20190304-Script


NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is the draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management
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PROGRAMMING NOTE FOR COMMITTED LISTENERS · AMERICAN LATE NIGHT INDUSTRY IS RERUNS THIS WEEK · ONLY CBS IS WORKING · SO NEXT UPLOAD WILL BE TUESDAY, MARCH 12th!

[OPEN]

MY IMPRESSION OF MICHAEL COHEN · MR. TRUMP IS A RACIST [CRICKETS] · LET’S TRY THIS AGAIN: MR. TRUMP IS A CONMAN [CRICKETS] · MAYBE YOU DIDN’T HEAR ME CORRECTLY: MR. TRUMP IS A CHEAT [CRICKETS]

MORE YOU CALL TRUMP RACIST BETTER HE POLLS WITH WHITE PEOPLE!

[RIMSHOT]

RACIST. CONMAN. CHEAT. · THREE PILLARS OF 2016 TRUMP CAMPAIGN · IN 2020 IS DOUBLE-DOWN ON THE RACISM.

[RIMSHOT/MOTHER]

BEN STILLER AS MICHAEL COHEN LAST NIGHT ON SNL. HOW MANY YOU PEOPLE GOT CHILDREN? HOW MANY OF YOU WERE CHILDREN? THIS WOULD SUCK.

[JUNIOR]

FATHER SAYS YOU’RE A FUCKUP · EXHIBIT A IS YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO WHISPER · WHOLE PURPOSE OF WALKING BEHIND THE DESK IS TO NOT BE CLEARLY HEARD · NOT ONLY JUNIOR SO STUPID DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO WHISPER · HE’S SO STUPID HE DOESN’T KNOW THAT HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO WHISPER · IF YOU KNOW YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO WHISPER · YOU DON’T WALK BEHIND · STAY IN FRONT OF THE DESK WITH EVERYBODY ELSE · [ACT OUT: “CUSE ME. GET BEHIND THE DESK · YOU’RE LIKE: “MEETING’S ON, FATHER!!!”

[RIMSHOT]

BUT THAT’S NOT WHY I CALLED · WE’RE GONNA TALK HUSH MONEY · WHY · BECAUSE WE ALWAYS NEED TO KNOW WHERE WE ARE AND YOU HAVE BEEN MISLEAD AS TO WHAT IS AND IS NOT A CAMPAIGN FINANCE CRIME · NOT AN IDEOLOGICAL ANALYSIS · IT’S AN EVIDENTIARY ANALYSIS · DON’T CARE WHO YOU ARE · TWENTY FIVE MINUTES FROM NOW THERE WILL BE NO QUESTION IN YOUR MIND THAT THE HUSH MONEY PAYMENTS TO STORMY DANIELS ARE NOT CRIMES · NOT A CRIME · CONTRARY TO WHAT CABLE NEWS HAS BEEN SAYING AND CONTINUES TO SAY TO THIS DAY · TO PROVE WE’RE GONNA’ TAKE A HILARIOUS STROLL DOWN A DARK PATH · END OF THAT HILARIOUS DARK PATH WE WILL FIND A SINNER!

[CLUE]

A SINNER WHO WILL SET YOU FREE · THAT’S YOUR CLUE · THIRTY MINUTES FROM NOW YOU WILL SAY: “WOW! WHAT A SHOW!” · THOSE OF YOU HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME · WELCOME TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK · NUMBER ONE AUDIO-ONLY POLITICAL COMEDY SHOW ON THE PLANET · WE BEGIN AS WE DO EVERY WEEK BY INTRODUCING MY SOMEWHAT GUESTS · MY WUNWITTING CONTESTANTS · ALL VYING FOR THE SOON TO BE COVETTED SIS BOOM BAA AWARD FOR JOKE OF THE WEEK · BEGINNING WITH NEW ENGLAND PATRIOT’S OWNER ROBERT KRAFT · PLEADS NOT GUILTY · EVEN HIS LAWYER CAN’T GET HIM OFF!

[RIMSHOT]

DESUS AND MEROI!

[HSTS-WHITNEY]

THANK YOU, SHADOE!

25 MINUTES TO GO · MICHAEL COHEN WISHES · THREE YEARS TO GO · MAY SIXTH · OTISVILLE NEW FEDERAL PRISON CAMP · KOSHER LINE · SCOTUS · SEPARATION OF STATE FROM CHURCH CASE

[COHEN BEFORE]

JOKE IS BASED ON A TRUE STORY · COMEDY TEAM OF STILLER AND HADER · I’M TELLIN YA’ MICHAEL COHEN IS LOYAL! HOW LOYAL IS HE?! MICHAEL COHEN IS SO LOYAL · MORTGAGES THE HOUSE | TO COVER UP A MISTRESS | HE’S NOT FUCKING · IMAGINE · TRUMP DRIVE YOU TO DRINK · TOO MUCH · AND YOUR FRIEND GETS SICK · REFI SO THE BOSS CAN GET A HOLE IN ONE · COHEN LIES UNDER OATH SO TRUMP CAN LIE UNDER STORMY · HUNDRED THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS · OR AS STORMY CALLS: “SIXTY FIVE GRAND A MINUTE!” · INSTALLMENT PLAN · LIKE STORMY’S TITS · HUSH MONEY · “SUCK MY DICK AND MICHAEL WILL GAG YOU!” · PHYSICS ALONE!

[RACE 1]

PRESIDENT’S A RACIST · TIME OUT · TAKE A MINUTE TO NOTE MEMBERS OF CONGRESS HAVE COHEN’S TESTIMONY IN ADVANCE · THEY KNOW WHAT HE’S GONNA SAY · CONGRESSMAN MARK MEADOWS TAKES UMBRAGE ·

[RACE 2]

“SHE SAYS?!” DOES MISS PATTON TALK? “SHE SAYS?!” PUT HER UNDER OATH · “I KNEW Y’ALL GONNA’ BRING UP THE BLACKS · WE GOT ONE BACK STAGE · BRING HER IN BOYS · SHACKLES OFF · ON TELEVISION!

[RIMSHOT]

MISS PATTON · AND ANOTHER THING · YOUR MARK MEADOWS · YOU KNOW YOU SAID THIS…

[RACE 3]

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

[RACE 4]

…YOU KNOW YOU SAID THAT · LITTLE LESS UMBRAGE · ABC NEWS SENIOR LEGAL CORRESPONDENT SUNNY HOSTIN.

[LEGAL 1]

A SIGNATURE ACT OUT · PUN INTENDED · THAT SIGNATURE IS ON A CHECK FOR $35,000 FROM NOW PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP T0 MICHAEL COHEN · ABC NEWS SENIOR LEGAL CORRESPONDENT CALLS THIS: “REALLY REALLY SIGNIFICANT END AROUND CAMPAIGN FINANCE LAWS.” · JIMMY KIMMELS PROOF OF VERY SERIOUS CAMPAIGN FINANCE VIOLATION.

[LEGAL 2]

ABC NEWS SENIOR LEGAL · HUSH PAYMENTS TO INFLUENCE THE OUTCOME OF AN ELECTION

[LEGAL 3]

SUNNY WATCHES IT TWICE · TAKES NOTES · THAT’S WHAT SHE SAYS · AND COMEHOW COMES TO THE CONCLUSION THAT TRUMP DOESN’T WANT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO KNOW ABOUT IT · SHE DOESN’T GET THAT FROM COHEN…

[LEGAL 4]

USES CAMPAIGN FUNDS TO LIE TO THE WIFE. WHO ELSE DO WE KNOW WHO DOES THAT? WHO ELSE DO WE KNOW WHO USED CAMPAIGN FUNDS TO FINANCE A LIE TO THE WIFE? EVEN MORE TAWDRY · FROM THE ARCHIVES: LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN NOVEMBER 17 2006.

[LETTERMAN 1]

TWO CLUES. AN ADMITTED SINNER. THIS WIFE? NOT MELANIA. THIS WIFE IS ELIZABETH AND SHE’S DYING OF CANCER.

AGAIN FROM THE ARCHIVES · TWO YEARS LATER · COLBERT REPORT AUGUST 12 2008.

[COLBERT REPORT]

DIFFERENT PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE. DIFFERENT PARTY. SAME NATIONAL ENQUIRER. SAME DAVID PECKER. BUT, JOHN EDWARDS HAS NO IDEA.

AGAIN FROM THE ARCHIVES · THREE YEARS LATER · DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART JUNE 6, 2011.

[DAILY SHOW]

ARREST WARRANT ISSUES · BUT HERE THE ANALYSTS ARE LIKE: “LOUSY HUMAN BEING. LOUSY CRIMINAL CASE.

SOME OF YOU ARE THINKING: TRUMP WRITE A CHECK AS PRESIDENT. THAT HAS TO BE THE DIFFERENCE. NOPE.

[LETTERMAN 2]

THIS IS THE PART OF THE SHOW WHERE WE HAND SUNNY HOSTIN HER SHORTS · I MEAN · BROUGHT IT ON HERSELF · UNITED STATES OF AMERICA v JOHNNY REID EDWARDS · WHAT HAPPENS IN THAT CASE · JURY TRIAL · EDWRADS DOES NOT TAKE THE STAND · JURY ACQUITS · NOT HUNG · UNANIMOUS · NOT GUILTY · FREE TO GO · END OF CASE · WHY · BECAUSE LIKE TRUMP, HE USED THE MONEY TO FINANCE A LIE TO HIS WIFE · LAW SAYS YOU CAN ONLY CONVICT IF THE EVIDENCE DEMONSTRATES BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT THAT THE DEFENDANT MISUED THE MONEY TO INFLUENCE THE OUTCOME OF THE ELECTION.

COMEDY TEAM OF MAHER AND COULTER.

[COULTER/MAHER]

EVERYBODY KNEW TRUMP WASN’T GOING TO WIN. INCLUDING TRUMP.

OBAMA CAMPAIGN MISUSES CAMPAIGN FUNDS · PAYS A $375,000 FINE WITH CAMPAIGN FUNDS!

BUT FOR CABLE NEWS YOUR FOCUS WOULD NOT BE ON THE PRESIDENT. IT WOULD BE ON CONGRESS; WHICH NOT SURPRISINGLY MAKES A LAW THAT CREATES A CRIME THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO PROVE? WHY? CONGRESS HAS A CONFLICT OF INTEREST, BECAUSE EVERY MEMBER OF CONGRESS LOOKS IN THE MIRROR AND SEES A FUTURE PRESIDENT. AND EVERY MEMBER OF CONGRESS DOES NOT WANT TO GO TO JAIL. #WINDOWDRESSING.

PRESIDENT RICKLES YESTERDAY AT CPAC.

[TRUMP @ CPAC]

STAND CORRECTED · WHEN YOU’RE RIGHT YOU’RE RIGHT · #HASHTAG BULLSHIT!

[AWDS]

NEW YORK TIMES CEDED THE JOHN EDWARDS STORY TO NATIONAL ENQUIRER.

[EDWARDS MEDIA]

WHY? NEW YORK TIMES BLEW THE STORY · AS HAPPENED AGAIN YESTERDAY · PRESIDENT RICKLES SATIRIZES HIMSELF AT CPAC.

[EMAILS]

CLEARLY SATIRE · TIMES · WHICH I READ EVERY DAY · THEY FACT CHECK THE SATIRE · SPECIFICALLY THAT CLIP · IF ALL YOU DO IS READ THE TIMES · YOU HAVE NO IDEA IT’S SATIRE!

[SANDERS]

LINES ARE DRAWN · WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD · TRUMP v SANDERS · OR AS TRUMP SUPPORTERS CALL HIM: “THAT LEFTY BIG NOSE JEW COMMIE BASTARD.”

TO BE MY SIDEKICK FOR TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM AND KICK IN · WE WILL NOT SPAM YOU OR SELL YOUR INFO · SUPER EASY · AD-FREE GUARANTEE · LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM

SEE YOU BACK HERE MARCH 12TH · UNTIL THEN, FOR HOUSE ANNOUNCER SHADOE STEVENS AND HOUSE BAND “DEAD MAN FALL” · KEEP BANGING!!!

LATE NITE LAST NITE AND LATE NITE LAST WEEK ARE PRODUCTIONS OF SIS BOOM BAA LLC.