAN! I START THE RACE THEN HAND IT OFF TO SECOND BANANA.

POLITICAL OPEN MIC NIGHT! UNITED STATES SENATOR FROM NEW YORK, KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND!

[GILLIBRAND 1]

THAT OLD SAW: “FIRST THING ON THE FIRST DAY.” LATE SHOW’S A BIG PLATFORM. THREE MILLION PEOPLE PINS AND NEEDLES. AGAINST ALL ODDS YOU DEFEATED DONALD TRUMP. COMMITTED LISTENERS WILL RECALL THE EIGHTEEN/NINETEENTH’S RULE IS IN PLACE — PRESIDENT DEFEATED EIGHTEEN PROFESSIONAL POLITICIANS — KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND A PROFESSIONAL POLITICIAN — BIG ANNOUNCEMENT — BIG SHOW — BREAKING NEWS — JANUARY 2021 — FIRST DAY — FIRST THING — TELL US KIRSTEN: “WHAT WILL YOU DO?”

[GILLIBRAND 2]

BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER TO GET THINGS DONE. TRY AGAIN.

[GILLIBRAND 3]

[ANNOUNCEMENT] NO LONGER WILL BE BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER TO GET THINGS DONE, WE WILL GET THINGS DONE BY BRINGING PEOPLE TOGETHER. JUJST PLEASE, IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS LITERATE AND THOUGHTFUL, WHETHER WE’RE BRINGING SAID PEOPLE TOGETHER TO GET THINGS DONE OR GETTING THINGS DONE BY BRINGING SAID PEOPLE TOGETHER, SURELY YOU’RE NOT PROPOSING THIS SHARING OF VALUES BE DONE AT A TABLE!!!

[GILLIBRAND 4]

OH FUCK ME!!!

[LIGHT COMBO]

“BEACON OF LIGHT IS REDUNDANT. ” BEACON IS A FUCKING LIGHT! “BEACON” TELLS THE STORY. HAD COLBERT’S JOB I’D DO A FULL TWIST WITH A HALF PIKE OFF THE ROOF OF THE ED SULLIVAN THEATRE!

[SHARED VALUES]

SAVE YOU THE TIME — SHE HAS NO ANSWER, BECAUSE “SHARED VALUES”, UNLIKE “AN ESTABLISHED PRINCIPLE” MEANS WHATEVER YOU THE VOTER SAY IT KEP ME OUT OF IT. TRYNA RUN A RELAY OVER HERE! TALK TO SAM JACKSON LAST NITE ON FALLON.

[JACKSON]

THERE’S A GUY KNOWS HOW TO HOLD AN AUDIENCE · QUOTABLE TO: WE AIN’T NO SUCKERS! CHEAP MOTHERFUCKER!”

THAT’S HOW YA’ DEFEAT PRESIDENT RICKLES!

[ACT OUT] “NOT A SPRINT. NOT A MARATHON. IT’S A RELAY AT A TABLE AND THERE’S A BEACON, NOT JUST ANY BEACON, BUT — A BEACON OF LIGHT!”

GOTTA RULE ABOUT STORYTELLING — NO MOUNTAINS. AMEND THAT RULE TO INCLUDE “LIGHT” · THOSE OF YOU HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME, WELCOME TO THE SHOW THAT IS FRIENDLY TO THE AUDIENCE AND ANTAGONISTIC TO ADVERTISERS — 100% LISTENER SUPPORTED — NUMBER ONE AUDIO ONLY POLITICAL COMEDY SHOW ON PLANET EARTH — MY NAME IS MARK WHITNEY — I AM YOUR HOST — TO SUPPORT THE SHOW GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM — BOUT TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED — MINIMU OF SHOWS THIS YEAR — I PERSONALLY AUDIT EVERY EPISODE OF EVERY LATE NIGHT SHOW AND REPORT BACK TO YOU TWO, THREE OR FOUR TIMES A WEEK DEPENDING ON THE NEWS CYCLE, NUMBER OF LATE NIGHT SHOWS WORKING — WEKKLY SHOWS ARE JUST NOW STARTING TO RETURN FROM THE HOLIDAYS AND IT’S JANUARY 19TH — ALSO SOMETIMES I NEED SLEEP — THE VALUE PROPOSITION, AS COMMITTED LISTENERS WELL KNOW — IT’S NOT JUST WHAT YOU HEAR — IT’S WHAT YOU DON’T HEAR!

[WILLIAMS]

ACTRESS ALISON WILLIAMS ON HER BLIND DATE WITH JUSTICE ELENA KAGEN, OR AS THEY CALL IT: “DIAREA NIGHT.”

OH — COME ON — YOU’LL BE FINE!

SETH AND ALISON ARE TALKING ABOUT THEIR DOGS, AND ACCORDINGLY, UNLIKE ANNE HATHAWAY DOING HER MACANAHAY IMPRESSION FOR KIMMEL, THEY DO NOT MAKE THE CUT!

[TRANSITION]

THAT’S A STORYTELLER! HE MAKES THIS MOVE TO SOUTH CAROLINA, COULD END UP IN DEBT, UNEMPLOYED AND FOR ALL WE KNOW DIVORCED PAYING ALIMONY, CHILD SUPPORT, WITH SUPERVISED VISITS EVERY OTHER WEEKEND. YOU KNOW YOU WANNA HEAR MORE!

[DABO 2]

DABO SWINNEY. HEAD COACH NATIONAL CHAMPION CLEMSON TIGERS. JANUARY IS FOOTBALL MONTH IN THE UNITED STATES. WILDCARD WEEKEND. AFC NFC CHAMPSIONSHIP WEEKEND. SUPER SUNDAY. DE FACTO NATIONAL HOLIDAYS. AMERICAN HUMORIST ERMA BOMBECK WRITES: “ANY MAN WATCHES THREE FOOTBALL GAMES IN A ROW SHOULD BE DECLARED DEAD.”

VIOLENT SPORT. HALL OF FAMER JACK TATUM SAID: “I LIKE TO BELIEVE THAT MY BEST HITS BORDER ON FELONIOUS ASSAULT.”

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FOOTBALL — SAME CAN BE SAID FOR RUGBY — BASBETBALL YOU CAN SCORE FROM ANYWHERE ON THE COURT — LIKE MOST SPORTS YOU SCORE BY PUTTING THE BALL, THE PUCK, THE SHUTTLECOCK SOMEWHERE — ALMOST ALWAYS A NET INVOLVED — THIS IS KEY: YOU’RE BODY STAYS PUT — FOOTBALL — THE FOOTBALL ONLY LEAVES THE BODY WHEN IT’S IN THE AIR — BALL STAYS WITH THE BODY — BANG, SMASH — . BO JACKSON SAID: “IF MY MOTHER PUT ON A HELMET AND SHOULDER PADS AND A UNIFORM THAT WASN’T THE SAME AS THE ONE I WAS WEARING, I’D RUN OVER HER IF SHE WAS IN THE MY WAY. AND I LOVE MY MOTHER.”

FOOTBALL FIELDS HAVE BORDERS ENFORCED BY REFEREES. NATIONS HAVE BORDERS ENFORCED BY GOVERNMENTS.

[TRUMP CLEMSON PACKAGE]

WHEN I HEARD THE PRESIDENT SERVED THE CLEMSON TIGERS COLD BERDERS AND LUKE WARM COVFEFE, MY HEAD IMMEDIATELY WENT TO MICHELLE OBAMA. THREE MINUTES.

[GARDEN]

COMES TO KIDS — COACH DABO SWINNEY AND WHITE HOUSE CHEF SAM KASS — MESSAGE IS THE SAME!

SOME OF THE MICHELLE CLIPS WERE SOURCED FROM AN OCTOBER FIFTH 2016 SPEECH SHE GAVE DURING THE WHITE HOUSE KITCHEN GARDEN DEDICATION CEREMONY. OCTOBER FIFTH 2016. FULL MONTH BEFORE TRUMP WAS ELECTED AND THREE DAYS BEFORE THE LEAK THAT ROCKED THE UNIVERSE.

[PUSSYGATE]

SETH MEYERS TACITLY PREDICTING TRUMP WOULD WIN ONLY MISSISSIPPI. ONE WOULD THINK LATE NIGHT WOULD PROCEED WITH CAUTION. BUT ONE WOULD BE WRONG! STEPHEN COLBERT JUST LAST WEEK.

RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT, NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, IS LIKE CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN — OR — SEEKING THE LIGHT — YA’ KNOW ON A STORMY DAY — DAMMIT — WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY IS LOTTA DISTRACTIONS!!!

[WALMART]

SO THERE’S THAT — AND — LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY!

DABU SWINNEY’S LIKE MCDONALD TRUMP: “NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.”

BUT THAT’S WHY YA’ PLAY THE GAME. SO LET’S TRY THIS AGAIN.

[RE-ASKS]

I WILL PLANT SEEDS. LOTS OF SEEDS. THIS AUDIENCE REMEMBERS MICHELLE OBAMA, RIGHT? BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE. SHE OWNS THE ROOM NOW. MICHELLE PLANTED SEEDS. LITERALLY. IN FACT I REMEMBER ATTENDING DEDICATION CEREMONY OF THE WHITE HOUSE KITCHEN GARDEN, WHERE SHE EXPRESSED THE HOPE THAT FUTURE ADMINISTRATIONS WOULD CONTINUE THE TRADITION SHE ESTABLISHED OF SENDING FOREIGN DIGNATARIES HOME WITH JARS OF HONEY MADE BY THE WHITE HOUSE WORKER BEES. TODAY THERE ARE NO WHITE HOUSE WORKER BEES BECAUSE, AS WE SIT HERE TONIGHT STEPHEN, OUR FAST FOOD PRESIDENT LIES ALONE IN THE WHITE HOUSE. BY HIS OWN ADMISSION. HE LIES ALONE. OF COURSE, LYING IS NOTHING NEW [BEAT] FOR THIS PRESIDENT. LYING SEEMS TO COME NATURALLY AND THIS GOES DIRECTLY TO THE REASON I’M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT. THIS PRESIDENT DOESN’T JUST SERVE BURGER KING TO WORLD CLASS ATHLETES, HE SERVES UP WHOPPERS TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ON A DAILY BASIS! IT’S NOT THE WHITE HOUSE! IT’S THE HOME OF THE WHOPPER!!!

IN THE AGE OF TRUMP, IF YOU CAN’T CONNECT THE DOTS LIKE THAT, DON’T WASTE OUR TIME!

[DUCK]

MAYBE SHE’S GOT A SHOT!

[JACKSON]

TO REACH OUT MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM!

TO BE MY SIDEKICK GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM AND KICK IN AND I PROMISE TO KEEP BANGING MY DRUM FOR YEARS TO COME!

SEE YA TWO OR THREE DAYS WITH AN ALL NEW EPISODE OF LATE NITE LAST WEEK WHERE WE WILL ONCE AGAIN HAND OUT THE SOON TO BE COVETED SIS BOOM BAA AWARD FOR JOKE OF THE WEEK!

[FUN OR WHAT]

LATE NITE LAST NITE AND LATE NITE LAST WEEK ARE PRODUCTIONS OF SIS BOOM BAA LLC.