20190213-Script

NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is the draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management

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THANK YOU, SHADOE AND “BLACKFACE HISTORY MONTH” WHERE EVEN THE GREAT LEBRON JAMES IS BROUGHT TO HIS KNEES!

[LEBRON]

FORCED TO APOLOGIZE FOR THAT EVEN THOUGH FORMER DALLAS COWBOYS GENERAL MANAGER TEX SCHRAMM ONCE SAID OF HIS NFL PLAYERS: “GET ONE THING STRAIGHT. WE ARE THE RANCHERS. YOU ARE THE CATTLE. WE CAN ALWAYS GET MORE CATTLE.”

[RIMSHOT]

“THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S BLACKFACE HISTORY MONTH, OR IF YOU PREFER: ‘PARTIAL BIRTH OF A NATION!
COMMITTED LISTENERS KNOW WHEN IT COME TO ABORTION MY RECORD IS CLEAR: ‘ABORTION SHOULD BE LEGAL ‘TIL THE FETUS IS EIGHTEEN.'”

[RIMSHOT]

I’LL GET EMAIL FOR THAT JOKE. AUTORESPONDER’S READY: “RETROSPECT I SEE HOW OFFENSIVE MY ACTIONS WERE. THIS BEEN A POWERFUL LEARNING MOMENT · NOT THE MAN I WAS TUESDAY · WHEN I WROTE THAT JOKE · THOSE WERE CRAZY TIMES · TUESDAY · BUT IT’S THURSDAY · THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW · 1984 BLACKFACE GETS YOU IMPEACHED · 2019 ORANGEFACE GETS YOU ELECTED, AND THE FETUS · OR AS THE PRESIDENT CALLS IS: “INNOCENT BEAUTIFUL BABY” · FETUS CANNOT BUY A BEER! WHICH IS WHY UPON REFLECTION I HAVE COME TO BELIEVE ABOTRION SHOULD BE LEGAL ‘TIL THE FETUS IS 21!

[RIMSHOT]

BE IN THE UNITED STATES PAST FEW DAYS · YOU’D THINK WE TOOK 1984 OFF FROM BEING RACIST!

CNN’S DON LEMON CALLS BULLSHIT!

[LEMON]

HOT SHOW · DO NOT TOUCH THAT APP · HOT SHOW · THIS ENTIRE STORY I’VE CRAFTED FOR YOU TODAY IS REVERSE-ENGINEERED AROUND A SINGLE JOKE THE GREAT STEVE HARVEY · ARGUABLY THE MOST UNDERATED STAND-UP COMIC OF ALL TIME · STEVE HARVEY · AS SUBVERSIVE A GUY AS YOU WILL MEET · WHICH IS WHAT MAKES HIM SUCH A GREAT COMIC · STEVE TELLS THIS JOKE AT AN AWARDS SHOW ON [INSERT DATE] I’M LIKE: “NOW WE GOTTA’ A SHOW!”

THOSE OF YOU HEAR FOR THE FIRST TIME, WELCOME TO 100% LISTENER SUPPORTED LATE NITE LAST WEEK, THE NUMBER ONE POLITICAL COMEDY SHOW ON THE PLANET! THIS SHOW THAT IS ANTAGONISTIC TO ADVERTISERS WHO PRETEND TO CARE AND FRIENDLY TO THE AUDIENCE, WHICH CARS DEEPLY. I NEVER HAVE TO ASK: “WHAT WOULD BLUE APRON THINK? WHAT WOULD AUDIBLE DO?” YOU APPRECIATE CONFLICT-FREE ANALYSIS AND COMMENT, AS YOUR HOST I AM ALWAYS IN THE MARKET FOR SIDEKICKS · MINIMUM 125 SHOWS STRONG THIS YEAR · FREQUENCY OFWHICH WILL INCREASE AS EVENTS WARRANT · YOU CAN BE MY SIDEKICK FOR TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED AT LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COMTO KICK IN THAT’S LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM! THIRTYISH MINUTES FROM NOW STEVE’S JOKE AND THE SYMBOLLIC IMPORT OF THAT JOKE WILL BE REVEALED · BEFORE WE RIP THE MASK OFF ALL THINGS ‘BLACKFACE · HERE’S THE QUESTION FOR YOU TO PONDER · I’LL ASK THE QUESTION, THEN ANSWER WITH A COUPLE OF QUICK EXAMPLES FROM MY OWN LIFE · WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU IMPOSED YOUR WILL ON OBTAINING A CERTAIN OUTCOME AND IT HAPPENED · OUTCOME REQUIRES A “PERMISSION SLIP” · YOU NEED BUY IN FROM AN INDIVIDUAL OR A GROUP OF INDIVIDUALS · THUMBS UP · THUMBS DOWN · YOU WILL NOT BE DENIED · DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO GET THAT PERMISSION SLIP, YOU GET THAT AND MORE!

TWO EXAMPLES FROM MY OWN LIFE · THOSE OF YOU HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME · COMMITTED LISTENERS KNOW I’VE TOLD MANY PERSONAL STORIES IN THIS SERIES ABOUT FALLING SHORT · WE ALL HAVE THOSE STORIES · 2004 SAN FRANCISCO COMEDY CONVENTION · ADVERTISED THROUGHOUT THE WEST COAST, ARIZONA, COLORADO. ABOUT HUNDRED COMICS. EDDIE BRILL WHO BOOKS THE LETTERMAN SHOW IS ONE OF THE JUDGE · FIVE TO SEVEN SETS. I HAVE NO PROFESSIONAL CREDENTIALS AS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN. FEEL LIKE I NEED A COUPLE OF CREDENTIALS BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO GET ACCEPTED INTO JURIED INDEPENDENT THEATRE FESTIVALS WITH AN EARLY VERSION OF ONE MAN SHOW “FOOL FOR A CLIENT.” THIS PERMISSION SLIP WILL LEAD TO THE ISSUANCE OF OTHER PERMISSION SLIPS.

TAKE MY 600 WORDS TO 100 WALK ON SETS WEEKNIGHTS AT CLUBS THROUGHOUT SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA. WHY? BECAUSE — I’M HUMBLE. LOTTA’ FUNNY PEOPLE IN CALIFORNIA. I RESPECT THE COMPETITION. WHICH IS WHY I CHANGE THOSE SIX HUNDRED WORDS SIX HUNDRED TIMES SO WHEN I TRAVEL 600 MILES FROM SAN DIEGO TO SAN FRANCISCO · I GET THERE I TELL PEOPLE I’M GOING TO WIN AND I DO. NO QUESTION IN MY MIND.

SPIN AHEAD TO 2010 I’VE BEEN TOURING VERSIONS OF MY SHOW “FOOL FOR A CLIENT: FOR FOUR OR FIVE YEARS. STILL NOT HAPPY WITH IT BECAUSE I DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT I’M DOING · BUT I’M DOING IT ANYWAY · TAKE 2009 AND FIRST HALF OF 2010 OFF · EXPAND THE SHOW FROM SIXTY TO NINETY MINUTES · JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO CHALLENGE MYSELF TO CREATE A SHOW SO GREAT THAT IT HOLDS AN AUDIENCE FOR NINETY MINUTES · TWELVE THOUSAND WORDS. REHEARSE TWO HOURS FOR EVERY MINUTE JUST TO LEARN THE WORDS. DOUBLE THAT TO BE ABLE TO PERFORM THE WORDS. AS A VETERAN OF THE INDEPENDENT THEATRE CIRCUIT, FESTIVAL PRODUCERS ARE GOING TO GIVE ME A GREAT VENUE AND GREAT TIME SLOTS BECAUSE THEY KNOW MY SHOWS SELL OUT. MORE SUCCESS YOU HAVE MORE PEOPLE EXPECT. WHICH — AGAIN — IS WHY THE SHOW YOU’RE LISTENING TO TOOK A COUPLA EXTRA DAYS OF IMAGINATION. TOUR STARTS IN D.C. FEW BLOCKS FROM THE WHITEHOUSE. 2010. SUBTEXT OF THE SHOW. THING THAT DRIVES THE TENSION. THING I SPENT SIXTY MINUTES BUILDING A LICENSE FOR SO I CAN UNLOAD DURING THE FINAL 30 MINUTES · PROPOSITION THAT WHEN IT COMES TO THE BILL OF RIGHTS · GEORGE BUSH AND BARACK OBAMA ARE BROTHERS FROM ANOTHER MOTHER · FIRST SHOW IN THE FIRST CITY IS THE BEST TIME SLOT I’M GOING TO HAVE DURING THIS TWO WEEK RUN · SATURDAY NIGHT AT 8:00 PM · HAVE TO HIT THE GROUND RUNNING · THREE CAMERAS ON ME · ALL HBO PRODUCTION VETERANS · “FOOL” FEELS READY FOR DVD · HAVEN’T BEEN ON STAGE TO TALK TO A LIVE AUDIENCE FOR LIKE EIGHTEEN MONTHS · MAGICAL · SINGLE BEST LIVE PERFORMANCE I’VE GIVEN TO THE BEST AUDIENCE I’VE EVER HAD. VIDEO OF THAT PERFORMANCE IS AVAILABLE ON THIS POST DATED FEBRUARY 13TH · ZERO TWO DOT ONE THREE · WASHINGTON POST · D.C. THEATRE SCENE WAS THERE · FIVE STARS · SOLD OUT THE RUN

WHAT SIMILAR STORY DO YOU TELL FROM YOUR LIFE · OPPORTUNITY PRESENTS ITSELF · YOU RECOGNIZE THE OPPORTUNITY IMMEDIATELY · COMMIT FULLY TO THE OUTCOME · REFUSE TO BE DENIED · ULTIMATUM IS WRITTEN ALL OVER YOUR FACE · RELATIONSHIP · JOB INTERVIEW · PROMOTION · LAUNCH A NEW BUSINESS · COULD BE ANYTHING · DANCE CONTEST · CRUSH A PRESENTATION · EVERYBODY WANTS IT · ONLY ONE PERSON CAN HAVE IT · ANYONE TRIES TO STOP YOU, THEY’RE GONNA’ GET HURT · WHILE YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT THAT, THINK ABOUT THIS!

[MUSIC/VIRGINIA]

RALPH FINGERS HIMSELF: “DEFINITELY ME!”

IT’S NOT: “I WOULD NEVER DO THAT” · AL JOLSON OR THE GRAND DRAGON · ONE IS DEFINITELY ME!

[RALPH 1]

RALPH’S A DEMOCRAT. BUT WHEN REPUBLICANS SAW THE KLAN OUTFIT [BEAT] TRY TO RECRUIT HIM!

[RIMSHOT/RALPH 2]

“BLACKFACE?! HE’S ONE OF US!”

[RIMSHOT/RALPH 3]

“HEY! IT’S JUST AN OLD PHOTO. BACK THEN THEY WERE ALL BLACK AND WHITE”

[RIMSHOT/RALPH 4]

ALL OF WHICH EXPLAINS THE PHOTO’S CAPTION: “MOST LIKELY TO BE CONCEDE!”

[RIMSHOT]

BUT JUST THEN…

[NOT ME 1]

…RALPH DOES AN ABOUT BLACKFACE!

[NOT ME 2]

“I AM NOT EITHER OF THE PEOPLE.” MY IMPERSONATION OF RALPH PICKING A GUY OUT OF LINEUP: “THAT’S HIM, SERGEANT. BUT, RALPH, WE GOT FIVE GUYS UP THERE. WHICH ONE? TRYING TO CHANGE MY MIND, I’M DONE HERE!” · YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT DID NOT MURDER THE VICTIM WITH A CHAINSAW. BUT LET ME TELL YA’ WHAT HAPPENS THAT ONE TIME, NOT GONNA’ BELIEVE THIS, CLIENT’S AT A LUMBERJACK ROUNDUP, RIGHT…

[EXPLAINS 1]

WHO BRINGS OTHER MISTAKES TO A PRESS CONFERENCE? “MY CLEAR MEMORY OF DOING THIS VERY THING OFF CAMERA!”

[EXPLAINS 2]

A RALPH PRESS CONFERENCE LIKE THE MOONWALK ITSELF: APPEARANCE OF PROGRESS, EVEN AS YOU GO BACKWARDS!

[RIMSHOT]

WHO WON?

[EXPLAINS 3]

BY ANY CHANCE ARE YOU STUPID ENOUGH TO MOONWALK RIGHT NOW?

[EXPLAINS 4]

PRESIDENT LAST NIGHT IN EL PASO · RAPLH’S JUST GETTING WARMED UP!

[SHOE POLISH 1]

ASKED NOBODY!

[SHOE POLISH 2]

LITTLE BIT OF SHOE POLISH. WHY A LITTLE BIT?

[SHOE POLISH 3]

NOT LIKE RALPH HAS ANY RACIST NICKNAMES!

[COONMAN]

BLACKFACE. GRAND DRAGON. MOONWALK. KIWI POLISH. THIRTY FIVE YEAR OLD YEARBOOK. SOMEBODY’S GOT IT IN FOR COONMAN! IS IT SOMETHING DR. RALPH — HAPPENS TO BE A GROINOCOLOGIST · WAS IT SOMETHING HE SAID?

[4TH TRIMESTER ABORTION]

“THE INFANT WOULD BE RESUSSITATED IF THAT’S WHAT THE MOTHER DESIRES” · RALPH, GOVERNOR OF A STATE THAT STARTS WITH “VIRGIN” INVENTS THE FOURTH TRIMESTER ABORTION · A MATHMATICAL AND MEDICAL MISNOMER · AND LAST NIGHT IN EL PASO?

[INFANTICIDE PACKAGE]

AS A PRECURSOR TO REVEALING THE PROMISED STEVE HARVEY JOKE, WE HAVE TWO DUALING POLITICAL STARS IN THE UNITED STATES · ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ LAST WEEK AND PRESIDENT RICKLES LAST NIGHT IN EL PASO · UNAPOLOGETIC EXTREME REPRESENTION OF THEIR BASE. THREE MINUTES.

[AOC/DJT]

BEFORE BETO O’ROURKE EVEN GETS IN, TRUMP TAKES HIM OUT. “YOUNG MAN WHO HAS VERY LITTLE GOING FOR HIM.” OCASIO-CORTEZ IS TOO YOUNG TO RUN. SO WHOSE GOT WHAT IT TAKES? WHO HAS THE EYEBALL THAT SEES THINGS DIFFERENTLY? WHO CAN BRING THE HEAT IN REAL TIME? TWO MINUTES.

[HARVEY/DEMS]

“YOU HAVE TO HAVE IT.” THESE DEMOCRATS ARE BUNCHED LIKE BANANAS. YOU’RE IN THE GROCERY STORE. THESE BANANAS. WHAT I DO? MAYBE YOU DO THIS TOO. START FEELING THE BANANAS. PICK BANANAS UP. STAND TOGETHER BANANA. READY TO FIGHT BANANA. NOTHING WE CAN’T DO BANANA. BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER. EVENTUALLY YOU SAY: “FUCK IT. BANANAS ARE THE SAME.”

MINNESOTA SENATOR AMY KLOBUCHAR, ANNOUNCES YESTERDAY.

[AMY]

ORANGEFACE BEATS GET THINGS DONE BANANA EVERY TIME.

WHAT COULD THESE BANANAS LEARN FROM A STEVE HARVEY PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN? WE HAVE SOMETHING IN THE STAND-UP WORLD CALLED “THE CORPORATE GIG” AND I’VE HOSTED HUNDREDS OF THEM. PRESIDENT UNITED STATES BIGGEST PUBLIC CORPORATE GIG ON THE PLANET BECAUSE UNITED STATES IS THE LARGEST CORPORATION ON THE PLANET. OSCARS? PUBLIC CORPORATE GIG. GRAMMYS? PUBLIC CORPORATE GIG. CORPORATE GIGS ARE HARD BECAUSE OF THE LONG “NO-GO” LIST. PLACES YOU CANNOT GO. THINGS YOU CANNOT SAY.

[NFL MEYERS]

NFL HONORS PRIZED CORPORATE GIG. TAPED SUPER BOWL EVE. CONAN DOES IT ONE YEAR, TOO.

[NFL CONAN]

YOU CAN ALMOST TELL BY LISTENING THAT SETH AND CONAN ARE CHAINED TO THE TELEPROMPTER. THEY COULD HAVE JUST MASTERED THE ONE THOUSAND WORDS, BUT LIKE THE FOREGOING DEMOCRATS AND UNLIKE OCASIO-CORTEZ AND TRUMP, THEY DON’T CARE ENOUGH TO DO THE WORK AND, NEITHER OF THEM ARE STAND-UPS, UNLIKE THIS NUT, STAGES THE STAGE, TELEPROMPTER FREE, AGGRESSIVELY UP IN THEIR GRILL!

[SH 1]

MAKES IT LOOK EASY · BUT THIS IS A TOUGH GIG · THIS IS THE NFL HONORS AWARDS · NOT ONE OF THE THOUSANDS OF FANS IN THE BALCONY BOUGHT A TICKET TO SEE STEVE HARVEY · AND THE NFL STARS · PLAYERS SEATED DOWN FRONT · NERVOUS AS HELL · ALL HAVE CORPORATE SPONSORSHIPS EXTERNAL TO THE LEAGUE · STEVE HARVEY CALLING BULLSHIT · WHO ARE THEY THINKING ABOUT · COLIN KAEPERNICK · YOU CAN SEE IS THEIR FACE · GET ME THORUGH THIS · NOBODY CAN SAY ANYTHING EXCEPT TRUMP AND STEVE HARVEY · WHY THE 2020 DEMOCRATS ARE SO TIGHT · STEVE’S GOT MORE BULLSHIT TO CALL!

[SH 2]

TRUTH. AFTER TRUTH. AFTER AGGRESSIVE TRUTH. THEN HE PIVOTS…

[SH 3]

…YOU CAN BREATHE NOW. NOT A THREAT. JUST FUCKING WITCH YA’!

[SH 4]

I RESPECT WHAT YOU DO. I LOVE Y’ALL AS A GROUP AND I’M GONNA BRING IT DOWN, GET ALL QUIET, GENUFLECT RIGHT HERE, GO TO CONFESSION…

[SH 5]

WE’RE FIVE MINUTES IN AND FANS ARE LIKE: “FUCK THE AWARDS. STEVE HARVEY FOR PRESIDENT!”

A STEVE HARVEY 2020 CAMPAIGN WOULD TELL THE STORY OF THE STRUGGLE · LIKE TRUMP · ON AN AUDIENCE-SPECIFIC BASIS. DIFFERENT AUDIENCE. DIFFERENT STRUGGLE. BUT THE CONCEPT IS IDENTICAL. HARVEY WAS HOSTING GAME SHOWS LONG BEFORE THE APPRENTICE. HE’S BETTER THAN TRUMP. FUNNIER THAN TRUMP. QUICKER THAN TRUMP. WHICH HE PROVES BY DEFTLY BRIDGING ANY RACIAL DIVIDE, CUSTOMIZED FOR THE AUDIENCE, ALL IN LESS THAN NINETY SECONDS.

[SH 6]

NOW WITH EVERYBODY IN THE ROOM · LET’S TALK BLACKFACE HISTORY MONTH · START POSITIVE

[SH 7]

STARS POSITIVE · ENDS WITH A HUGE LAUGHLINE · THEREBY ISSUING HIMSELF A PERMISSION SLIP TO GO NEGATIVE AGAINST THE NFL · HIS CLIENT FOR THIS ONENIGHT STAND!

[SH 8]

STEVE IS SO CLOSE TO TELLING THE JOKE HE CAN’T WAIT TO TELL. MINUTE BY MINUTE HE’S BEEN EARNING THE PERMISSION SLIP TO GO THIS DARK PLACE. EXPRESSED HIS LOVE AND RESPECT FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE ROOM. LOVE FOR WHAT THEY DO. AN APPRECIATION FOR THE STRUGGLE. BUT TO GET 270 ELECTORAL VOTES HE NEEDS TO ASSERT HIS AUTHORITY · HE HAS TO ANSWER THE QUESTION NOBODY KNOWS IS ON THEIR MIND · “WHY AM I UP HERE AND YOU’RE DOWN THERE. WHY AM I ALONE STANDING ON STAGE LOOKING DOWN AT YOU AND YOU’RE DOWN THERE IN A MOB LOOKING UP AT ME.” CORY BOOKER. AMY KLOBUCHER. KAMALA HARRIS. KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND. ELIZABETH WARREN. THEY CAN’T ANSWER THAT QUESTION. BUT STEVE HARVEY KNOWS HE DOESN’T GET A SECOND CHANCE TO HIT THE GROUND RUNNING. SO IN A ROOM FILLED WITH THE GREATEST FOOTBALL PLAYERS IN THE WORLD HE’S LIKE: “YOU THINK YOU KNOW FOOTBALL. LET ME TELLY’ALL ABOUT FOOTBALL.” CHECK IT OUT.

[SH 9]

THAT’S WHAT LEADERSHIP SOUNDS LIKE. AND HAVING ASSERTED SAID LEADERSHIP, HE HAS THE PERMISSION SLIP TO TAKE THE AUDIENCE ANYWHERE.

[SH 10]

THIS IS TOM BRADY.

[SH 11]

CABLE NEWS HAS A LOT OF ADVERTISING TO SELL OVER DURING AMERICA’S TWO YEAR SEARCH FOR AN EIGHT YEAR ROOMMATE. FOX DOESN’T CALL OUT RACISTS, MSNBC DOESN’T CALL OUT DEMOCRATS, AND CNN IS BECOMING MORE DEFERENTIAL TO PRESIDENT TRUMP? WHY? YOU TELL ME. IS THERE A QUARTERBACK ANYWHERE IN THIS BUNCH OF BANANAS?

[SH 12]

WHAT ABOUT STARBUCKS CEO HOWARD SHULTZ? THE INDEPENDENT?

[SCHULTZ]

WORLD WOULD HAVE SHOOK LAST WEEK IF HOWARD SCHULTZ CALLED A PRESS CONFERENCE SAID THE FOLLOWING: “UNITED STATES IS NOT SOCIALIST. UNITED STATES IS CAPITALIST. IN A CAPITALIST SYSTEM YOU ARE NOT YOUR SKIN COLOR. YOU ARE NOT WHO YOU SEXUAL PREFERENCE. YOU ARE NOT YOUR GENDER. IN A CAPITALIST SYSTEM, YOU ARE YOUR CHECKBOOK. SO SPARE ME THE PEARL CLUTCHING. DEMOCRATS WANT TO GET BACK TO NORMAL.

[CIRCUS 1]

BACK TO NORMAL. LIKE, 1984 NORMAL?

EVERYBODY’S SO OFFENDED. KNOW WHAT OFFENDS ME? 143 MILLION AMERICANS POOR OR LOW WEALTH? MEDIAN NET WORTH OF AN AFRICAN AMERICAN FAMILY? SEVENTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS! THAT’S WHAT OFFENDS ME.

AND, ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ IS RIGHT — IT’S FUCKED UP THAT I’M A BILLIONAIRE · SHE’S RIGHT WHEN SHE SAYS: “WE DON’T NEED BILLIONAIRES.” IN FIARNESS TO ME, I NEVER SET OUT TO BE A BILLIONAIRE. I SET OUT TO BE A MILLIONAIRE AND OVER ACHIEVED. SO, WHILE I AM NOT BLACKFACED. I AM REDFACED. SO WHEN I COME TO YOUR TOWN, LET’S GRAB A CUP OF COFFEE, SORT THIS SHIT OUT, AND FIGURE OUT HOW TO BEAT ORANGEFACE!

[MUSIC UP]

COMMITTED LISTENERS MAY HAVE NOTICED — NOT ONE JOKE FROM FALLON OR KIMMEL — KIMMEL ESPECIALLY WOULD HAVE BEEN ALL OVER THE STORY OF A GOVERNOR IN BLACKFACE. LIKE STEVE HARVEY, THE JIMMYS HAVE TALK SHOWS AND A BLACKFACE PROBLEM.

[KIMMEL AS KARL MALONE]

FROM KIMMEL BACK IN THE DAY ON ESPN’S THE MAN SHOW TO FALLON BACK I NTHE DAY ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.

[FALLON AS CHRIS ROCK]

REALLY WAS FALLON. NOT CHRIS ROCK. CONAN’S GOT HIS OWN PROBLEMS.

[CONAN BULLSHITTERY]

THE REAL BULLSHITTERY IS THAT · GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEK DOT COM · POST DATED FEBRUARY 13TH · SCROLL PAST THE AUDIO PLAYER · ANOTHER YEARBOOK PHOTO · A HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK PHOTO · RALPH NORTHAM AND THREE FRIENDS · ONE OF HIS FRIENDS IS WEARING THE SAME PLAID PANTS AS THE BLACK FACE GUY AND RALPH IS TOO TALL TOBE THE GRAND DRAGON · THE PUNCHLINE IS · IT REALLY IS NOT HIM IN THE PHOTO · I MAY BE AN OUTLIER HERE · BUT NOBODY SHOULD LOVE THEIR JOB FOR IMPERSONATING MICHAEL JACKSON · MICHAEL JACKSON SPENT NO SMALL AMOUNT OF TIME IN HIS LIFE TRYING TO BRIDGE RACIAL AND CULTURAL DIVIDES · HE CONNECTED WITH BILLIONS OF PEOPLE · INCLUDING RALPH NORTHAM

I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE THAT FOR STEVE HARVEY TO PULL OFF WHAT HE PULLED OFF IN THAT ONE TIME TELEPROMPTER FREE PERFORMANCE AT THE NFL HONORS AWARDS, EVEN WITH ALL THE YEARS BEHIND HIM, HE PUT IN BETTER PART OF A WEEK PREPARING FOR THAT SHOW.

WHICH IS MORE TIME THAN I BELIEVE THESE 2020 DEMOCRATS HAVE PUT IN COMBINED!

YOU KNOW THAT FROM YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE WHEN YOU FULLY COMMITTED TO GETTING THAT MUCH NEEDED WIN IN YOUR LIFE.

TODAY’S SHOW WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE IN THE AGE OF BRAND-SAFETY TEAMS! NOT TRYING TO WIN AN ELECTION. NOT GUIDED BY ALGOS AND CLICKS.

IF THAT MAKES SENSE TO YOU AT A TIME WHEN LEBRON JAMES HAS TO APOLOGIZE FOR EXPRESSING HIS OPINION, GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK, BE MY SIDEKICK FOR TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED AND TAKE SOME OWNERSHIP IN THE STORIES WE TELL HERE!

SUPER SIMPLE. YOU DO NOT NEED AN ACCOUNT. AND WE WILL NOT SPAM YOU OR SELL YOUR INFORMATION. LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM AND KICK IN!

TO REACH OUT MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM. ON BEHALF OF HOUSE ANNOUNCER SHADOE STEVENS AND HOUSE BAND “DEAD MAN FALL”, KEEP BANGING! LATE NIGHT LAST NITE AND LATE NIGHT LAST WEEK ARE PRODUCTIONS OF SIS BOOM BAA LLC.