20190218-Script

NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is the draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management

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THANK YOU, SHADOE!

IT’S MONDAY! BANG THAT DRUM DAMMIT! FOUR SHOWS THIS WEEK. TOMORROW · TUESDAY · GUESTS OF THE NIGHT? BILL AND MELINDA GATES AND UNKNOWN COMIC JENNY ZIGRINO. WEDNESDAY WE WILL UNPACK A FASCINATING DAYSIDE CONVERSATION FROM TWO TITANS OF THE SPOKEN WORD, NAMELY STEVE HARVEY AND MONIQUE. THURSDAY · FRIDAY AT THE LATEST WE’LL PUT UP THE BIG SHOW · THAT’S LATE NITE LAST WEEK · WHERE WE IDENTIFY AND UNPACK THE STORY OF THE WEEK, AND HAND OUT THE SOON TO BE COVETTED SIS BOOM BAA AWARD FOR PUN OF THE WEEK, FAIL OF THE WEEK AND JOKE OF THE WEEK.

[WALL]

THAT IS EXACTLY RIGHT. ALL POLITICS. NEVER GONNA BE A WALL. FIRST TIMERS SCROLL DOWN THE TIMELINE TO JANUARY 13TH. HILARIOUS 30 MINUTE WALL SHOW. SAVE YOU A LOT OF TIME. THE LAW ALLOWS THE PRESIDENT TO DO THIS. QUESTION IS WHETHER CONGRESS ACTED OUTSIDE OF ITS AUTHORITY IF DELEGATING A LEGISLATIVE FUNCTION TO THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH. IF IT DID, SUPREME COURT COULD NULLIFY THE LAW, AT WHICH POINT TRUMP WOULD BE A SLAVE TO THE WILL OF CONGRESS. AKA OUR REPRESENTATIVES. AKA WE THE PEOPLE.

[OLIVER]

PRESIDENT RICKLES PASSED HIS PHYSICAL. ACED THE MAMMOGRAM!

[RIMSHOT]

OBESITY JOKE. PRESIDENT’S OFFICIALLY OBESE. AND OBTUSE. BUT THAT’S NOT WHY I CALLED. GUESTS OF THE NIGHT? BOTH STAND-UP COMICS: NATHAN MACINTOSH HAD A GREAT TIGHT FIVE ON HIS TONIGHT SHOW DEBUT AND THE VERY FUNNY NIKKI GLASER IS ALWAYS GREAT WITH CONAN. SEVEN MINUTES.

[MACINTOSH/CONAN/OLIVER]

THOSE OF YOU HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME · SHOWS ARE NOT ONLY FREE · THEY ARE FREE OF ADVERTISING · GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM PUSH THE APPROPRIATE BUTTON AND EVERY TIME WE UPLOAD A NEW EPISODE YOU WILL FEEL A VIBRATION IN YOUR PANTS · APPLE PODCASTS · SPOTIFY · GOOGLE PODCASTS · LOTTA PEOPLE LISTEN ON CASTBOX · PLAYER FM ALSO A GREAT APP

[HIGGINS]

MUSIC ACT OF THE NIGHT — LEON BRIDGES WITH “SHY” FROM HIS ALBUM “GOOD THING” · CLASSIC SMOOTH JAM ·

[MUSIC UP]

LEON BRIDGES · [ACT OUT: “BUILD BRIDGES NOT WALLS.”]

ALREADY WORKING ON LATE NITE LAST WEEK WHICH WILL UPLOAD THURSDAY OR FRIDAY. WITH THE EXCEPTION OF JIM JEFFERIE’S — EVERYBODY’S BACK AND WORKING: TREVOR, THE JIMMYS, JAMES, STEPHEN, CONAN AND THE WEEKLY SHOWS SNL, OLIVER, SAMANTHA BEE, DAYSIDE WE ALSO AUDIT ELLEN, STEVE HARVEY AND THE VIEW, BREAK THAT SHIT DOWN IN HUNDREDS OF LITTLE PIECES AND PUT IT BACK TOGETHER IN SERVICE OF A STORY THAT WILL HOPEFULLY HAVE SOME IMPACT IN YOUR LIFE.

SPEAKING OF SHY — THE CLASSICLY TRAINED GRADUATE OF YALE DRAMA SCHOOL, THE GREAT HENRY WINKLER, NOT THE LEAST BIT SHY ABOUT FINALLY WINNING AN EMMY!

[WINKLER/THEME]

TO REACH OUT MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM. ALWAYS HAPPY TO HEAR FROM COMMITTED LISTENERS AS WELL AS LISTENERS WHO SHOULD BE COMMITTED! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

FOR HOUSE ANNOUNCER SHADOE STEVENS AND MY GREAT HOUSE BAND “DEAD MAN FALL” KEEP BANGING!

LATE NITE LAST NITE AND LATE NITE LAST WEEK ARE PRODUCTIONS OF SIS BOOM BAA LLC.