20190222-Script

NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is the draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management

—————————
[SING-SONG] THANK, YOU, SHADOE! · IT’S MY YEAR LONG SEARCH · FOR THE LONGEST LAUGH IN LATE NIGHT · WHERE WE ONLY HAVE ONE RULE · NEVER EXPLAIN A SMART JOKE · TO AN IDIOT!

LUNCH WITH A COMEDIAN FRIEND IN TOWN FROM BANGLADESH YESTERDAY TO DO A CORPORATE GIG FOR A BUNCH OF DOCTORS · HOW MUCH TIME YA’ DO · THIRTY MINUTES · DOCTOR JOKES · NOTHING BUT · “HOW’S EVERYBODY IN C SECTION?!”

[RIMSHOT]

BUT THAT’S NOT WHY I CALLED!

BERNIE SANDERS TOSSED HIS TEETH IN THE RING!

[RIMSHOT/SANDERS]

BERNIE SANDERS HIGHEST APPROVAL RATING OF ANY SHITTING SENATOR!

JOHN OLIVER’S LIKE: “NOT JUST YET!”

[OLIVER]

WHAT THEY TALKIN’ ‘BOUT? IT’S?! · WHAT’S THAT? · OH · THE 2020 PRESIDENTIAL ERECTION

REFRAME: ACTUALLY 100 ERECTIONS WILL DECIDES THE NEXT PRESIDENT · 50 PRIMARYS · 50 SEPARATE STATE ERECTIONS · NATIONAL POPULAR VOTE DOES NOT COUNT · 100 TOTAL ERECTIONS · GIVE OR TAKE A CAUCUS · SO IT’S NOT IT’S · NOT SINGULAR · NOT IN TWENTY MONTHS · IT’S TEN MONTHS · 100 SEPARATE POLITICAL EVENTS · BEGINNING FEBRUARY THIRD · GOT THESE ODDBALL BATTLE LINES · BILL MAHER AND JOHN LEGEND PRAISING PRESIDENT RICKLES…

[BM/LEGEND]

“OKAY ASSHOLE?” · TALBIBANICAL CHRISTIAN RICK WILES ALL WILED UP!

[WILES]

HE’S NOT ALONE. WHY ARE TALIBANICALS LOSING THEIR SHIT · TRUMP WANTS GONE SOFT ON THE GAYS · THEIR WORDS NOT MINE · RUNS AFOUL OF THE NINTH COMMANDMENT: “THOU SHALT NOT FUCK THY NEIGHBOR’S ASS!”

[RIMSHOT]

UNLESS YOU HAPPEN TO BE A PRIEST · WHO NEEDS NEIGHBORS · GOT ALTAR BOYS AND NUNS · BUT HEY · 2019 · EVEN BERNIE SANDERS ISN’T SAFE · APRIL 6, 1981 · THIRTY EIGHT YEARS IN OFFICE WITHOUT A BLEMISH · FINALLY GOT SOMETHING ON ‘EM · TEN MINUTES FROM NOW, TELL YA’ WHAT IT IS · BUT FIRST, LET’S BRING OUT MY SOMEWHAT GUESTS, ALL UNWITTINGLY VYING FOR THE SOON TO BE COVETTED SIS BOOM BAA AWARD FOR JOKE OF THE WEEK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, DEMOCRATS AND CHRISTIANS, IT’S AMERICA’S COLLECTIVE OF LATE NIGHT POLITICAL PUNSTERS BEGINNING THIS WEEK WITH…

[HSTS-WHITNEY]

“OWNED BY THE JEWS.”

I KNOW ONE JEW LIKE TO OWN DONALD TRUMP · NAME IS BERNIE SANDERS · FIRST HE HAS TO EXTINGUISH MERE “COURSE CORRECTORS” LIKE KAMALA RUBIO.

[KAMALA/SANDERS INTRO]

THOSE OF YOU HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME SCROLL DOWN THE TIMELINE TO THE SHOW DATED FEBRUARY 13TH · FANTASIZES WHAT A STEVE HARVEY PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN WOULD LOOK LIKE · JUXTAPOSED AGAINST COURSE CORRECTORS LIKE KAMALA RUBIO WHO HAS NO CHANCE AGAINST A NOW PRESIDENT RICKLES WHO ALREADY SWALLOWED EIGHTEEN POLITICIANS JUST LIKE HER IN 2016.

BEST SPEECH OF THE 2016 GO-AROUND, WAS BERNIE SANDERS PREACHING AT, OF ALL PLACES, LIBERTY UNIVERSITY.

[LIBERTY]

SO WHAT HAVE THEY GOT ON SANDERS? HE’S OLD.

[SANDERS B]

DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO TO YOU · TRUMP DOES THAT · DOES UNTO OTHERS AND STOPS THERE · GOT THE FIRST PART · PREACHING THE GOLDEN RULE · BUT, YA’ KNOW · HE’S OLD!

[SANDERS C]

NO JUSTICE · BUT, YA’ KNOW · HE’S OLD.

[SANDERS D]

STAND AGAINST GREED · STAND WITH THE POOR · UNLIKE KAMALA RUBIO

[KAMALA 2]

“I AM NOT A DEMOCRATIC SOCIALIST” · BATTLE LINES DRAWN · A POPULIST BORN IN NEW YORK CITY IN THE FORTIES · NOT LOYAL TO ANY PARTY · BEST PUBLIC SPEAKER BY FAR · NOT EVEN A CLOSE SECOND · SINCE THIS SERIES IS 100% LISTENER SUPPORTED HERE · WE CAN JUST BE HONEST · BARRING NATURAL CAUSES OR ASSASSINATION · WE KNOW HOW THIS IS GONNA GO.

[SECOND TIME]

SHE’S RIGHT · ASK HILLARY: “BERNIE STAYS IN ‘TIL THE END AND DOES NOT PULL OUT!”

[AWDS]

THOSE OF YOU HEARD FOR THE FIRST TIME, WELCOME TO CONFLICT-FREE POLITICAL ANALYSIS. NOT TRYING TO WIN AN ELECTION. NOT TRYING TO PLEASE ADVERTISERS. ZERO GUIDANCE FROM ALGORITHMS.

YOU CAN TAKE A BIT OF OWNERSHIP IN THESE PRINCIPLES FOR 20 CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED AT LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM. SUPER SIMPLE. YOU DO NOT NEED AN ACCOUNT. WE WILL NOT SPAM YOU OR SELL YOUR INFORMATION.

EVERY HOST NEEDS A SIDEKICK · LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM AND KICK IN!

SEE YOU MONDAY MORNING WITH AN ALL NEW EPISODE OF LATE NITE LAST NITE!

IN THE MEANTIME · TO REACH OUT MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM. TO BE MY SIDEKICK GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM AND KICK IN TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED! ON BEHALF OF HOUSE ANNOUNCER SHADOE STEVENS AND HOUSE BAND “DEAD MAN FALL”, KEEP BANGING!

LATE NIGHT LAST WEEK AND LATE NIGHT LAST NITE ARE PRODUCTIONS OF SIS BOOM BAA LLC.