20190227-Script


NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is the draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management

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THANK YOU, SHADOE! · SPREADING THINGS OUT A BIT THIS WEEK · SINCE WE’RE OFF NEXT WEEK BECAUSE AMERICAN LATE NIGHT INDUSTRY MOSTLY RERUNS. COMEDY TEAM OF JIMMY KIMMEL AND FRED WILLARD CONTINUES!

[WILLARD]

FUNNY · THINGS ARE SO TIGHT THESE DAYS · HEAR A GUY CALL A WOMAN A BROAD YOUR ASS TIGHTENS UP · THAT’S WHEN YOU LEARN SAID BROAD IS SHOOTING FIREWORKS OUT HER ASS AND YOU’RE LIKE: “DEFINITELY A BROAD!”

HOLD THE DATE · FOURTH OF JULY’S GONNA’ BE HUGE · LIKE LINCOLN SAID: “LAWS ARE FOR PUSSIES!”

[RIMSHOT]

KOREA · VENEZUAL · IOWA · IN THAT ORDER!

[KOREA]

“WASN’T FOR ME WE’D ALL BE DEAD NOW! TIP YOUR WAITRESS! BE HERE ALL WEEKEND!

[RIMSHOT]

FEEL BAD FOR KIM JUNG UN · WHO RECEIVED THE OSCAR FOR BEST ANIMATED SHORT · THAT’S RIGHT · IT’S A SHORT JOKE · SO EDGY · FEEL BAD FOR THE LITTLE GUY · 2800 MILES BY ARMORED TRAIN · FROM NEW YORK TO L.A. BY TRAIN · GET OFF THE TRAIN · DONALD TRUMP · THAT’S TRUE LOVE RIGHT THERE!

[PENCE]

UNITED STATES SENDING CARE PACKAGES TO VENEZUALA · ASK AN IRAQI OR A LIBYAN HOW THINGS WORKED OUT WHEN UNITED STATES CLAIMED TO CARE ABOUT THEM.

[RIMSHOT]

ONE OF THE WOMEN LIKE TO REPLACE PRESIDENT TRUMP AND THE REVEREND PENCE? KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND TALKS BOLD IDEAS OVER LUNCH IN IOWA!

[GILLIBRAND]

THOSE OF YOU HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME · EXPLAIN THE LNLN VALUE PROPOSITION · I AUDIT EVERY EPISODE OF EVERY WEEKDAY AMERICAN LATE NIGHT SHOW, PLUS THE WEEKLY SHOWS, PLUS THE DAYSIDE SHOWS · SO I CAN INTRODUCE YOU TO PEOPLE LIKE MO WELCH…

[WELCH]

…WHO KILLS · YOU HEARD HER · KILLS FOR FIFTEEN SECONDS · WHICH IS THE AMOUNT OF TIME IT TAKES TO PERFORM THAT JOKE ON CONAN· REST OF THE SET · OTHER FOUR MINUTS FORTY FIVE SECONDS · UNEVENTFUL · UNLIKE SEASONED PRO WANDA SYKES · WANDA KNOWS HOW TO TALKSHOW!

[SYKES]

WANDA’S KILLING ELLEN AND IT’S HARD TO MAKE A COMIC LAUGH · WANDA ELLEN DECONSTRUCTING THE OSCARS · SAME’S TRUE ALL OVER THE INDUSTRY · BEST EFFORT BY FAR · NOT JUST FOR THE NIGHT · ARGUABLY BEST SKETCH ON A NIGHTLY NETWORK LATE NIGHT SINCE WE LAUNCH JANUARY 2016. ALL FOUR MINUTES.

[AMERICAN DIVERSITY COUNCIL]

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER? PATRIOTS OWNER, BOB KRAFT!

[RIMSHOT]

FROM HERSCHEL THRUST, PRICK BONUS, AND PEEONYA CHOKYA TO COMEDIAN SAM MORRIL ON CONAN!

[PACKAGE]

BAND OF THE NIGHT · FROM HIS ALBUM ‘SING TO ME INSTEAD’ · BEN PLATT · SINGING “BAD HABIT” · LIKE TO HELP ME OUT · LATE NITE LAST NITE AND LATE NITE LAST WEEK · 100% AUDIENCE SUPPORTED · ZERO ADVERTISING · YOU CAN BE MY SIDEKICK FOR TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED · LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM · LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM · TO KICK IN!

SPEAKING OF SIDEKICKS, LAST NIGHT JIMMY FALLON AND HIS SIDEKICK, THE GREAT STEVE HIGGINS · ALSO THE E.P. OF SNL · CELEBRATE FIVE YEARS OF HOSTING THE TONIGHT SHOW!

[HIGGINS 1]

TO REACH OUT MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM. ALWAYS HAPPY TO HEAR FROM COMMITTED LISTENERS AS WELL AS LISTENERS WHO SHOULD BE COMMITTED! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

[HIGGINS 2]

FOR HOUSE ANNOUNCER SHADOE STEVENS AND HOUSE BAND “DEAD MAN FALL” KEEP BANGING!

LATE NITE LAST NITE AND LATE NITE LAST WEEK ARE PRODUCTIONS OF SIS BOOM BAA LLC.