20190202-Script

NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is the draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management


THANK YOU, SHADOE!

LEMME TELL YA’ BOUT THE COLEST PLACE OF ALL…

[COLD 1]

…NOT MISSOURI…

[COLD 2]

…NOT MARS…

[COLD 3]

GOOD JOKE RIGHT THERE!

NOT MISSOURI, NOT MARS, NOT IOWA, NOT THE MIDWEST — COLDEST PLACE OF ALL — ED SULLIVAN THEATRE — STEPHEN COLBERT’S INTERVIEW OF FORMER NJ GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE BEGINS WITH THIS QUESTION…

[COLBERT 1]

CHRISTIE’S RECEPTION IS SO CHILLY IN THE FINAL MIX THEY JACK THE AUDIO TRACK TO MASK THE FACT NOBODY IS CLAPPING! CHRISTIE’S KEPT A FAIRLY LOW PROFILE SINCE CONCLUDING HIS GOVERNORSHIP, JANUARY 16 OF LAST YEAR, AS LATE NIGHT BID HIM A FONDUE!

[COLBERT 2]

COLBERT WON’T EVEN DRINK WITH HIM! AS FOR THE INTERVIEW? UNREMARKABLE. SO WHY — IN AN EPISODE OF LATE NITE LAST NITE FEATURING GUESTS OF THE NIGHT PETE HOLMES AND THE BILLS CRYSTAL AND HADER — WHY IS CHRIS CHRISTIE IN THE SPOTLIGHT?

[WELCOME BACK]

AS ORDINARY AS THE COLBERT INTERVIEW OF THE FORMER GOVERNOR TURNED FAILED PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE TURNED FAILED VICE PRESIDENTIAL, TURNED OBSEQUIES TRUMP SHILL, TURNED, PRESIDENT-ELECT ADVISOR, TURNED SUCCESSFUL OFF THE BOOKS PRESIDENTIAL CONFIDENT AND TOURING AUTHOR — CHRISTIE’S BEEN EVERYWHERE HUMPING HIS POLITICAL MEMOIR “LET ME FINISH” — ORIGINAL TITLE WAS “YA’ GONNA EAT THAT” — WHAT SHOULD THE TITLE BE — YOU’RE CHRIS CHRISTIE — AND YOU ARE SO JERSEY — SOME OF YOU ARE SAYING: “GO FUCK YOURSELF” — HAS TO BE BOOKSTORE FRIENDLY — THE CORRECT TITLE IS: “SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP” — SELL A MILLION OF ‘EM — BUT THAT’S NOT WHY I CALLED — WHERE WAS I — OH YEAH — FUNNY THING HAPPENS — AS ORDINARY AS COLBERT’S CHRISTIE INTERVIEW IS…

[NOAH 1]

…TREVOR NOAH’S INTERVIEW ON THE DAILY SHOW IS OUTSTANDING…

[NOAH 2]

…DIFFERENCE BEING TREVOR READ THE BOOK.

I’M LIKE COLBERT’S AUDIENCE · THIS BLOWHARD · NOT GOING TO BUILD A SHOW AROUND · CYNICAL MACHINE POL WITH ULTERIOR MOTIVES GETS SUCKED INTO TRUMP’S POLAR VORTEX · THAT’S WHEN IT HIT ME · SOMETHING MUCH MORE INNOCENT; MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL ACTUALLY · FOR CENTURIES HUMAN’S HAVE ASKED: “WHY? WHY DO WE FALL I LOVE? WHY?” · TODAY’S SHOW SOLVES THAT MYSTERY · THE MYSTERY OF LOVE!

[MUSIC-UP]

CHRISTIE’S EXPERIENCE AS A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE IN 2016 FORESHADOWS WHAT I BELIEVE WE’RE GOING TO SEE THIS YEAR WITH SANDERS · LOOK FOR SANDERS TO ANNOUNCE IN FRONT OF A CROWD OF FIFTY THOUSAND PEOPLE · THEREBY IMPOSING THE SAME DILEMMA FACED BY MONIED REPUBLICAN INSIDERS WHEN THE POPULIST OUTSIDER SECURES AN EARLY LEAD · INTRAPARTY CANNIBALISM ENSUES ·

HERE’S MY IMPERSONATION OF THE 2020 REPUBLICAN COMMENT SECTION: “THIS IS BETTER THAN SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS! DEMS HAVE SPARTACUS, POCAHANTAS, OR IS IT LYAWATHA, UNCLE JOE OR AS WE LIKE TO CALL HIM R2METOO, KAMALA CAN’T EVEN SLEEP HER WAY TO THE TOP, GOTTA’ BARTENDER PRETENDS TO BE FROM THE PROJECTS, AN OLD COMMIE FROM THE SIXTIES — HATE TRUMP AND FREE EVERYTHING · 304,000 NEW JOBS THIS MONTH · SUCK ON THAT BOLSHEVIKS!

IN THE 2016 RACE, REPUBLICANS WERE SAYING SHIT LIKE THAT TO EACH OTHER!

ANYWAY — FOUR MINUTES!

FOUR MINUTES

[P1]

FIRST-EVER DOCUMENTED TRUMP APOLOGY! HISTORY OF SORTS!

OUR LOVE STORY CONTINUES AFTER THIS FROM UNKNOWN COMIC ADAM NEWMAN LAST NITE WITH CORDEN!

[NEWMAN]

AFTER SOUTH CAROLINA CHRISTIE DROPS OUT, BEGINNING HIS JOURNEY AS A TRUMP SUPPORTER AND CONAN’S BACK IN A 30 MINUTE QUASI LATE NIGHT FORMAT · EFINITELY SORTING SOME THINGS OUT WHICH WE WILL TALK ABOUT AGAIN SOON — BUT FOR NOW, IT’S THE EMMY AWARD WINNING, BILL HADER!

[P2/HADER]

CHRISTIE STANDS WITH TRUMP ON SUPER TUESDAY AND BECOMES HIS DEBATE COACH.

[P3]

OUR LOVE STORY CONTINUES AFTER THIS FROM UNKNOWN COMIC CORY RODQIGUEZ LAST NITE WITH FALLON!

[CORY]

AS DEBATE COACH, CHRISTIE’S TACIT AUDITION FOR VICE PRESIDENT LOOKS LIKE IT MIGHT PAY OFF AND HE REVEALS WHO THE REAL SECOND BANANA IS. SPOILER ALERT — IT’S NOT MIKE PENCE.

[P4]

WE ARE TEN MINUTES AWAY FROM SOLVING THE MYSTERY OF LOVE · BUT FIRST · NOW IN MY FOURTH YEAR OF AUDITING EVERY EPISODE OF EVERY LATE NIGHT SHOW, IF I’VE HEARD IT ASKED ONCE, I’VE HEARD IT ASKED A MILLION TIMES: “TELL ME ACTOR A, WHAT IS IT LIKE WORKING WITH ACTOR B?” BUT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME ACTOR A IS BILLY CRYSTAL AND ACTOR B IS ROBERT DENIRO. THREE MINUTES.

[CRYSTAL]

NOW THEY’RE BONDING!

[P5]

PEOPLE COULD NOT BELIEVE CHRISTIE WOULD USE THE FORUM OF THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION TO STOOP THAT LOW. THAT’S WHEN PEOPLE SAID: “IT’S DONALD TRUMP’S PARTY NOW.”

[P6]

LISTENED TO THAT ASK MYSELF — WHAT MUST IT BE LIKE — TO BE THAT — GOLF CART — TWO TUBS OF SHIT — AN HOUR —

UNKNOWN COMIC PAIGE WALDEN HAD A GOOD OUTING ON THE LATE LATE SHOW

[PAIGE/P7]

THAT’S IT! · RIGHT THERE! · MYSTERY OF LOVE SOLVED · IT’S BEEN THE MEAT LOAF ALL ALONG!!!

FROM HBO’S CRASHED, PETE HOLMES SITS DOWN WITH CONAN!

[MUSICUP/CC1]

LEARNED NOTHING. DIDN’T COMMIT IN 2012. HERE WE ARE 2019 · SEVEN YEARS LATER · “SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP”

[SPANKED]

IF IT’S GOING TO BE “LET ME FINISH” · HOW BOUT “LET ME FINISH THAT” · “MEAT LOAF” IN PARENTHESIS!

CONGRATULATIONS TO TREVOR NOAH FOR WHAT WILL PROBABLY BE ONE OF THE BEST INTERVIEWS OF THE YEAR.

[HADER]

THOSE OF YOU HEARD FOR THE FIRST TIME, WHAT YOU JUST HEARD IS CONFLICT-FREE POLITICAL ANALYSIS. NOT TRYING TO WIN AN ELECTION. NOT TRYING TO PLEASE ADVERTISERS. NOT GUIDED BY ALGORITHMS OR MOUSECLICKS. IF THAT MAKES SENSE TO YOU IN A WORLD WHERE INDEPENDENT POLITICAL SATIRE IS BEING DEMONITIZED, I’VE GOT MORE THAN A 100 ADDITIONAL SHOWS SCHEDULED THIS YEAR AND YOU CAN TAKE A BIT OF OWNERSHIP IN THAT FOR ABOUT 20 CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED AT LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM. SUPER SIMPLE. YOU DO NOT NEED AN ACCOUNT. AND WE WILL NOT SPAM YOU OR SELL YOUR INFORMATION. SO TO BE MY SIDEKICK LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM AND KICK IN!

AND WITH THAT — IT IS NOW TIME ONCE AGAIN TO SAY GOODBYE!

[PAIGE]

I HAVE MANY ISSUES · SELF-ESTEEM HAS NEVER BEEN ONE OF THEM!

TO REACH OUT MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM. TO BE MY SIDEKICK GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM AND KICK IN TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED! ON BEHALF OF HOUSE ANNOUNCER SHADOE STEVENS AND HOUSE BAND “DEAD MAN FALL”, KEEP BANGING! LATTE NIGHT LAST NITE AND LATTE NIGHT LAST WEEK ARE PRODUCTIONS OF SIS BOOM BAA LLC.

[GLOBAL WAMING]