20190322-Script

NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is the draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management
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LATE NITE LAST WEEK PRESENTS COLLEGE BRIBERY, ACT 2: THE KIDS?

IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY, GO LISTEN TO ACT 1: THE ADULTS. ACT 1 IS THE SHOW IMMEDIATELY PRECEDING THIS ONE, THIRTY-FIVE MINUTES, DATED MARCH 21ST.

ACT 3: THE LAW, WILL UPLOAD IN 24-48 HOURS.

THOSE OF YOU HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME, LATE NITE LAST WEEK IS 100% LISTENER SUPPORTED. NO ADVERTISING EVER. IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU HEAR TODAY, TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COMAND KICK IN TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED.

[0322 OPEN A]

A DOUBLE MAJOR OF RED BULL AND VODKA?

[JADE ON DRINKING]

DOESN’T SOUND LIKE RED BULL AND VODKA FROM HERE, BILL.

[LEGAL]

LEGAL · OLIVIA JADE LOUGHLIN TOURS HER PRIVATE LABEL SEPHORRA PALATE FOR HER ONE MILLION NINE HUNDRED FIFTY FOUR THOSAND EIGHT HUNDRED SIX YOUTUBE SUBSCRIBERS.

AS A PARENT YOU WANT WHAT’S BEST FOR YOUR KID.

WHY DOES ANYONE THINK THEY KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR SOMEBODY ELSE?

ACTRESS LORI LOUGHLIN THINKS SHE KNOWS WHAT’S BEST FOR HER DAUGHTER. TODAY, LORI IS AN ACCUSED FELON AND OLIVIA IS A DISGRACED, ADULT, PUBLIC FIGURE.

IS OLIVIA JADE AN OVER INDULGED, FRIVOLOUS, TOO STUPID FOR A DUMB JOCK, SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA FUCK-UP, OR IS SHE A DISCIPLINED AND THOROUGH, WAY YOUNGER VERSION OF LIFESTYLE ENTREPENEUR, MARTHA STEWART, HEARD HERE DEPARTING FEDERAL PRISON EXACTLY 15 YEARS AGO AT TWELVE THIRTY IN THE MORNING, MARCH 2004.

[MARTHA PACKAGE]

LEGAL · MAGIC · TWINKIE · TODAY’S SHOW IS DEDICATED TO PARENTS OF “FRICKIN’ WEIRD KIDS.” READING “WINNERS TAKE ALL” THE ELITE CHARADE OF CHANGING THE WORLD” BY FORMER NEW YORK TIMES COLUMNIS ANAND GEAR-DAH-DAS.

[ANAND 1]

ACT 1 OF THIS THREE PART SERIES WE TALKED ABOUT THE NORWICH VERMONT, A BEDROOM TINY BEDROOM COMMUNITY OF DARTMOUTH COLLEGE, STONE’S THROW ACROSS THE CONNECTICUT RIVER FROM IN HANOVER, NEW HAMPSHIRE. WE TALKED ABOUT THE WEEKLY PAPER “THE NORWICH TIMES” · WITH THE SLUG LINE “GOOD PEOPLE. GOOD PLACES. GOOD THINGS HAPPENING.”

[ANAND 2]

FLIPPING THROUGH THE FRONT PAGES OF SEVERAL ISSUES NOW. TOP OF THE FOLD: “GAP YEAR” KIDS · “GAP YEAR” · EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD WHITE KIDS TRAVEL OVERSEAS TO VISIT DIVERSITY · NOT FOR A YEAR · USUALLY TWO WEEKS · OTHER FIFTY WEEKS ARE SPENT “FINDING THEMSELVES” · BUT LIFE IS IMPROV AND FINDING ONESELF LASTS A LIFETIME.

UPON COMPLETION OF ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IN VERMONT, MY SONS ARE OFF TO MIDDLE SCHOOL IN HANOVER NEW HAMPSHIRE, POPULATION SEVEN THOUSAND. HANOVER’S ONLY A HALF MILE AWAY FROM NORWICH. BY ACT OF CONGRESS, IT’S AN INTERSTATE SCHOOL DISTRICT.

2007, HANOVER HIGH MAKES NATIONAL NEWS. NEW YORK TIMES. GOOD MORNING AMERICA. AND NPR, WHEN SEVERAL SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD STUDENTS BROKE INTO THE SCHOOL AND STOLE EXAMS.

[HANOVER]

NO GOOD THINGS HAPPENING HERE. JIM BLAMES THE CULTURE OF · YA’ KNOW · THE SCHOOL · BLAMES HIMSELF FOR · YA’ KNOW · WANTING THE BEST FOR HIS SON, WHO WAS ONE OF FOUR LOOKOUTS IN THIS WELL ORCHESTRATED CONSPIRACY.

MAKE NO MISTAKE. NORWICH AND HANOVER PARENTS ARE OUTRAGED. NOT AT THE ACCUSED STUDENTS. BUT, RATHER, AT THE PRINCIPAL FOR CONTACTING THE POLICE.

SOME OF THE KIDS ARE 17 AND CAN BE CHARGED AS ADULTS. AND WHAT WE HAVE HERE ARE GOOD KIDS FROM A GOOD PLACE.

[OLIVER 1]

OLIVER GRANTS HIMSELF A LICENSE TO GO AFTER OLIVIA, SO HE DOESN’T GET PILED ON FOR PILING ON.

[OLIVER 2]

THERE IS A LOT TO TAKE INTO ACCOUNT! LIKE THAT FACT THAT JOHN OLIVER AND BILL MAHER ARE OLDER, UGLIER VERSIONS OF OLIVIA JADE WITH DICKS. THREE PEOPLE WITH THEIR OWN SHOWS!

BUT BILL AND JOHN ARE LONGTIME TEAM PLAYERS. THE PUBLIC REPRESENTATIVES OF A HUNDRED OFF CAMERA EMPLOYEES WHO PULL THEIR WEEKLY HBO SHOWS TOGETHER.

OLIVIA JADE PRODUCES TWO SHOWS A WEEK BY HERSELF.

A TEN MINUTE VIDEO OF THE SORT SHE PRODUCES TAKES AN HOUR PER MINUTE MINIMUM. SHE DOES ALL OF HER OWN PRE AND POST-PRODUCTION. HUNDREDS OF EXECUTIVE DECISIONS DO INTO EVERY VIDEO.

LISTEN TO THE MIX ON THIS SHORT CLIP. VOICE OVER MUSIC. BUT SHE CUTS AND RESTARTS THE MUSIC. PERFECTLY TIMED FOR MAXIMUM EFFECT. SHE’S BEEN DOING THIS SINCE SHE WAS FOURTEEN. FIVE YEARS AND TWO MILLION SUBSCRIBERS LATER, SHE GETS THE CALL FROM SEPHORRA.

[OLIVIA 1]

OLIVIA JADE IS A STAR. DOESN’T NEED COLLEGE. DOESN’T BELONG IN COLLEGE. BUT MOM IS HAVING NONE OF IT.

[LORI 1]

“I REALLY WANT THAT FOR THEM.”

“I WANT THAT FOR THEM.”

THEREIN LIES THE TRUTH!

MY YOUNGEST IS 32 AND IS FRICKIN WEIRD IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY. LIKE MYSELF, DID NOT ATTEND COLLEGE. UNLIKE ME HE IS AUTISTIC. DURING ONE FOUR YEAR PERIOD IN HIS EARLY TWENTIES, HE GREW HIS AMAZON BUSINESS FROM FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS ANNUALLY TO FOURTEEN MILLION. WITH NO DEBT AND NO PARTNERS.

MY OLDEST IS 34. AT HANOVER HIGH ONLY KID WITH WINTER STUDS IN HIS BIKE TIRES, FOR THE ICY, SNOWY SIDEWALKS. TODAY HE LIVES IN L.A. FIVE DAYS A WEEK PEDDLES FROM KOREATOWN TO HIS OFFICE IN VENICE BEACH. TWENTY FIVE MILES ROUND TRIP IN RUSH HOUR. WINTER RIDE HOME IS DARK. ALREADY HAD THREE BAD FALLS. ONE DAMN NEAR KILLED HIM. RODS IN HIS SHOULDER. FOOT HAD TO BE REBUILT. WALKS WITH A LIMP.

WOULD NOT SURPRISE ME TO ONE DAY GET THE CALL: “MR. WHITNEY. IT’S ABOUT YOUR SON.”

AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL, BEING A PARENT MEANS YOU NEED TO BE WILLING TO LOSE YOUR KID. THEY DO NOT ASK TO BE BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD, WHICH IS WHY WE OWE THEM THAT FREEDOM.

BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, AS WE LEARNED IN ACT ONE, THE MODEL IS JUST THE OPPOSITE.

[YALE]

TEAM PLAYERS AT YALE. BEEN PLAYING SOCCER SINCE THEY WERE WERE FIVE.

SINCE WE’RE TALKING ABOUT ENTERTAINERS, DISNEY’S PUCHASE OF FOX HAS BEEN COMPLETED. FURIOUSLY LAYING OFF TEAM PLAYERS.

WHO IS MORE LIKELY TO BE THE VICTIM OF A FUTURE LAYOFF? OLIVIA JADE WHO HAS BEEN COACHING HERSELF SINCE SHE WAS FOURTEEN TO THE TUNE OF TWO MILLION CONSUMER RELATIONSHIPS AND MULTIPLE CORPORATE DEALS, OR THE FORMER SOCCER PLAYERS, WITH THEIR DIPLOMA FROM AN EMPLOYEE FACTORY, AND A SINGLE CORPORATE DEAL WITH THEIR EMPLOYER?

THE PAYOFF TO GETTING OUT OF THE WAY WHILE STILL BEING AVAILABLE, IS THE FRIENDSHIP YOU GET TO ENJOY WITH YOUR ADULT SONS AND DAUGHTERS. PAUL PELL LAST WEEK WITH SETH MEYERS.

[PELL]

POP-UP BUSINESS SCHOOL, RECENTLY FEATURED ON PBS NEWSHOUR · TEACHES ADULTS HOW TO LAUNCH A START-UP WITH NO DEBT. REASON YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF THEM IS THAT VIDEO WHEREIN THEY STATE: “IF YOU DON’T HAVE ATTENTION, YOU DON’T HAVE ANYTHING” · 247 VIEWS.

[JADE WORKS]

OLIVIA JADE DIDN’T NEED A GAP YEAR TO FIND HERSELF AT FOURTEEN. SHE’S TOO BUSY DEVELOPING HER COMPANY TO SEATL EXAMS AT SEVENTEEN. AND AT EIGHTEEN SHE’S SIGNING CONTTRACTS WITH TRESEMME AND SEPHORRA.

MARTHA STEWART OVERCAME THE STIGMA AND SHE’S A FELON. OLIVIA JADE IS GUILTY OF NOTHING. SO, I WOULDN’T BET AGAINST HER.

[CALLBACK]

LORI LOUGHLIN IS CHARGED WITH FRAUD, WHICH IS PRETTY GOOD FOR A MOTHER WHO KILLED YOUR DAUGHTER’S BABY!

[THEME UP]

IN THE THIRD AND FINAL ACT OF THIS SOMEWHAT MINI-SERIES, WHAT DOES JUSTICE DEMAND?

THAT SHOW WILL APPEAR IN YOUR FEED WITHIN 24-48 HOURS AND WE’LL RETURN TO REGULAR PROGRAMMING MIDWEEK AFTER I CATCH UP ON MY EDITING!

TO REACH OUT MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM. TO SUPPORT, SUBSCRIBE AND SHARE THE SHOW, GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM.

ON BEHALF OF CONTRIBUTING EDITOR CHARLES PATRICK, WHO PRODUCED AND PERFORMS THE FULL HOUSE PARODY, AND, AS ALWAYS, ON BEHALF OF MY ICONIC HOUSE ANNOUNCER SHADOE STEVENS AND MY SOON TO BE ICONIC HOUSE BAND, DEAD MAN FALL, KEEP BANGING!

LATE NITE LAST WEEK AND LATE NITE LAST NITE ARE PRODUCTIONS OF SIS BOOM BAA LLC.