20190321-Script


NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is the draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management
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LATE NITE LAST WEEK PRESENTS COLLEGE BRIBERY, ACT 1, THE PARENTS. ACT 2, THE KIDS, AND ACT THREE, THE LAW, WILL UPLOAD FRIDAY, MARCH 22ND AND SATURDAY, MARCH 23RD RESPECTIVELY.

[OPEN A]

MY YOUNGEST IS SIX SIX, HUNDRED FORTY POUNDS. LOOKS LIKE AN ALBINO PRAYING MANTIS! [RIMSHOT] SO THIN! HOW THIN! SO THIN BEDTIME WE’D JST SLIDE HIM UNDER THE DOOR. [RIMSHOT] SIX SIX. DOESN’T PLAY BASKETBALL. SCHOOL DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A TEAM. BUT I PHOTOSHOP LEBRON JAMES FACE OVER HIS BODY · GOD DAMN IF HE DIDN’T GET INTO USC!

[RIMSHOT]

TOUGH RAISING KIDS THESE DAYS. ANY IDEA HOW HARD IS TO FIND A TUTOR WHO WILL LAUNDER YOUR BRIBE

[RIMSHOT]

WELCOME FOLKS TO THE FIRST OF THREE SHOWS ON THE LARGEST COLLEGE BRIBERY SCANDAL IN UNITED STATES HISTORY. HOW GREAT IS IT THAT RICH WHITE WOMEN ARE COMMITTING CLASS B FELONIES TO GET THEIR DAUGHTERS INTO COLLEGE?

BEEN RUTTIN’ AROUND LIKE A PIG IN SHIT PAST COUPLA’ DAYS.

FEDS CALL IT “OPERATION VARSITY BLUES” · FOR ME IT’S MORE LIKE “OPERATION BAKALAVA’ · ‘CAUSE WE’RE GONNA’ SPEND THREE CONSECUTIVE DAYS PEELING BACK THE LAYERS!

LIFE IS 10% PREPAREDNESS AND 90% IMPROV. YOU CANNOT REVERSE ENGINEER PEOPLE TO FIT A TEST.

MY TWENTIES OWNED AND OPERATED AN ADVERTISING AGENCY. WROTE AND PERFORMED JINGLES FOR MY CLIENTS. LIVING IN NORWICH VERMONT. TOWN OF FOUR THOUSAND PEOPLE. HALF HOUR NORTH ON THE 89 DUDE NAMED BOBBY GOSH HAS A STUDIO. BOBBY’S 82 NOW. BOBBY TRAINED ON THE PIANO AT JULIARD. HAS A HOME WHERE WE WOULD PRODUCE MY JINGLES NEW YORKSTYLE AT A VERMONT PRICE. BOBBY LIVES IN A SMALL CASTLE. WHERE DOES THIS SINGER SONGWRITER GET CASTLE MONEY? 1974 BOBBY WRITES A JINGLE FOR BURGER KING CALLED: “HAVE IT YOUR WAY.” BURGER KING USES VARIATIONS OF THAT JINGLE FOR FORTY YEARS. 1974 TO 2014.

YOU CAN’T TEST FOR THAT. LIFE IS IMPROV.

EASTER SUNDAY I TURN SIXTY. WIFE ASKED ME IF I WANNA DO SOMETHING SPECIAL. I’M LIKE: “WANNA GET LAID ON GOOD FRIDAY. AND AGAIN ON HOLY SATURDAY. AND ON THE THIRD DAY · I WILL RISE AGAIN!

[RIMSHOT]

FORTY TWO YEARS. HAVE NO IDEA WHY SHE STAYS WITH ME.

[PARIS 1]

SEPTEMBER 28 2007 · AMONG MY TOP FIVE INTERVIEWS IN LATE NIGHT HISTORY!

WHAT WERE YOU GOOD AT IN HIGH SCHOOL? MY WIFE WAS VALEDICTORIAN. SHE WAS GOOD AT ALL THE RIGHT THINGS. I WAS GOOD AT WOODSHOP, MUSIC AND THEATRE. MADE, BY HAND, THE DINING ROOM TABLE, INCLUDING ALL THE SEATING USED BY MY FAMILY OF FIVE. MADE, BY HAND, THE SOFA. MADE, BY HAND, A FUCKING GRANDFATHER CLOCK. SAT DOESN’T TEST FOR THAT.

[PARIS 2/CROOKS]

PARIS HILTON SUCH A WANNABE CRIMINAL! THAT JINGLE BY THE WAY COURTESY OF COMMITTED LISTENER TURNED UNWITTING LATE NITE LAST WEEK CONTRIBUTING EDITOR, PATRICK CHARLES! THAT’S HIM SINGING RIGHT THERE. BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR PATRICK!!!

[COLBERT 1]

HONEST SERVICES FRAUD · DEPRIVE ANOTHER OF HONEST SERVICES. YOUR KID GETS SOMETHING ANOTHER KID DOESN’T. IT’S A RESEARCH UNIVERSITY. WHICH MEANS IT GETS FEDERAL MONEY. WHICH IS WHY, EVEN THOUGH YOUR FELICITY HUFFMAN, YOU HAVE THE FBI AT YOUR DOOR, NOT QUITE ROGER STONESTYLE. BUT GUNS DRAWN. HANDCUFFS. HOLDING CELL. $250K BAIL. CLASS B FELONY. $1M FINE · UP TO 30 YEARS IN PRISON · OR BOTH · FELICITY HUFFMAN IS GOING TO DIE A CONVICTED FELON · WITHIN TWO YEARS WANNA VISIT AN EU COUNTRY YOU WILL HAVE TO REGISTER. AS A FELON, FELICITY HUFFMAN IS DONE GOING TO EUROPE. SHE’S OFFERED A ROLE THERE SHE WILL HAVE TO GET A WORK PERMIT. WILLIAM H. MACY GETS A ROLE THERE, SHE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ACCOMPANY HIM. FOR LIFE.

WE HAVE A PRIVATE SCHOOL HERE IN SAN DIEGO · IF YOU CAN GET YOUR KID IN—

[DISCOVERY 1]

THAT’S WHAT MONEY BUYS! QUOTE: “AT ANY TIME. YOU KNOW EXACTLY. LESSON PLANS. MONTHLY FOLDERS. REGULAR INDIVIDUALIZED CONFERENCES. HOW ELSE IS YOU KID GOING TO ACHIEVE AND EXCEL, UNLESS YOU MEASURE AND TRACK AND OBSESS ON EVERY ASPECT OF HER LEARNING EXPERIENCE SO YOU KNOW WHETHER OR NOT TO SAY “CONGRATULATIONS” · IT’S A FUCKING PRESCHOOL!!! · NOT MAKING THIS UP! · THOSE CLIPS ARE MINED FROM COMMERCIALS FOR THE DISCOVERY ISLE PRESCHOOL NINE LOCATIONS IN AND AROUND SAN DIEGO.

[INFANT 1]

INFANT PROGRAM! “TODAY ANACONDA STUCK HER FIST IN HER MOUTH. NOT MASTERED IT YET. IXNAY ON THE CONGRATS FOR NOW.”

[SQUIRRELS]

“WHERE DO WE SEE SQUIRRELS? OUTSIDE. WE ARE WE NOW? INSIDE TALKING ABOUT WHAT WE COULD BE SEEING OUTSIDE!”

GOT THESE INSANE PARENTS LIKE FELICITY HUFFMAN AND LORI LOUGHLIN · WHAT’S THEIR FAVORITE PART · DISCOVERY ISLE PRESCHOOL HAS AN APP!

[APP 1]

BILLY SHIT HIMSELF TODAY.

[RIMSHOT]

YOU THINK I’M KIDDING!

[APP 2]

EVERYTIME HE SHIT HIMSELF. ALL RIGHT THERE. FORGET PRISON. HOOK FELICITY HUFFMAN UP TO THAT APP. “WILLIAM H. MACY BE ON THE SET OF SHAMELESS. LOOKS AT HIS PHONE. DIRECTOR’S LIKE: “EVERYTHING OKAY?” “FELICITY SHIT HERSELF AGAIN!”

[RIMSHOT]

“GOOD TO GO! LITERALLY GOOD TO GO!”

WHATDAYA IN FOR? PHOTOSHOP.

[RIMSHOT]

YOU LAUGH · BUT · KEVIN NEALON LAST WEEK WITH FALLON!

[NEALON]

WHEN HE’S DONE THE TOILETS SENDS A TEXT TO KEVIN’S MOTHER: “KEVIN DID BOOM BOOM IN THE POTTY.”

SAT DOESN’T TEST FOR FUNNY. KEVIN DOESN’T GO TO USC. DOESN’T GO TO YALE. SACRED HEART · 23 MILES SOUTH IN FAIRFIELD · WORTHLESS MARKETING DEGREE · NET WORTH OF $10M FOR TELLING JOKES ON THE TONIGHT SHOW ABOUT HIS ANAL PASSAGE GETTING HOSED OFF!

[RIMSHOT]

JUDD APATOW LAST WEEK WITH CONAN.

[APATOW]

OR WE COULD BORROW HUNDRED GRAND AND STUDY HUMANITIES. OR, MOVE TO ANY CITY WITH MORE THAN A MILLION PEOPLE, WALK DOWN THE STREET, AND STUDY HUMANITIES FOR FREE.

“WHERE DO WE SEE THE HOMELESS?”

“OUTSIDE!!!”

[RIMSHOT]

I GROW UP IN HUBBARTON VERMONT. POPULATION 200. 199 WHEN I LEAVE THEY HAVE TO CHANGE THE SIGN. JULIE AND I START OUR FAMILY IN NORWICH VERMONT. LITTLE BEDROOM COMMUNITY OF DARTMOUTH COLLEGE. WE GROW UP AN HOUR AWAY. NONE OF OUR FOUR PARENTS HAVE THE WHEREWITHAL AT ANYTIME IN OUR CHILDHOOD TO TAKE ROUTE 4 EAST TO DARTMOUTH COLLEGE AN HOUR AWAY FROM THE BACKWATER WE LIVE IN. NOT ONCE. IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL RIGHT THERE. MUSEUMS. THEATRE. LIBRARIES. SPORTING EVENTS. ALL AVAILABLE TO THE PUBLIC. FOR FREE OR AT A NOMINAL COST.

WE GET THERE · TO NORWICH · THEY HAVE LITTLE WEEKLY PAPER, THE NORWICH TIMES · SLUG LINE IS: “GOOD PEOPLE · GOOD PLACES · GOOD THINGS HAPPENING” · IN CASE YOU DIDN’T GET IT: “WE ARE GOOD.” EVERY FAMILY HAS TWO GOLDEN RETRIEVERS: VIRTUE AND SIGNAL!

THREE THOUSAND PEOPLE IN TOWN. I KID YOU NOT; MOSTLY OLYMPIANS. SPAIN · THE NATION · 46 MILLION PEOPLE TWO MEDAQLS IN WINTER SPORTS SINCE 1936. NORWICH HAS ELEVEN. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PRINCIPAL JUST GOT THE AWARD FOR BEST PRINCIPAL OF ALL SCHOOLS IN THE UNITED STATES!

NEW NEIGHBOR, DR. STEPHEN REMINGTON, CAN TELL I’M NO DOCTOR. FIRST WORDS: “ARE YOU AN MBA?”

I’M 23. NOT TOO PROUD TO ADMIT I AM SO COUNTRY-ASS I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT AN MBA IS. SO TO COVER MY IGNORANCE, I EXTEND MY HAND JUST SAY: “MARK. I’M IN ADVERTISING.”

NORWICH TIMES WEEKLY QUIZ OF NEW RESIDENTS. ALWAYS THE SAME QUESTIONS: “DESCRIBE NORWICH IN A WORD.” CORRECT ANSWER IS SOMETHING LIKE: “BEAUTIFUL OR GOOD.”

WHAT COULD NORWICH USE MORE OF? CORRECT ANSWER? “DIVERSITY” CODE FOR: MORE PEOPLE EXACTLY LIKE US BUT FOR SKIN COLOR.

THEY SEND ME THE QUIZ FOR PUBLICATION. TRUE STORY.

Q: WHAT DISNEY CHARACTER BEST DESCRIBES YOU?
A: DONALD DUCK BECAUSE I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

Q: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE?
A: “YOU CAN PICK YOUR FRIENDS. YOU CAN PICK YOUR NOSE. YOU CAN’T PICK YOUR FRIENDS NOSE.” ~GEORGE CARLIN

Q: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE GIRL’S NAME?
A: PLACENTA.

[RIMSHOT]

ALL THE ATTENTION ON HOLLYWOOD ACTRESSES, WHOLE THING STARTS WHEN FEDS ARE SQUEEZING ONE MORRIE TOBIN IN A PUMP AND DUMP CASE. THAT’S WHEN MORRIE RATS OUT RUDY MEREDITH, FOR 20 YEARS COACHES WOMEN’S SOCCER AT YALE.

[RUDY]

“GO TO GOAL!” VERY VERY INTENSE. VERY VERY COMPETITIVE.

DO YOU KNOW WHY PARENTS LOVE THE SAT? IT’S FOR THE SAME REASON PEOPLE LOVE SPORTS. IT’S ALL ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS AT THE END OF THE SAT? ALL ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS AT THE END OF THE GAME?

COME ON. WHAT HAPPENS?!

YOU GET A SCORE. AND PEOPLE ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT SCORE TELLS THEM SOMETHING IMPORTANT. A RESULT.

BUT LIFE IS IMPROV AND YALE COACH TURNED INFORMANT RUDY MEREDITH GIVES UP COACH RICK SINGER.

[SINGER]

THESE MYOPIC PRESCHOOL PARENTS · WANT VERY VERY INTENSE DOCTOR · VERY VERY INTENSE LAWYER · AN ENGINEER WHO GOES FOR THE GOAL · IN THEIR ZEAL TO HAVE IT THEIR WAY, THEY ARE ROBBING US OF THE NEXT GREAT FAST FOOD JINGLE!

I HAVE A FILE CABINET FULL OF AWARDS WHICH ARE USEFUL ONLY FOR SELLING TICKETS AND ATTRACTING REVIEWERS WHEN YOU’RE TOURING. PUBLIC SPEAKING AWARDS. STAND-UP AWARDS. SOLO SHOW AWARDS. WRITING AWARDS. LIFE IS IMPROV. THERE IS NO UNIVERSE IN WHICH I END UP SHARING THE COVER OF STORY MAGAZINE WITH DREW CAREY AND RUSSELL BRAND. BUT I’M LOOKING AT IT FRAMED ON THE CREDENZA RIGHT NOW. THIS IS IMPORTANT: WHAT EVERY ONE OF THESE AWARDS HAS IN COMMON IN THIS? ART IS NOT OBJECTIVE. ART SHOULD NEVER BE MEASURED. ART SHOULD NEVER BE SCORED, RANKED OR RATED. ART SHOULD BE PRACTICED. NO SUCH THING AS BEST ACTRESS. BEST PICTURE. BEST SINGER. FUNNIEST COMEDIAN. TOP 100 GUITAR PLAYERS. ALL BULLSHIT BECAUSE ART IS SUBJECTIVE; WHICH IS WHY THE SAT DOESN’T MEASURE IT.

FEDERAL CRIMINAL DEFENDANTS LORI LOUGHLIN AND FELICITY HUFFMAN.

[DEFENDANTS]

LIKE SHE’S THE FIRST PERSON TO HAVE A COLLEGE KID.

KNOW HOW YOU KNOW FELCITY HUFFMAN IS A FIRST TIME OFFENDER? WE KNOW BECAUSE FELICITY PAYS HER BRIBE TO SINGERS PHONY CHARITY WITH A CHECK AND THEN, SOMETHING I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER: SHE DEDUCTS IT ON HER TAX RETURN. SHE’S A CHISELER. PEOPLE REMEMBER THAT SHIT FOREVER!

ELLEN POMPEO LAST WEEK ON KIMMEL.

[POMPEO]

REMEMBER WHEN TIGERS WOODS LIFE BLEW UP · IN THE NEWS FOR MONTHS · ONE THING I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER · FRONT PAGE NEW YORK POST · ONE OF THE HOOKERS HE WAS FUCKING SAYS: “TIGER’S A LOUSY TIPPER.”

LARRY BIRD AND TIGER WOODS ARE CHEAP. FELICITY IS A CHISELER. ON MARCH 29TH, SHE SELF-REPORTS TO UNITED STATES FEDERAL DISTRICT COURT FOR THE DISTRICT OF MASSACHUSETTS FOR HER ARRAIGNMENT. SHE WILL WAIVE READING OF THE CHARGES AND PLEAD NOT GUILTY, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS AT AN ARRAIGNMENT.

ULTIMATELY FELICITY WILL PLEAD GUILTY BECAUSE NO LAWYER CAN PUT HER IN FRONT OF A JURY WHEN SHE DEDUCTED, WHAT WAS FOR HER, A SMALL AMOUNT OF MONEY, THEREBY SUBSIDIZING HER BRIBE WITH THE JURORS’ TAX MONEY.

MOM GETS THE TRAP DOOR.

THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT FELICITY’S HUSBAND, WILLIAM H. MACY IS CELEBRATING HIS 69TH BIRHTDAY. IF YOU WANNA’ GO TO THE PARTY, I KNOW SOMEBODY WHO CAN GET US IN!

[MUSIC: HAVE IT YOUR WAY]

SO MUCH PRETEND PRESSURE PARENTS PUT ON THEMSELVES AMAZING ANYONE HAS KIDS ANYMORE! COMEDIAN RYAN CONNOR LAST WEEK ON THE LATE LATE SHOW.

[CONNOR]

LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM · 100% LISTENER SUPPORTED · TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALLIZED · BE MY SIDEKICK · LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM TO KICK IN!

EMAIL MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM · MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM · FOR HOUSE ANNOUNCER SHADOE STEVENS AND MY GREAT HOUSE BAND “DEAD MAN FALL” KEEP BANGING!

LATE NITE LAST NITE AND LATE NITE LAST WEEK ARE PRODUCTIONS OF SIS BOOM BAA LLC.