20190323-Script

NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is the draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management
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LATE NITE LAST WEEK PRESENTS COLLEGE BRIBERY A, ACT 3: THE LAW. IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY, GO LISTEN TO ACT 1: THE ADULTS, FOLLOWED BY ACT 2: THE KIDS, DATED MARCH 21ST AND 22ND, RESPECTIVELY.

THOSE OF YOU HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME, LATE NITE LAST WEEK IS 100% LISTENER SUPPORTED. NO ADVERTISING EVER. IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU HEAR TO DAY, GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOR COM AND KICK IN TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED.

[OPEN A]

LORI LOUGHLIN SEEMS SUPER NICE WHEN SHE’S NOT LAUNDERING BRIBES THROUGH THE TUTOR.

[OPEN B]

BILL MAHER WITH A LOW BLOW LAST NIGHT ON REAL TIME. OLIVIA JADE IS NOT PART OF HER PARENTS CASE! THAT THIS NEEDS TO BE SAID SPEAKS TO THE POLITICAL CLIMATE OF THE MOMENT WHERE FEDERAL PROSECUTORS ARE SOMETHING AKIN TO RELIGIOUS FIGURES.

WHEN THE SO-CALLED ‘NOTORIOUS NINE’ CONSPIRE TO BREAK INTO HANOVER HIGH SCHOOL, HOMES, BEDROOMS AND COMPUTERS ARE SEARCHED. BUT THE SEARCHING DOESN’T STOP THERE.

[SOULS]

WHEN MY SONS WERE LITTLE BOYS I USED TO READ THEM THIS POEM WHICH ENCOURAGES SOUL-SEARCHING. QUOTE: “IF YOU CAN DREAM AND NOT MAKE DREAMS YOU MASTER; IF YOU CAN THINK AND NOT MAKE THOUGHTS YOUR AIM; IF YOU AN MEET WITH TRIUMPH AND DISASTER AND TREAT THOSE TWO IMPOSTERS JUST THE SAME.”

SO LET’S DO A LITTLE SOUL SEARCHING OF OUR OWN, OR IN THE VERNACULAR OF THE DAY, “A CLIMATE REVIEW.”

2019 WE DON’T LIKE JUDGES…

[MANAFORT 1]

…BUT WE LOVE PILING ON…

[MANAFORT 2]

…AND PILING ON.

[MANAFORT]

GOOD JOKE · UNLESS YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT JOE BIDEN AND TED KENNEDY CO-SPONSORED LEGISLATION SIGNED BY REAGAN THAT ABOLISHED PAROLE IN 1987.

RONALD S. SULLIVAN JR IS ONE OF THE MOST PROMINENT CRIMINAL DEFENSE LAWYERS IN THE UNITED STATES. HE HAS LARGELY BUILT A CAREER OVERTURNING WRONGFUL CONVICTIONS, AND HE DESIGNED AN INDIGENT DEFENSE SYSTEM IN NEW ORLEANS AFTER HURRICANE KATRINA THAT RESULTED IN THE EXONERATION OF SIX THOUSAND OF YOUR FELLOW CITIZENS FALSELY CONVICTED OF CRIMES.

RONALD SULLIVAN ON REASONABLE DOUBT.

[SULLIVAN]

WE REALLY DON’T LIKE CRIMINAL DEFENSE LAWYERS. WE CERTAINLY DO NOT LIKE REASONABLE DOUBT.

AS I SPEAK, THE MUELLER INVESTIGATION HAS CONCLUDED.

MILLIONS OF THE RIGHT PEOPLE WITH THE RIGHT OPINIONS, MANY OF THEM WITH IVY LEAGUE EDUCATIONS, MANY OF THEM WITH WAY MORE INFLUENCE THAN OLIVIA JADE, ALL READY TO BLITHELY ACCEPT MEULLER’S UNTESTED ALLEGATIONS AS GOSPEL. TODAY THEY’RE LOOKING TO CHANGE THEIR MIND.

WHEN HARVEY WEINSTEIN WAS MAKING CRIMINAL HEADLINES, COMMITTED LISTENERS WILL RECALL HE HIRED BENJAMIN BRAFMAN. THREE MINUTES.

[BRAFMAN]

NOTWITHSTANDING THE LAW, IN THE UNITED STATES THE ACCUSED IS PRESUMED GUILTY · WHICH IS WHY WE NEED THE BRAFMANS AND SULLIVANS OF THE WORLD TO JOLT JURORS BACK TO CONSTITUTIONAL REALITY.

ICONIC PLAYWRIGHT, DAVID MAMET SAYS HIS LONGTIME FRIEND LORI LOUGHLIN IS A GOOD MOTHER WHO SCREWED UP.

SAME WITH THOSE HANOVER KIDS. GOOD KIDS WHO SCREWED UP.

SAME WITH TERUN MOORE. WHO? TERUN MOORE? ALSO SEVENTEEN AT THE TIME. YOUNG TERUN DIDN’T PLAN NUTHIN’!

[TERUN]

WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME.

ANY ONE OF THOSE HANOVER NEW HAMPSHIRE PARENTS WOULD HAVE HAPPILY RETAINED BENJAMIN BRAFMAN OR RONALD SULLIVAN, BECAUSE IF YOU HAVE A 17 YEAR OLD IN GRAFTON COUNTY, NEW HAMPSHIRE IN 2007, THAT SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD COMMITS A FELONY, THAT SEVENTEEN YEAR CAN BE CHARGED AS AN ADULT.

UP TO THE PROSECUTOR. AND IN MOST COUNTIES, HEAD PROSECUTOR IS ELECTED.

1998, HINDS COUNTY, MISSISSIPPI, NOBODY RALLIES FOR TERUN MOORE, WHO IS CHARGED AS AN ADULT AND GETS LIFE WITHOUT PAROLE.

BY STARK CONTRAST, HANOVER RESIDENTS CIRCLE THE WAGONS. PRESS DESCENDS ON THE TOWN SOME STUDENTS RESPOND BY THROWING BOTTLES LIKE A TRUMP RALLY.

IN FACT, ENOUGH ADULTS RALLY THAT ULTIMATELY NOBODY IS CHARGED WITH A FELONY FOR THAT CAREFULLY ORCHSTRATED CRIMINAL CONSPIRACY.

WHICH BRINGS US BACK TO THE ISSUE OF WHO SHOULD AND WHO SHOULD NOT BE ADMITTED TO ELITE UNIVERSITIES, BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT HARVARD, OF ALL PLACES, HARVARD UNIVERSITY, HAS BEEN ADMITTING STUDENTS WHO BELIEVE THE BILL OF RIGHTS APPLIES TO SOME CITIZENS, NOT OTHERS. WHICH IS WEIRD BECAUSE I’M PRETTY SURE THE SAT TESTS FOR THAT!!!

[RIMSHOT]

WHEN BENJAMIN BRAFMAN RESIGNS AS HARVEY WEINSTEIN’S ATTORNEY, WEINSTEIN RETAINS ATTORNEY — AND HARVARD PROFESSOR — RONALD SULLIVAN.

SULLIVAN’S THIRD HAT IS FACULTY DEAN OF A CAMPUS HOUSING UNIT WHERE SOME STUDENTS · NO DOUBT FRESH OFF A GAP YEAR AND SPORTING A SELFIE POSING IN THE JUNGLE NEXT TO SOME GUY WITH A BONE IN HIS NOSE · SOME STUDENTS ARE TRIGGERED BY SULLIVAN’S REPRESENTATION OF WEINSTEIN, HARVARD IS CONDUCTED A — WAIT FOR IT — CLIMATE REVIEW — ACTUALLY WANT SULLIVAN TO BE REMOVED – LIKE WHEN GUIDO GOES: “WANT ME TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH HIM, BOSS?”

IRSHAD MANJI LAST NIGHT WITH BILL MAHER.

[MANJI PACKAGE]

HAVE IT YOUR WAY INDEED · MY BUDDY BOBBY GOSH FROM 1974 · THERE IS NO LIGHT BETWEEN THE LANGUAGE OF MONEY. THE LANGUAGE OF POLITICS. THE LANGUAGE OF COMEDY. THE LANGUAGE OF THE JUSTICE. IT’S ABOUT PEOPLE. IT’S ABOUT US. IT’S ABOUT CHOICES WE ALL MAKE.

IS IT ANY WONDER THESE STUDENTS ARE HYPERVIGILANT WHEN SINCE THE INFANT PROGRAM MOM GETS A TEXT EVERYTIME THEY SHIT THEMSELVES!

THE LAST VOICE YOU HEAR TODAY WILL NOT BE MINE. IT WILL BE COLLEGE COACH TURNED MONEY LAUNDERER RICK SINGER. TO GET US THERE? THEN 75 YEAR OLD BOBBY GOSH, AT THE BROOKFIELD VERMONT CONCERT HALL IN 2011.