20190312-Script


NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is the draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management
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THANK YOU, SHADOE!

GREAT TO BE BACK. SPENT THE WEEKEND LISTENING TO ‘THRILLER’, BINGING ‘HOUSE OF CARDS’ AND JERKING OFF TO LOUIS C.K.

[RIMSHOT]

NOTHER THING · WHAT’S THIS SHIT ‘BOUT CARRIE UNDERWOOD BEING A PEDOPHILE?

[RIMSHOT]

THAT WOULD BE NEWS · [ACT OUT: “JESUS MAKE ME SQUEAL…] · SPEAKING OF NEWS · WAS OFF AWHILE · IF I UNDERSTAND CORRECTLY · COMMITTED LISTENERS FEEL FREE TO FACT CHECK ME ON THIS · IF I UNDERSTAND CORRECTLY · PRESIDENT RICKLES IS A RACIST, FACIST, CAREER CRIMINAL OWNED BY PUTIN WHO SHOULD NOT BE IMPEACHED.

[RIMSHOT]

ON THE OTHER HAND, HE SIGNS THE BIBLE DONALD JESUS TRUMP.

[RIMSHOT]

[ACT OUT: GOSPEL ACCORDING TO ME…]

[MIKE LINDELL]

MY PILLOW GUY AT CPAC · STUFFS HIS PILLOWS WITH TRUMP’S HAIR · BUT THAT’S NOT WHY I CALLED.

HOW OLD IS TOO OLD? HOW YOUNG IS TOO YOUNG? TWENTY FIVE YEAR OLD COLLEGE DROPOUT PETE DAVIDSON OF STATEN ISLAND ON HIS DALLIANCE WITH LONDON’S FORTY FIVE YEAR OLD OXFORD EDUCATED KATE BECKINSALE.

[PETE 1A]

JOKE YOU HEARD EARLIER…

[CHURCH 1]

CHURCH WANTS AN APOLOGY…

[CHURCH 2]

THIS IS ONE OF THOSE TIME · YA’ SAY: “YOU’RE RIGHT. MY BAD. CHURCH HAS BETTER MUSIC.”

[RIMSHOT]

FEBRUARY SECOND WE DID A SHOW FEATURING KIDS FROM EARTH GUARDIAN’S SAN FRANCISCO BAY AREA CREW. THEY CONFRONT DIANNE FIENSTEIN. GET A LOTTA OF ATTENTION. EXAMPLE OF TOO YOUNG.

[LITTLE GIRL]

SHE’S TEN!

“FIRST OF ALL THANKS FOR HAVING US ON…”

TEN AND TRAINED IN TALKING POINT BEST PRACTICES: NO MATTER THE FIRST QUESTION, THANK THEM FOR HAVING YOU ON, IGNORE THE QUESTION, THEN MAKE A SPEECH.

CAN SHE JUST BE TEN · LET HER BE A KID · IF SHE’S OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END SHE’S OLD ENOUGH FOR MICHAEL JACKSON HAVE A COUPLA FINGERS IN HER · YOU’RE RIGHT · TOO OLD FOR MICHAEL · SO MAYBE SHE’S LOCKED IN R KELLY’S BASEMENT · MICHAEL JACKSON, R KELLY, CATHOLIC CHURCH, ALL LITERALLY PREFERABLE TO BEING TOLD AT TEN THAT THE WORLD IS ENDING BEFORE YOUR PARENTS BRIBE MY KID TO TAKE THE SAT FOR YA!

[RIMSHOT]

WHAT IF THE WORLD DOESN’T END? THEN SHE’S REALLY FUCKED! TOO YOUNG!

[SANDERS 1]

FEBRUARY 22ND · DID A SHOW CALLED: “SANDERS TOSSES HIS TEETH INTO THE RING” · ALL LATE NIGHT HAS IS AGE JOKES.

[SANDERS 2]

SANDERS 78. RAUMATIZED TEN YEAR OLD. DAVIDSON/BECKINSALE AVERAGE OUT AT 35. ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ IS 30 TOO YOUNG FOR JOY BEHAR STILL RELIES ON AL ROKER.

[AOC/BEHAR]

JOY BEHAR PRESIDENT RICKLES BOTH 72 · THE WEATHERMAN · AL ROKER

[PETE 2A INTRO]

HOW ‘BOUT 37? PETE BUTT-EDGE-EDGE. MAYOR PETE. THIRTY SEVEN. CONSTITUTION SAYS ANY NATURAL CITIZEN 35 OR OLDER. PEOPLE SAY: “BACK THEN PEOPLE DIED AT 49.”

FIRST FIVE PRESIDENTS · WASHINGTON DIES AT 66. WASHINGTON 66 · JOHN ADAMS 90 · JEFFERSON 83 · MONROE 73 · THAT’S BEFORE OBAMACARE

[PETE 2B]

GOT THESE LUNATICS · A SECULAR PRESIDENT PUTS THE WORD OF GOD BEFORE THE WORD OF THE PEOPLE · MY PILLOW GUY · TRUMP SANDERS LOUD NEW YORK CONFIDENCE · CONFIDENCE IS CONFIDENCE · DON’T HAVE TO BE LOUD · COMMITTED LISTENERS MERCILESSLY MOCK CORPORATE DEMOCRATS COMPARING THEM TO A BUNCH OF BANANAS · LISTEN AS MAYOR PETE CONFIDENTLY TAKES HIS GREATEST PERCEIVED WEAKNESS · YOUTH AND INEXPERIENCE · MAKES IT HIS GREATEST STRENGTH.

[PETE 2C]

TAKES THE REVEREND PENCE’S GREATEST POLITICAL STRENGTH · RELIGIOUS PIETY · TRANSFORMS IT INTO VICE PRESIDENT’S GREATEST WEAKNESS · ALL WHILE TWISTING THE KNIFE ON TRUMP.

[PETE 2D]

PORNSTAR PRESIDENT · LITTLE ALLITERATION · JUST TO SEND MIKE PENCE RUNNING TO MOTHER…

[PETE 2E]

ALSO TO MODEST TO MENTION THAT LIKE KATE BECKINSALE · ALSO WENT TO OXFORD

[PETE 2F]

UNKNOWN MUSICIAN JEREMIAH LLOYD HARMON · BEEN FOLLOWING AMERICAN IDOL AUDITIONS · INSPIRED BY PEOPLE LIKE PETE BUTTEDGEEDGE AND JEREMIAH WHO JUST GO FOR IT · LET IT LAND WHERE IT LANDS · COLBERT’S ONLY GUY WORKED LAST WEEK · HENCE THE LACK OF DIVERSE VOICES · BUT THE ENTIRE AMERICAN LATE NIGHT INDUSTRY’S BACK AT FULL STRENGTH THIS WEEK · I SUSPECT WE’LL BE TALKING ABOUT INVESTIGATIONS, IMPEACHMENT, LIEING, CHEATING, STEALING · AND IT’S ALL HILARIOUS!

LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM · 100% LISTENER SUPPORTED · TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALLIZED · BE MY SIDEKICK · LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM TO KICK IN!

EMAIL MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM · MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM · FOR HOUSE ANNOUNCER SHADOE STEVENS AND MY GREAT HOUSE BAND “DEAD MAN FALL” KEEP BANGING!

LATE NITE LAST NITE AND LATE NITE LAST WEEK ARE PRODUCTIONS OF SIS BOOM BAA LLC.