20190206-Script

NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is the draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management

THANK YOU, SHADOE!

CONAN CHRISTOPHER O’BRIEN, EASY GUY ME TO RELATE TO: FELLOW FIFTY-SOMETHING. BORN IN NEW ENGLAND. FORMER ALTAR BOY TURNED RECOVERING IRISH CATHOLIC AND PODCASTER. MY UNDERSTANDING IS THAT LIKE ME, CONAN STILL READS THE BIBLE. FOR THE LAUGHS. TAKE 22 VERSE 39: “THOU SHALT LOVE THY NEIGHBOR AS THYSELF.” SO, I GOTTA JERK HIM OFF, TOO!

[RIMSHOT]

BIBLE STORY · ‘BOUT DNA! · BUT THAT’S NOT WHY I CALLED!

CONAN UNWITTINGLY SETS THE TABLE FOR TODAY’S EXAMINATION OF STATUS · JUST THREE OR FOUR MINUTESAWAY · BUT FIRST, IT IS MY DUTY, MY PLEASURE, MY SOLEMN OBLIGATION TO ONCE AGAIN RAISE THE CURTAIN ON MY UNWITTING CONTESTENTS ALL VYING FOR THE SOON BE COVETTED SIS BOOM BAA AWARD FOR JOKE OF THE WEEK, YOU KNOW THEM, YOU LOVE, THEM, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, DEMOCRATS AND CHRISTIANS, LET’S HEAR IT FOR AMERICA’S RETINUE OF LATE NIGHT RACONTEURS BEGINNING WITH SETH MEYERS WHO LAST WEEK SAT DOWN WITH JIMMY FALLON!

[AWARDS]

THANK YOU, SHADOE!

WOMEN ARE KILLING IT!

[ELLEN PAGE]

SAMANTHA BEE’S PUMPED. ELLEN PAGE HAS BEEN WELL. ROSIE’S KILLIN’ IT!

[ROSIE 1]

WORCESTOR! KNOW WORCESTOR WELL. SISTER’S FROM WORCESTOR. BROTHER IN LAW’S FROM WORCESTOR. CONAN’S FROM WORCESTOR. WHICH EXPLAINS THE CITIE’S NEW SLOGAN: “WORCESTOR! WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?!”

[RIMSHOT/ROSIE 2]

SAMANTHA BEE. ELLEN PAGE. ROSIE O’DONNELL. NOT JUST WHITE WOMEN. OSCAR NOMINEE BEST ACTRESS FOR “THE HELP” · REMEMBER “THE HELP” · AFRICAN AMERICANS WORKING IN WHITE HOUSEHOLDS IN EARLY SIXTIES.

[VIOLA 1]

HER OWN HELP NOW! THAT AND THE TASER AND PEPPER SPRAY.

TAKE A MINUTE HERE. TIME OUT. CHECK IN. BECAUSE AT THE OUTSET I TOLD YOU WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY TO CONSIDER A LITTLE COMETHING CALLED “STATUS.”

CONSIDER EACH OF OUR SOMEWHAT GUESTS IN ORDER · WHAT DO WE HAVE · CONAN O’BRIEN. SAMANTHA BEE. ELLEN PAGE. ROSIE O’DONNELL. VIOLA DAVIS. HIGH NET WORTH INDIVIDUALS LIVING THEIR BEST LIFE! · SO, LET’S TWIST IT AND BRING IN ONE OF OUR NATION’S GREAT STORYTELLERS · THE UBIQUITOUS MICHAEL RENDER BETTER KNOWN AS “KILLER MIKE “.

[KILLER MIKE 1]

KILLER’S KILLIN’ IT TOO! THE SOURCE FOR THAT CLIP? “TRIGGER WARNING” · MIKE’S DOCUSERIES WHERE IN EPISODE ONE HE SETS OUT TO SURVIVE FOR THREE DAYS WITHIN THE BLACK ECONOMY.

[KILLER MIKE 2]

MIKE’S EXCHANGE IS WITH A BLACK MUSLIM PACKAGE STORE OWNER IN ATHENS GEORGIA SELLS CARROTS FROM BLACK OWNED FARMS · CERTIFIED BLACK CARROTS · MY WORDS NOT THEIRS · MIKE’S THESIS DRAMATICALLY CHALLENGES THE OFFICIAL NARRATIVE THAT INTEGRATION WAS AN UNAMBIGUOUSLY GOOD THING · TELLS THE STORY OF A BLACK OWNERSHIP CLASS GUTTED BY THE WHITE MAN.

WHERE CONAN AND I PART COMPANY IS HE GOES ON TO HARVARD. MY FORMAL EDUCATION ENDS AT HIGH SCHOOL. SPECIFICALLY OTTER VALLEY UNION HIGH SCHOOL · IN RUTLAND COUNTY VERMONT · NINE HUNDRED STUDENTS GRADES SEVEN TO TWELVE SOURCED FROM FIVE ZIP CODES TO MAKE ONE SCHOOL. 899 WHITE. ONE BLACK GIRL. I CLEARLY REMEMBER SOME OF MY FELLOW STUDENTS OPENLY TALKING ABOUT HANGING HER.

SEAN HANNITY WOULD SAY: “ONE STUDENT. THAT’S ANECDOTAL.”

KILLER MIKE WOULD SAY: “SO IN OTHER WORDS, 100% OF THE BLACK STUDENTS AT YOUR LITTLE WHITE SCHOOL WERE THREATENED WITH HANDING.”

I SAY: “THAT WAS MY EXPERIENCE IN LATE SEVENTIES VERMONT. SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES. HEARD IT WITH MY OWN EARS. MORE RECENT EXAMPLE? 2019 BOSTON. I DON’T NEED A DNA TEST TO KNOW MY NEICE IS BARACK OBAMA BLACK. IF SHE WERE HERE SHE’D CORRECT ME AND SAY DOMINICAN. BUT YOU CAN’T SEE DOMINICAN AND ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF MY WHITE FRIENDS WOULD SAY SHE’S BLACK. MY NIECE’S DAUGHTER IS BLACK LIKE MICHELLE. SHE’S NINE. ALWAYS THE TOP STUDENT. UNUSALLY BRIGHT LIGHT THIS KID. THIS YEAR THEY SWITCH TO A PREDOMINENTLY WHITE CHARTER SCHOOL · HEART OF BOSTON · GOVERNMENT CENTER · FEW PEURTO RICANS. VERY FEW KIDS WHO PRESENT TO THE CAUCASIAN EYE AS AFRICAN AMERICAN.

BECAUSE OF HER SKIN COLOR, THIS HAS NOT BEEN A POSITIVE EXPERIENCE. GETS TEASED AND TORMENTED A LOT. SO NEXT YEAR SHE WILL RETURN TO THE CATHOLIC SCHOOL IN DORCHESTER, NEARLY ALL BLACK, WHERE SHE HAS GREAT FRIENDS, AND WILL CONTINUE TO KILL IT VIOLA DAVIS-STYLE.

THE WHITE KNUCKLE-DRAGGERS AT THE CHARTER SCHOOL WILL REMAIN JUST THAT.

MIDDLE CLASS · BOSTON · 2019 · NOBODY IN MY FAMILY WONDERS WHY TRUMP IS PRESIDENT · NOBODY 2019 ATHENS GEORGIA WONDERS EITHER · LEAST OF ALL KILLER MIKE, WHO CAN’T FIND A BLACK-OWNED ECONOMY · BLACK PEOPLE DON’T EVEN OWN THE SUBWAY FRANCHISE IN ATHENS · FULLY COMMITTED TO THE BIT, MIKE SPENDS THE NIGHT ON A PARK BENCH. NO CERTIFIED BLACK RENTAL CARS SO MIKE TRAVELS ON A CERTIFIED BLACK USED BICYCLE, UNTIL HE HAPPENS UPON A CERTIFIED BLACK CHURCH BUS WHICH HE CHARTERS · MIKE’S BIGGEST PROBLEM BY FAR? · BEEN YEARS SINCE HE’ S BEEN THIS SOBER · WHY? · NO BLACK WEED!!!

[KILLER MIKE 3]

WAR ON DRUGS DISPROPORTIONATELY INCARCERATES BLACK DEALERS WHILE DISPROPORTIONATELY ENRICHING WHITE GROWERS!!! AND THAT’S WHEN KILLER MIKE’S ‘TRIGGER WARNINGS’ UNWITTINGLY MEETS BILL MAHER’S ‘REAL TIME’

[RT 1]

AND THAT THERE WAS THE VOICE OF NEW YORK MAYER BILL DE BLASIO.

[RT 2]

IT IS. AND I’LL TELL YOU HOW.

[RT 3]

DE BLASIO’S A POLITICIAN · SMART ENOUGH NOT TO UTTER THE WORD “REPARATIONS.” EVERYBODY WHO HAS SEEN MY SHOW FOOL FOR A CLIENT OR READ ANYTHING ABOUT THE WAR ON DRUGS KNOWS IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT QUOTE UNQUOTE “THE BLACKS” TOP QUOTE CHIEF OF STAFF H.R. HALDEMAN’S LETTER TO NIXON ON THE SUBJECT. BUT YOU CAN’T SAY THAT WHEN YOU WRITE THE LAW. THE LAW APPLIES TO ANY CITIZEN WHO SELLS THIS MUCH POT IS GUILTY OF A FELONY. WAR ON DRUGS — LAW ITSELF — IS BLIND TO RACE. APPLIES TO ALL CITIZENS. ENFORCEMENT IS ANYTHING BUT.

CONGRESS CAN PASS A LAW TOMORROW SAYS: “UNITED STATES FUCKED UP WHEN IT MADE POT ILLEGAL. ANYONE CONVICTED OF A POT FELONY IS ENTITLED TO A GOVERNMENT GUARANTEED LOAN. YOU WERE SUCCESSFUL ENOUGH SELLING POT THAT YOU CAUGHT A FEDERAL CASE. THE MORE SUCCESSFUL YOU WERE, THE MORE TIME YOU DID, THE BIGGER THE LOAN YOU’RE ENTITLED TO, SO YOU CAN CONVERT THAT 10,000 FOOT WAREHOUSE TO A CONTROLLED POT FARM. AND BY THE WAY, YOUR CONVICTION IS NULLIFIED AND YOUR CIVIL RIGHTS ARE FULLY RESTORED. SORRY ABOUT THAT. NO HARD FEELIGNS. LOVE AND KISSES. CONGRESS.”

LIKE THAT WAR ON DRUGS THIS LAW APPLIES TO ALL CITIZENS CONVICTED OF A MARIJUANA FELONY, WHICH IS FANCY WAY OF SAYING IS DISPROPORTIONATELY BENEFITS YOUNG BLACK MEN, IDENTICAL YOUNG BLACK MEN WHO WERE TACITLY TARGETTED BY THE WAR ON DRUGS.

WHICH BRINGS US BACK TO ELLEN PAGE WHO HAD A MOMENT LAST WEEK ON COLBERT.

[PAGE 1]

PENCE ABSOLUTELY “WISHES” THAT.

[PAGE 2]

PENCE TOTALLY “WANTED” TO DO THAT.

[PAGE 3]

PENCE DEFINITELY “BELIEVES” THAT.

[PAGE 4]

ELLEN PAGE LIFE AS A CHILD ACTOR WAS A SHITSHOW OF ABUSE. SHE WALKS THE WALK. HERE SHE IS AUGUST TWENTY FIRST TWO THOUSAND SEVENTEEN, BALLCAP AND SUNGLASSES, CONFRONTING TED CRUZ ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL.

[PAGE/CRUZ]

“WHAT ABOUT THE PERSECUTION OF NON-STRAIGHT PEOPLE TED?”

“CHRISTIANS PRACTICING THEIR FAITH.”

IF THEY COULD, VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE AND TEXAS SENATOR TED CRUZ WOULD AMEND THE CONSTITUTION, STRIKING THE FIRST AMENDMENT, THEREBY BRANDING THEIR FACISM AND SOPHISTRY AS THE OFFICIAL RELIGION OF THE UNITED STATES.

THIS IS WHAT THEY “WISH”, “WANT” AND BELIEVE” AS ELLEN CORRECTLY STATES.

BUT THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT ON THE RISE. THEY ARE ENJOYING THEIR LAST GASP. THEY DO NOT REPRESENT THE FUTURE.

AFRICAN AMERICAN HATE MONGER JESSE PETERSON.

[JESSE]

SOMEWHERE MIKE PENCE AND TED CRUZ ARE SAYING: “WE USED TO HAVE TO HANG THESE MOTHERFUCKERS. NOW THEY HANG THEMSELVES. WE TRULY ARE AN UNSTOPPABLE FORCE!”

[SARAH SANDERS]

THE FACISTS ARE HAVING A FINAL MOMENT. SIX MORE YEARS TOPS. ONE WAY TO MAKE IT TWO MORE YEARS INTEAD OF SIX IS TO STOP SUCKING AT POLITICS.

[OBAMA ON CITIZENSHIP]

THE OFFICE OF CITIZENSHIP DEMANDS SOMETHING GREATER AND BETTER THAN THE SAME UNCONSTITUTIONAL ZERO TOLERANCE PRACTICED BY MIKE PENCE, TED CRUZ AND THEIR SUPPORTERS LIKE, JESSE PETERSON. HATE SPEECH IS NOT A THING. IT’S PROTECTED. HATE CRIME IS NOT A THING. HATE IS THE MOTIVE. RAPE? ARSON? MURDER? ALWAYS BEEN FELONIES. ALWAYS WILL BE FELONIES. HATE IS A MOTIVE TO BE CONSIDERED AT SENTENCING. BUT HATE IS NOT THE CRIME.

AS A GUY WITH A 25 YEAR OLD FELONY CONVICTION, I AM SUBJECTED TO SYSTEMIC HATE. MY SON IS AUTISTIC. MY NEICE AND HER DAUGHTER ARE BLACK. HATE IS PART OF LIFE. HATE MAKES YOU STRONG. POLITICIANS MAKE YOU WEAK.

TAKE TED CRUZ, A FORMER EDITOR OF THE HARVARD LAW REVIEW, BUILDS A POLITICAL CAREER CYNICALLY PROMISING TO PROTECT HIS FOLLOWERS FROM HATE, DEMOCRATIC POLITICIANS DO THE SAME.

ALL BELIEFS ARE PROTECTED BY THE FIRST AMENDMENT.

AND WHEN YOU SAY: “FUCKING TEXAS” YOU’RE SAYING FUCK YOU TO 11 MILLION OF YOUR FELLOW CITIZENS WHO DO NOT SUPPORT, DID NOT VOTE FOR, AND RECEIVE ZERO REPRESENATION FROM TED CRUZ.

UNITED STATES 2019, MEDIAN NET WORTH OF AN AFRICAN AMERICAN FAMILY, IF YOU SUBTRACT THE CAR IS — GET THIS — YOU READY — MEDIAN NET WORTH AFRICAN AMERICAN FAMILY UNITED STATES 2019? SEVENTEENHUNDRED DOLLARS? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

KILLER MIKE’S STORY OF THE ECONOMIC TRUTHS OF DESEGREGATION, LIKE THE ELECTION OF DONALD TRUMP, IS A TACIT CALL FOR LESS HUBRIS AND MORE NAVAL GAZING. STARTS WITH NOT ENDING PEOPLE FOR EXPRESSING THEIR OPINION, NO MATTER HOW HATE FILLED. HUMAN BEINGS ARE NOT DISPOSABLE.

[VIOLA 2]

VIOLA DAVIS LAST WEEK ON KIMMEL CONFESSING TO SEXUAL ASSAULT.

[VIOLA 3]

WHAT SHE DESCRIBES, AS A MATTER OF LAW, IS WORSE THAN WHAT LOUIS C.K. CONFESSES TO, BECAUSE IT INVOLVES REPEATED UNWANTED PHYSICAL CONTACT. WHEN YOU’RE A STAR, THEY LETCHA’ DO IT!

HERE’S THE QUESTION: SHOULD THIS BE ANOTHER OCCASION FOR A BOYCOTT? OR IS THIS ONE MORE REMINDER THAT CITIZENS NEED TO STICK TOGETHER AND JUDICIOUSLY CHOOSE THEIR BATTLES?

[AWDS]

2020 AMERICA PICKS A NEW ROOMMATE AND THAT’S NOT HOW PEOPLE VOTE. YA’ KNOW SONNY FROM THE VIEW. ABC NEWS CHIEF LEGAL CORRESPONDENT. FORMER FEDERAL PROSECUTOR. HERE’S HER HOT TAKE ON PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE ELIZABETH WARREN.

[SONNY]

THAT’S HOW PEOPLE VOTE. IT IS A TALENT SHOW. SPECIFICALLY, A PUBLIC SPEAKING COMPETITION. THE WINNER GETS TO BE PRESIDENT!

[CONAN 2]

THE MORAL OF TODAY’S STORY IS THAT YOUR IDENTITY IS SUBORDINATE TO YOUR STATUS AS CITIZEN. CITIZEN IS THE STATUS THAT BINDS. WE ARE ALL CREATED EQUAL. THAT IS NOT ASPIRATIONAL. IT’S SCIENCE. WE KNOW BECAUSE BLACK, BROWN, WHITE, YELLOW, GAY, LESBIAN, BI, TRANS, STRAIGHT, ASEXUAL, CATHOLIC, JEWISH, MUSLIM, ATHIEST, AGNOSTIC, BUDDIST, HINDU, INBRED — ALL THE SAME DNA TEST — ONE TEST FITS ALL — EVEN FOR TED CRUZ!

THOSE OF YOU HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME, THIS SHOW IS 100% LISTENER SUPPORTED. NUMBER ONE AUDIO ONLY POLITICAL COMEDY SHOW ON THE PLANET!

GOT MROE THAN ANOTHER 100 EPISODES PLANNED THIS YEAR. IF YOU’D LIKE TO TAKE A BIT OF OWNERSHIP IN THE SHOW THAT IS FRIENDLY TO THE AUDIENCE BUT ANTAGONISTIC TO ADVERTISERS AND THEIR SPINLESS BRAND-SAFETY TEAMS, YOU CAN DO THAT FOR 20 CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED AT LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM. SUPER SIMPLE. YOU DO NOT NEED AN ACCOUNT. AND WE WILL NOT SPAM YOU OR SELL YOUR INFORMATION. SO TO BE MY SIDEKICK LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM AND KICK IN!

[CLOSING PACKAGE]

TO REACH OUT MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM. TO BE MY SIDEKICK GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM AND KICK IN TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED! ON BEHALF OF HOUSE ANNOUNCER SHADOE STEVENS AND HOUSE BAND “DEAD MAN FALL”, KEEP BANGING! LATTE NIGHT LAST NITE AND LATTE NIGHT LAST WEEK ARE PRODUCTIONS OF SIS BOOM BAA LLC.