20190130 Script

 

NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is the draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management


 

THANK YOU, SHADOE!

FORMER STARBUCKS FOUNDER, CEO, AND CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD, HOWARD SCHULTZ IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT IN 2020.

[MORNING JOE CHATTER]

THAT’S RIGHT HOWARD SCHULTZ IS RUNNING AS AN INDEPENDENT. SAID SHULTZ: “I AM NOT A REPUBLICAN. NOT A DEMOCRAT. I’M HALF-N-HALF.”

[RIMSHOT]

DEMOCRATS ALREADY CONCEDE THE ONE PERCENT, BUT PLAN TO CARRY TWO PERCENT AND SKIM.

[RIMSHOT]

WHY A SECOND CAREER AT SIXTY FIVE? SCHULTZ IS LIKE: “HEY! BETTER LATTE THAN NEVER!”

[RIMSHOT]

SCHULTZ ALREADY OPENED FOUR CAMPAIGN OFFICES. THAT’S JUST ONE INTERSECTION!

[RIMSHOT]

IN WHAT ANALYISTS ARE CALLING “A DIVERSITY PLAY” THE SOCIALLY CONSCIOUS OLIGARCH ALREADY ANNOUNCED HIS VICE PRESIDENTIAL RUNNING MATE, NEW MEXICO SENATOR CARAMEL MACHIATTO…

[CARMEL MACHIATTO]

…WHO IS PROVING TO BE WHAT POLITICAL EXPERTS CALL “A HANDFUL!”

[CARDI B]

PREVIOUS SHOW LUIS GREEN WENT HOME WITH FIVE DOLLARS! NOT DAVE JOHNSON! TRACY MORGAN CELEBRATING WITH KIMMEL, TOO!

[DAVE/TRACY/MAXWELL HOUSE JINGLE]

IF HOWARD SCHULTZ WERE A MOVIE, IT WOULD BE “SWING VOTE” MEETS “THE FOUNDER.” SEE MICHAEL KEATON AS MCDONALD’S FOUNDER ROY KROC.

[FOUNDER 1]

KROC SOLD SHAKE MACHINES. SCHULTZ SOLD COFFEE MACHINES.

[FOUNDER 2]

SCHULTZ GOES TO SEATTLE TO SEE WHY THIS PLACE CALLED STARBUCKS IS BUYING SO MANY COFFEE MACHINES — 77,000 STORES, 350,000 EMPLOYEES, UNITED STATES HAS ABOUT 500 BILLIONAIRES — AVERAGE IS WORTH LITTLE LESS THAN $5 BILLION — at $3 BILLION SCHULTZ IS LIKE A LOWER MIDDLE CLASS BILLIONAIRE — SCHULTZ THIS MORNING ON — I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP — MORNING JOE.

[WARREN]

SKEPTICISM IS UNDERSTANDABLE — A BILLIONAIRE…

[COLBERT]

…NOT LOYAL TO ANY PARTY…

[PARTY]

…WANTS YOU TO WIN!

[WINNING!]

WHAT COULD GO WRONG!

FOR ONE THING — CONTRARY TO STORMY DANIELS MEMOIR — DEMOCRATS SAY TRUMP WILL PERFORM BETTER IN A THREEWAY!
[HURTS DEMOCRATS]

143 MILLION AMERICANS POOR OR LOW WEALTH, HAD DAVE JOHNSON NOT WON THE LOTTERY, HOW WOULD HE FARE UNDER A SCHULTZ ADMINISTRATION?

[TWO REAL GUYS 1]

TRUMP’S FROM THE SUITE. HOWARD’S FROM THE STREET.

[TWO REAL GUYS 2]

A GREAT GUY. PRESENTS LIKE KEVIN COSTNER.

[TWO REAL GUYS 3]

HOWARD’S FATHER HIT HJIM. IF THINKING I’M GETTIN’ READY TO DO THE SAME, THAT’S NOT WHY I CALLED!

[TRACY ON DAVE]

GET A WINDFALL, TRACY MORGAN JOKES MOST IMPORTANT THING IS TO SAY “NO.” HOWARD SCHULTZ, MEANWHILE, LIKE ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ, WHO WE PROFILED IN THE PREVIOUS SHOW, SCHULTZ IS SAYING YES TO TALKING ABOUT POVERTY.

OCASIO-CORTEZ HAS BEEN A MEMBER OF CONGRESS FOR WHAT LIKE THREE WEEKS AND THE REPUBLICAN WING OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY — IS ALEADY LOOKING FOR PEOPLE TO RUN AGAINST HER.

AT A MACRO LEVEL — SCHULTZ AND OCASIO-CORTEZ ARE ON THE SAME PAGE — THE PEOPLE ARE UNREPRESENTED IN WASHINGTON — OCASIO-CORTEZ — WHETHER YOU AGREE WITH HER OR NOT — STANDS OUT BECAUSE EVERYTIME SHE ACTUALLY REPRESENTS HER CONSTITUENTS — SHE ADVERTISES THE LACK OF REPRESENTATION THE REST OF US — ALL OF US — LACK IN THE FEDERAL LEGISLATURE.

[SCHULTZ ON THE POOR]

TRACY MORGAN MEANWHILE…

[TRACY ON AQUARIUM]

IN A WORLD WITH ALL THESE DAVE JOHNSONS RUNNING AROUND WHO DIDN’T WIN THE LOTTERY, CONGRESSWOMAN OCASIO-CORTEZ, WHOSE BACKGROUND IS SIMILAR TO SCHULTZ, SAYS BILLIONAIRES ARE IMMORAL. WE DON’T NEED ‘EM. SCHULTZ INDIRECTLY RESPONDS.

[SCHULTZ INDIRECTLY RESPONDS]

IN A DEBATE, IF YOUR ASSIGNMENT WAS TO MAKE YOUR STRONGEST MORAL ARGUMENT FOR THE EXISTENCE OF BILLIONAIRES, HOWARD SCHULTZ WOULD MAKE A PLAUSIBLE EXHIBIT A. THINK ABOUT IT — SEVENTY SEVEN THOUSAND STORES — PUBLICLY TRADED — MIDDLE CLASS DONE WELL BY STARBUCKS STOCK — AT $3.5B NET WORTH — OF ABOUT $40,000 FOR EVERY STORE HE OPENED.

TWENTY SHORT MINUTES — HOWARD SCHULTZ HAS THE RECENTLY SKEPTICAL FORMER CONGRESSMAN AND NEWT GINGRICH ACCOLYTE JOE SCARBOROUGH AND HIS WIFE MIKA BREZINSKI, VIOLENTLY AGREEING THAT THE GOVERNMENT RUN BY DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS — SAME GOVERNMENT JAILS KIDS FOR POT, PUTS BABIES IN CAGES, AS WALL STREET BANKERS ARE FREE TO ROAM ABOUT THE COUNTRY — THAT GOVERNMENT — SAME GOVERNMENT THAT CREATED A MARKET FOR OCASIO CORTEZ AND THE JUSTICE DEMOCRATS — THAT GOVERNMENT — FLAT OUT NOT WORKING AND NEEDS TO BE BROUGHT TO HEAL! FOUR MINUTES.

[VIOLENT AGREEMENT]

2020 PRIMARY SEASON MAY WELL BE A DE-FACTO FIVE WAY RACE: BETWEEN BERNIE SANDERS AND HIS OCASIO-CORTEZ FUELED JUSTICE DEMOCRATS, THE REPUBLICAN WING OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY REPRESENTED BY CLICHE MACHINES COREY BOOKER, KAMALA HARRIS AND JOE BIDEN, THE NAZI WING OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY REPRESENTED BY TRUMP, THE REPUBLICAN WING OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY (IF TRUMP IS PRIMARIED · THINK MITT ROMNEY) AND HOWARD SCHULTZ THE INDEPENDENT BILLIONAIRE.

[MAFIA 1]

THAT QUESTION WAS TOO LONG.

[MAFIA 2]

STATED DIFFERENTLY: “HOW DO YOU GET EVERY INDIVIDUAL MEMBER OF CONGRESS TO AFFIRMATIVELY AND INDEPENDENTLY REPRESENT THEIR CONSTITUENTS AS ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ IS DOING, INSTEAD OF VOTING FOR THE PARTY 100% OF THE TIME.”

[MAFIA 3]

CONTRARY TO THE OFFICIAL NARRATIVE, WHAT WE ARE WITNESSING IS A HISTORIC RENAISSANCE OF DEMOCRACY, THE RENEWS FOCUS ON THE RROLE OF THE LEGISLATURE, AND NOT JUST THE PRESIDENTIAL TALENT SHOW. WHATEVER ELSE CAN BE SAID ABOUT DONALD TRUMP, HISTORY WILL REMEMBER THIS ASSHOLE FOR WAKING THE PEOPLE THE FUCK UP AND TRIGGERING THE RAPIDLY GROWING NARRATIVE AROUND ECONOMIC MORALITY.

THOSE OF YOU HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME AND THOSE OF YOU WHO’VE BEEN EAVESDROPPING FOR AWHILE, IF YOU READ THE HEADLINES ON HOWARD SCHULTZ ALL YOU KNOW IS THAT MORNING JOE’S WIFE MIKA ASKED SCHULTZ WHAT CHEERIOS COST AND HOWARD DIDN’T KNOW BECAUSE HE DOESN’T EAT CHEERIOS.

[LOVEFEST]

FROM SKEPTICS TO LOVEFEST IN TWENTY MINUTES. IN A THREEWAY RACE AGAINST SANDERS WAY OVER HERE AND TRUMP WAY OVER THERE, HOWARD SCHULTZ COULD ACTUALLY WIN. WHETHER THIS COFFEE SALESMAN CAN WITHSTAND BEING ROASTED REMAINS TO BE SEEN.

WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW IS THAT NONE OF THE FOUR PANELISTS ON MORNING JOE, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE GUEST, KNEW THAT THE BUDGET FOR THE VETERANS ADMINISTRATION IS $200 BILLION. MY POINT BEING WHAT YOU JUST HEARD IS CONFLICT-FREE POLITICAL ANALYSIS. NOT TRYING TO WIN AN ELECTION. NOT TRYING TO PLEASE ADVERTISERS. NOT GUIDED BY ALGORITHMS OR MOUSECLICKS. IF THAT MAKES SENSE TO YOU IN A WORLD WHERE INDEPENDENT POLITICAL SATIRE IS BEING DEMONITIZED, I’VE GOT MORE THAN A 100 ADDITIONAL SHOWS SCHEDULED THIS YEAR AND YOU CAN TAKE A BIT OF OWNERSHIP IN THAT FOR ABOUT 20 CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED AT LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM. SUPER SIMPLE. YOU DO NOT NEED AN ACCOUNT. AND WE WILL NOT SPAM YOU OR SELL YOUR INFORMATION. SO TO BE MY SIDEKICK LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM AND KICK IN!

[CLOSING PACKAGE]

TO REACH OUT MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM. TO BE MY SIDEKICK GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM AND KICK IN TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED! ON BEHALF OF HOUSE ANNOUNCER SHADOE STEVENS AND HOUSE BAND “DEAD MAN FALL”, KEEP BANGING! LATTE NIGHT LAST NITE AND LATTE NIGHT LAST WEEK ARE PRODUCTIONS OF SIS BOOM BAA LLC.