20190318-Script

NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is the draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management

[OPEN A]

FORMER TONIGHT SHOW HOST JAY LENO LAST WEEK ON FALLON AND FORMER DAILY SHOW HOST JON STEWART WITH FORMER CO-HOST OF CNN’S CROSSFIRE TUCKER CARLSON, OCTOBER 15, 2004.

BY THE WAY · MANY COMMITTED LISTENERS SAYING: “WHERE’S THE COLLEGE BRIBERY SHOW.” IT WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU WEDNESDAY MORNING. WHOLE THING PISSES ME OFF./ PAY ALL THIS MONEY BRBING MY KID INTO USC, SHOWS UP FOR WATER POLO WITH A HORSE!

[RIMSHOT]

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, WILLIAM H MACY’S, ALSO KNOWN AS, MY FELICITY HUFFMAN · BILL’S CELEBRATING HIS 69TH BIRTHDAY. WANNA GO TO THE PARTY MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM IF YA WANNA TO THE PARTY · I KNOW SOMEONE WHO CAN GET US IN!

[RIMSHOT]

BUT THAT’S NOT WHY I CALLED!!!

[LENO/STEWART]

“HARD TO TOP THIS GROUP” · JON STEWART FOURTEEN YEARS AGO ON THE W BUSH ADMINISTRATION.

[LENO/COLBERT]

WHICH BRINGS US TO THIS MORNING · LITERALLY HOURS AGO · MARCH 17TH · PRESIDENT TWEETS: “IT’S TRULY INCREDIBLE THAT SHOWS LIKE SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NOT FUNNY/NO TALENT, CAN SPEND ALL OF THEIR TIME KNOCKING THE SAME PERSON (ME), OVER AND OVER, WITHOUT SO MUCH OF A MENTION OF ‘THE OTHER SIDE.’ LIKE AN ADVERTISEMENT WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES. SAME WITH LATE NIGHT SHOWS.”

WHAT THIS TWEET MATTER? BOUT TEN MINUTES I’LL TELL YA’ WHY. ALSO GONNA UNPACK THE RESPONSE TO A REMARK I MADE LAST WEEK · PISSED SOME OF YOU PEOPLE OFF · WILL PERFORM SAID UNPACKING WITHOUT VIOLATING OUR ONE LONG STANDING RULE!

[IAN EXPLAINS A JOKE]

NEVER EXPLAIN A SMART JOKE TO AN IDIOT · HAVE A LOT TO DO BEFORE WE GET AROUND TO UNPACKING APPARENTLY THE MOST UPSETTING REMARK IN THE HISTORY OF THIS FRANCHISE, LOTTA LISTENERS CALL IT “CRINGEWORTHY. DISGUSTING. LOW BROW” · THEY ARE NOT INCORRECT · AFTER THE AWARDS I’M GOING TO PLAY FOR YOU A CLIP WHICH IN MY OPINION IS EVEN MORE UNWORTHY OF THIS AUDIENCE; BUT ALMOST ALL OF YOU WILL THINK IT IS WAY LESS CRINGEWORTHY · ALL OF THAT IS SECONDARY, MIND YOU, SECONDARY, TO SOMETHING JAY LENO SAID THAT GOT THE PRESIDENT’S ATTENTION

SO IT’S A BIG SHOW · THOSE OF YOU HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME · IT’S YOUR LUCKY DAY · THAT SAID · HIT PAUSE · AND LISTEN TO THE SHOW BEFORE THIS SHOW FIRST. IT’S ONLY 25 MINUTES. THIS SHOW WILL MAKE SENSE EITHER WAY. BUT IT WILL BE MORE IMPACTFUL IF YOU JUMP BACK TO THE PREVIOUS EPISODE TITLED “FOR PETE’S SAKE” — BECAUSE THAT’S THE WEEK ALLEGED PEDOPHILES MICHAEL JACKSON AND R KELLY WERE MAKING HEADLINES.

THIS IS 100% LISTENER SUPPORTED, AD-FREE, CONFLICT-FREE LATE NITE LAST WEEK. GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM TO KICK IN TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALLIZED. ZERO ADVERTISING. I WORK FOR YOU AND YOU ONLY. THIS SHOW IS MY CAREER. I WANT NOTHING FROM THE INDUSTRY. NOT A STEPPING STONE TO SOMETHING BIGGER AND BETTER. NOTHING ABOUT THIS PLATFORM I DO NOT LOVE. DOESN’T GET ANY BETTER!

THAT’S LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM TO KICK IN AND BE MY SIDEKICK. WHY? BECAUSE EVERY HOST NEEDS A SIDEKICK. WE WILL NOT SPAM YOU SELL YOUR INFO SUPER EASY DONT’ NEED AN ACCOUNT. LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM.

[IAN 2]

STILL EXPLAINING · BY THE WAY · AS WE GO ALONG HERE TODAY I WANT YOU TO BE THINKING ABOUT THIS PREMISE: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU KNEW YOU ONLY HAVE TEN YEARS TO LIVE. NOT TEN YEARS KINDA SORTA. EXACTLY TEN YEARS. TO THE DAY. IT’S A PEACEFUL DEATH. THERE’S EVEN A SMILE ON YOUR FACE. MARCH 17TH 2029 YOU’RE DONE.

HOW WOULD YOU LIVE DIFFERENTLY, IF AT ALL? GOT IT?! READY TO START THE SHOW?
LET’S DO IT · VOLUNTEER · WHO WANTS TO STEP BACKSTAGE RAISE THE CURTAIN · YOU WITH THE PURPLE ON THE EYELIDS AND THE FUCK YOU SHIRT · LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, BOYS AND GIRLS, DEMOCRATS AND CHRISTIANS, LET’S HEAR IT FOR MY SOMEWHAT GUESTS, ALL UNWITTINGLY COMPETING FOR THE SOON TO BE COVETTED SIS BOOM BAA AWARD FOR FOR JOKE OF THE WEEK · IT’S AMERICA’S RETINUE OF LATE NIGHT RACONTEURS BEGINNING WITH DESUS AND MERO KILLING IT ONCE A WEEK ON SHOWTIME!

[HSTS-WHITNEY]

THANK YOU, SHADOE!

JAY LENO BE STARTIN’ SOMETHING · AND NOW A SHITTING PRESIDENT · PRESIDENT PORNSTAR’S COMING FOR LATE NIGHT COMING FOR SATUERDAY NIGHT LIVE!

BY THE WAY · ANYONE TRIGGERED BY THE MICHAEL MUSIC? DIDN’T THINK SO. NOT EVEN A THING. NOT IN A REAL LIFE. ON THE SOCIALS PEOPLE BE LIKE: “NEVER LISTEN TO MICHAEL AGAIN.”

POSERS.

ANYONE CAN HAVE THEIR OWN SHOW, BUT NOT EVERYONE IS READY TO BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS AND INACTIONS.

POSERS.

KIMMEL PROVES THE THEORY EVERY WEEK WITH LIE WITNESS NEWS. LAST WEEK IS A WEEK IN WHICH KIMMEL’S TEAM TAKES TO THE STREET ON ASH WEDNESDAY · ASH WEDNESDAY’S FANCY WAY OF SAYING THE FIRST DAY OF LENT · SO ON THE FIRST DAY OF LENT KIMMEL WANTS TO KNOW: “HOW WAS LENT FOR YOU? WAS IT A STRUGGLE? WHAT DID YOU SACRIFICE?”

[LENT]

I KNOW A GUY KNOWS A GUY ON KIMMEL’S STAFF SAYS IT’S SUPER EASY TO FIND THESE POSERS ALL UP AND DOWN HOLLYWOOD BLVD. PEOPLE SO STUPID COACHES AT USC WON’T TAKE THEIR BRIBE.

[RIMSHOT]

BEFORE WE GET ROLLIN · Y’ALL WANNA HEAR THE FAKE MELANIA JOKES · COURSE YA’ DO · TWO MINUTES

[FAKE MELANIA]

JAMIE FOXX IN THE SHOP WITH LEBRON JAMES.

[FOXX 1]

KEVIN HART · EPIC EPISODE OF LATE NITE LAST WEEK · YOU MISED IT · DATED DECEMBER 12TH · AND AGAIN ON JANUARY 16TH · BOTH KEVIN HART SHOWS

WHEN JAMIE FOXX DOES STAND-UP TO MAKE YOU LAUGH. THAT’S IT. BETTER EXAMPLE · ALSO FROM LAST WEEK ON THE TONIGHT SHOW · THE GREAT JIMMY CARR.

[CARR 1]

SUBTEXT OF THAT JOKE? ANAL SEX.

[CARR 2]

THAT’S A RAPE JOKE. SHE’S BLIND. THINKS SHE’S FUCKING HER HUSBAND. POSH RAPE JOKE.

[CARR 3]

MULTIPLE FELONIES RELATED TO THE DISPOSAL OF HIS GRANDMOTHER’S BODY.

ANAL SEX. RAPE. ABUSING A CORPSE. ALL HILARIOUS. JIMMY CARR ONE OF THE BEST TO EVER DO STAND-UP. JON STEWART ALSO A GREAT STAND-UP. TAKES THE DAILY SHOW ’96 AND UNTIL AUGUST 6TH 2015, PERFORMS THAT SHOW FOR NEARLY TWENTY YEARS · BEFORE THAT · GREAT STAND-UP. BUT THE DAILY SHOW IS NOT STAND-UP. THE DAILY SHOW IS ONE OF THE MOST TRUSTED SOURCES FOR NEWS. WHICH BRINGS US BACK TO TUCKER CARLSON JOHN STEWART 2004.

[CROSSFIRE 1]

THREE MONTHS LATER CROSSFIIRE IS CANCELLED. TO THIS DAY, ASK 100 PEOPLE WHO HAVE WATCHED THIS CLIP, 99 WILL SAY JON STEWART OWNED TUCKER CARLSON. AND THEY MAY BE RIGHT. BUT THAT IS NOT THE END OF THE INQUIRY.

[CROSSFIRE 2]

JON SHOWED UP AT CROSSFIRE, WITH THAT BOW TIE JOKE LOCKED AND LOADED. PROBABLY HUNKERED DOWN WITH HIS 20 WRITERS BEFORE THE APPEARANCE. TUCKER CARLSON AND PAUL BEGALA HAS NO CHANCE. THIS IS PART ALWAYS GETS MY ATTENTION.

[CROSSFIRE 3]

WHAT IS JON STEWART SAYING THERE. IS HE SAYING YOU CAN’T TRUST THE INTEGRITY OF THE DAILY SHOW. HOSTS THAT SHOW HE’S NOT DOING STAND-UP. TREVOR’S NOT DOING STAND-UP. JON OLIVER’S NOT DOING STAND-UP. I’M NOT DOING STAND-UP. WE’RE ALL DOING POLITICAL SATIRE. AT IT’S CORE AND AT IT’S BEST, POLITICAL SATIRE IS AN ATTACK ON THE POWERFUL FOR ABUSING THEIR POSITION OF TRUST.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE REMARK I MADE LAST WEEK GO SO MANY PEOPLE ANIMATED. SHOWS STARTS NEGATIVE. UNDERLYING DARKLY HILARIOUS SUBJECT MATTER IS NOT ANAL SEX, RAPE, OR DESECRATION. IT’S PEDOPHILIA. MICHAEL JACKSON DOCUMENTARY. WE DON’T KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT MICHAEL JACKSON. WE DON’T KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT BILL COSBY. WE KNOW THAT A JURY IS CONVINCED BILL COSBY COMMITTED A FELONY. IT IS A LEGAL FACT BILL COSBY IS A RAPIST. I BELIEVE HE’S A RAPIST. I DON’T KNOW HE’S A RAPIST. I CAN’T TESTIFY TO IT. THAT WOULD BE HERESY.

WE KNOW PEOPLE LIE ABOUT LENT. WE KNOW A JURY BELIEVES THE STATE WAS UNABLE TO PROVE MICHAEL WAS GUILTY OF BEING A PEDOPHILE. ENTER CLIMATE CHANGE GIRL.

[GIRL 1]

LAST WEEK WAS THE SECOND SHOW FEATURING THAT LITTLE VOICE. FIRST SHOW, FEBRUARY SECOND SHE’S THE STAR. SUPER CUTE. PRESENTS A POSTER ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE TO DIANNE FEINSTEIN AND GETS SHIT ON.

SECOND SHOW · LAST WEEK’S SHOW · SHE’S A VICTIM · HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME · ESPECIALLY IF YOU JUST CLICKED OVER FROM NPR · MAY BE A TOUGH LISTEN · NINETY SECONDS FROM LAST WEEK

[GIRL 2]

IT’S A LEGIT QUESTION · REASON THIS DECONSTRUCT IS NOT A VIOLATION OF THE RULE WHICH SAYS NEVER EXPLAIN A SMART JOKE TO AN IDIOT · I DIDN’T HEAR ANY SMART JOKES THERE AND I DIDN’T HEAR FROM ANY IDIOTS THIS WEEK · ONE OF COOLEST PARTS OF SWITCHING TO A 100% AUDIENCE SUPPORTED BUSINESS MODEL IS MEETING THE PEOPLE IN THIS AUDIENCE · OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE A COUPLA’ FINGERS IN HER · DISGUSTING · A PREMISE THAT IT NOT FLESHED OUT · IF I HAD IT TO DO OVER AGAIN I WOULD TOTALLY DO EXACTLY THE SAME THING · BECAUSE IT’S JUST AN UNFLESHED-OUT PREMISE · IT’S ONLY WITH THE BENEFIT OF AN ADDITIONAL WEEK · TAKE A CHAIR HERE AT THE WRITING TABLE · ANY BREAKING BAD FANS · KNOW THE EPISODE ENORMOUS TORTOIS WALKING THROUGH THE DESERT WITH A GUY’S SEVERED HEAD ON IT · HOW ANTI-SOCIAL WAS THE WRITING ROOM THAT DAY · WE HAVE A GREAT QUESTION: WHAT’S WORSE? TRAUMATIZING YOUR TEN YEAR OLD INDIRECTLY BY INVITING MICHAEL UP THE HOUSE FOR A SLEEPOVER? OR TRAUMATIZING HER INDIRECTLY BY TELLING HER THE WORLD IS ENDING IN TEN YEARS?

BETTER STILL, IF YOU TRULY BELIEVE THE WORLD IS ENDING IN TEN YEARS WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN DIANNE FEINSTEIN’S OFFICE WITH YOUR TEN YEAR OLD? WHY AREN’T YOU OUT RUNNING UP THE CREDIT CARDS? WHY AREN’T YOU OUT ENJOYING TIME WITH YOUR KIDS. WHY ARE YOU STILL CONTRIBUTING TO YOUR RETIREMENT ACCOUNT. THE WORLD IS ENDING IN TEN YEARS.

COUPLA FINGERS · THAT IS NOT A THROWAWAY LINE. I SCRIPT THAT LINE. I RECORD THAT LINE. IT SURVIVES THE FINAL CUT. ONLY PLACE YOU CAN EVEN SAY THAT LINE IS IN A PODCAST OR AT THE CLUB. I WOULD TAKE THAT LINE TO THE CLUB. SAY IT. AUDIENCE WOULD GROAN. I’D QUICKLY GET THEM BACK SOMEHOW. THEN I’D WRITE THE NEXT VERSION. NO BIGGIE.

AFTER THE AWARDS YOU’LL HEAR A CLIP FROM DESUS AND MERO WITH JOHN LEGEND THAT DID NOT SURVIVE BECAUSE IT’S NOT WORTHY OF THIS AUDIENCE. IT’S EVEN MORE CRINGEWORTHY IN MY OPINION.

ON CROSSFIRE, JON STEWART USES HIS COMEDIC TALENT TO DEFLECT TUCKER’S SPOT-ON CRITICISM THAT HE ASKS JOHN KERRY SOFTBALL QUESTIONS. WE DON’T DO SOFTBALL HERE. WHY? DIFFERENT FILTER.

[MAHER]

FROM FRIDAY NIGHT. THERE’S ANOTHER LEVEL TO BILL’S POINT. ALL THESE DEMOCRATS RUNNING FOR OFFICE · OPPORUTNITY TO LEAD · FIRE UP THE MIC HERE EARLIER TONIGHT · I’M EXCITED ABOUT THIS SHOW · CLEAR MESSAGE · I CANNOT WAIT TO SHARE · ALL THESE WANNABE DEMOCRATS · WITH THE EXCEPTION OF BERNIE SANDERS WHO IS NOT A DEMOCRAT AND WHO SPEAKS AT PLACES LIKE LIBERTY UNIVERSITY · ALL THESE DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL WANNABES · NOT ONE SAYS: “I CAN’T WAIT TO BRING MY SHOW TO FOX NEWS. WHAT THE FUCK DNC?” NOT ONE. YOU SAY YOU WANNA LEAD. BUT YOU REALLY DO WANNA LEAD. OR WORSE, YOU DON’T RECOGNIZE THE OPPORTUNITY TO LEAD WHEN IT PRESENTS ITSELF!

[DUTY TO IMPEACH]

BILL MAHER WITH FORMER FLORIDA GUBERNATORIAL CANDIDATE TURNED CNN POLITICAL ANALYST ANDREW GILLUM. “UNIQUELY UNQUALIFIED.”

POSERS. ALL POSERS.

THE TRUMP TWEET I READ EARLIER ATTACKING SNL. TWEETED THAT THIS MORNING. GOING AFTER LATE NIGHT. PRESIDENT PORNSTAR SWEARS TO UPHOLD AND DEFEND THE CONSTITUTION. FIRST AMENDMENT IS PART OF THE CONSTITUTION. HE VIOLATES THAT SWORN DUTY ON A DIALY BASIS.

[FALLON]

IT’S A DISHONEST, UNCONSTITUTIONAL GAME. WAR OF PERSONALITIES. ANDREW GILLUM.

[MAHER 2]

NOT TO DO THEIR JOB. RATHER, TO PERFORM THEIR LEGAL DUTY.

NANCY PELOSI SWORE AN OATH TO THE SAME CONSTITUTION. HAS A LEGAL DUTY TO PERSUE IMPEACHMENT BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT UNDERMINES THE FIRST AMENDMENT INSTEAD OF UPHOLDING IT. INSTEAD OF PERFORMING HER DUTY, SHE USES THE NEXT ELECTION · THERE’S ALWAYS NEXT ELECTION · USE THE NEXT ELECTION TO MAKE POLITICAL CALCULATIONS.

AS A PARENT, YOU HAVE A LEGAL DUTY TO FEED, CLOTHE AND HOUSE YOUR CHILDREN AND TO NOT INVITE MICHAEL JACKSON UP THE HOUSE FOR A SLEEPOVER. AS A RESULT OF THIS RICH PRESMISE WE FLESHED OUT, I SAY, THAT LEGAL DUTY EXTENDS TO NOT TRAUMATIZING YOUR CHILDREN BY TELLING THEM THE WORLD IS GOING TO END BEFORE THEY REACH THE AGE OF TWENTY; ESPECIALLY IF YOU THINK IT’S TRUE!

SOCIAL MEDIA HAS CREATED AN ALTERNATE REALITY FOR MANY PEOPLE.

EVEN BILL MAHER. OUR GREATEST POLITICAL SATIRIST. ON A WEEKLY BASIS EXPRESSES THE FEAR THAT AT THE END OF FOUR OR EIGHT YEARS, TRUMP WILL REFUSE TO LEAVE.

[COLBERT/KIMMEL]

IF THE WORLD IS ENDING IN TEN YEARS, THERE’S NO DISNEY. DISNEYLAND CAN’T FIND WORKERS. NO CAPITALISM. NO SOCIALISM. EVERYONE JUST ENJOYING EVERY DAY LIKE IT’S MARCH 17TH, 2029. IT’S ALL POTATO CHIS AND COOKIES. AND NOBODY, NOT ONE PERSON WILL BE TALKING ABOUT MICHAEL JACKSON, DONALD TRUMP, OR THE NEXT ELECTION.

[AWDS/GALAXY]

THAT CLIP DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT IN THE LAST GO AROUND ‘CAUSE I USED TO OWN A COMEDY CLUB, HEARD VARIATIONS OF THAT AT TOO MANY OPEN MICS. GOES TO SHOW WHAT I KNOW.

STORYCRAFT IS NOT THE STANDARDIZED ACHIEVEMENT TEST. SAT YOU GET A PRINTED FORM. COLOR IN CIRCLES. GET A JOB. AND DIE. IT’S THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.

STORYCRAFT IS A BLANK PAGE. YOU CREATE THE CIRCLES. YOU CONNECT THE DOTS. EVERY NOW AND THEN, COUPLA TIMES A YEAR, OPPORTUNITY COMES ALONG TO CONNECT PEDOPHILES, CLIMATE CHANGE, AND JAY LENO.

I LIVE FOR THAT SHIT.

TO REACH OUT MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM. ALWAYS HAPPY TO HEAR FROM COMMITTED LISTENERS AS WELL AS LISTENERS WHO SHOULD BE COMMITTED! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! SUBSCRIBE AND SUPPORT THE SHOW AT LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM. EVERY TIME WE UPLOAD A NEW EPISODE YOU WILL FEEL A VIBRATION IN YOUR PANTS.

FOR HOUSE ANNOUNCER SHADOE STEVENS AND HOUSE BAND “DEAD MAN FALL” KEEP BANGING!

LATE NITE LAST NITE AND LATE NITE LAST WEEK ARE PRODUCTIONS OF SIS BOOM BAA LLC.

[CARR KICKER]