20190401-Script

NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is the draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management
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STORMY DANIELS FORMER ATTORNEY MICHAEL AVENATTI · IMAGINE BEING STORMY’S MOUTHPIECE · FULL TIME JOB RIGHT THERE!

[RIMSHOT/SFX:GARGLING]

LOTTA GARGLING INVOLVED [SFX] WITH BLEACH [SFX] BUT [SFX] THAT’S NOT WHY I CALLED!

[RIMSHOT]

LAYING THIS DOWN ON APRIL FOOL’S DAY · SO WHAT BETTER TIME FOR A MICHAEL AVENATTI SHOW · CLEARLY NOT A FOOL · BUT I HAVE QUESTION · WHICH WE’LL GET TO SHORTLY · NAGGING ME · MAYBE YOU CAN EXPLAIN IT · APRIL FIRST · SO-CALLED “RUSSIA INVESTIGATION” IS OVER · TAKES TWO YEARS · BENCHMARK · LIKE AVENATTI · SPRING CLEANING · OUT WITH THE OLD · IN WITH THE NEW · HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME · RECENTLY PRODUCED MY FIRST MINI-SERIES · “ADMISSIONS IMPOSSIBLE” · DEEP DIVE IN TO THE COLLEGE BRIBERY SCANDAL · DIRECTLY BENEATH THIS EPISODE · LISTEN TO IT IN BITE-SIZED CHUNKS · ACTS ONE TWO AND THREE ARE POSTED SEPARATELY · OR YOU CAN LISTEN TO THE ENTIRE NINETY MINUTES IN ONE SHOT · LATE NITE LAST WEEK IS 100% LISTENER SUPPORTED SO IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU HEAR TODAY, GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM TO KICK IN TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED. NO ADVERTISING EVER. THAT’S THE CONTRACT.

IF YOU’RE MICHAEL AVENATTI · FROM NOVEMBER 15TH TO LAST WEEK YOU’RE MAKING HEADLINES FOR BANK FRAUD, WIRE FRAUD, EXTORTION, AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE · YOU MIGHT NEED A CLASS TO MANAGE YOUR FRUSTRATION AND ANGER. ALEC BALDWIN.

[ALEC/HS]

RECORD DEEPNESS · SO MUCH DEEPNESS · AVENATTI AND MUELLER · I DON’T KNOW IF CABLE NEWS IS ENTERTAINMENT POSING AS NEWS OR IF LATE NITE LAST WEEK IS NEWS POSING AS ENTERTAINMENT · BUT I KNOW THIS · NOBODY HAS TOLD THE STORY OF THE MUELLER INVESTIGATION TO MY SATISFACTION · NOT EVEN CLOSE · SO HERE’S WHAT WE’RE GOING TO DO · I’M GOING TO FINISH THIS SHOW, GET THIS AVENATTI CONFIDENCE MAN OUT OF MY HAIR, THEN DISAPPEAR FOR A WEEK AND PRODUCE ANOTHER THREE PART MINI-SERIES · WORKING TITLE FOR WHICH IS · MEULLER v. PRESIDENT RICKLES: WHY LATE NIGHT NEVER GOT THE JOKE · SOMETHING LIKE THAT · THREE SHOWS · ONE EVERY 48 HOURS · BEGINNING MONDAY APRIL 8TH · TUESDAY AT THE LATEST · HERE’S A SNEAK PREVIEW.

[MAHER]

NOBODY GETS IT. HENCE THE NEED FOR A DEEP DIVE!

BUT FOR NOW IT’S TIME TO RAISE THE CURTAIN ON MY SOMEWHAT GUESTS, MY UNWITTING CONTESTANTS, MY SOMEWHAT GUESTS ALL UNWITTINGLY COMPETING FOR THE SOON TO BE COVETTED SIS BOOM BAA AWARD FOR JOKE OF THE WEEK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, DEMOCRATS AND CHRISTIANS, PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR AMERICA’S RETINUE OF LATE NIGHT RACONTEURS BEGINNING WITH…

[HSTS-WHITNEY]

THANK YOU SHADOE!

“I THINK IT BECAUSE I KNOW IT.”

BILL MAHER BUYS THE ENTIRE ACT · AUDIENCE IS ON IT’S FEET · THROUGHOUT 2018, AS COMMITTED LISTENERS KNOW, TWO RESPONSES TO THIS STORY: TRUMP PAYS HER · PUTS THE MONEY IN HER 401KY

[RIMSHOT]

THAT’S RIGHT · 401KY · WORTH TWENTY CENTS A SHOW RIGHT THERE · CASHES THE CHECKS. WHERE’S THE PROBLEM? CAMPAIGN FINANCE VIOLATIONS ASIDE. THE CASE IS NOT FEC v DONALD TRUMP, IT’S PORNSTAR v PRESIDENT PORNSTAR. FUCKS HER, THEY TALK ABOUT SHARK WEEK, KNOWS HE’S GOING TO LOSE, PAYS STORMY TO HIDE THE AFFAIR FROM MELANIA. EVERYBODY’S HAPPY.

THEN HE WINS AND STORMY’S NOT HAPPY BECAUSE SHE SIGNED THE NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT AND NOW SHE WANTS TO UNRING THE BELL.

AVENATTI SUES FOR DEFAMATION. WHOLE TIME I’M LIKE: “HOW DO TAKE DOWN A PRESIDENT FOR DEFAMING A PORNSTAR? MORE SPECIFICALLY, HOW DO YOU DEFAME A PORNSTAR?”

[DEFAMATION]

I’M GOING TO DEPOSE THE PRESIDENT. PRESIDENT WILL NOT COMPLETE HIS TERM. PRESIDENT WILL RESIGN. I THINK IT BECAUSE I KNOW IT. CROWD GOES WILD FOR THIS HUMANIZER OF PORN STARS.

BUT THEN IT’S NOT SO MUCH CHICKENS · BUT CHICKENSHIT THAT’S COMES HOME TO ROOST. AND WHEN I SAY CHICKENSHIT I MEAN DONALD TRUMP JUNIOR LAST WEEK AT A KLAN RALLY IN MICHIGAN.

[SDNY]

THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CASE? DISMISED. THE NIKE SHAKEDOWN CASE? POTENTIALLY WINNABLE. THE PROBLEM IS THIS CASE FILED IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT FOR THE CENTRAL DISTRICT OF CALIFORNIA IN LOS ANGELES.

[CDCA]

2014 · AVENATTI GOES TO THE BANK · THAT WAY IT’S A FEDERAL CRIME · APPLIES FOR A LOAN · GIVES THE BANK PREVIOUS THREE YEARS TAX RETURNS 2011, 2012, 2013 · FINE EXCEPT FOR THREE SMALL DETAILS · HE NEVER FILED RETURNS THOSE YEARS · AND HE OWES IRS $850,000. THAT’S THE BANK FRAUD. THE CRIME IS PROVIDING THE FALSE DOCUMENTS. WHICH HE DID. IT’S NOT A DEFENSE THAT THE BANK DIDN’T CHECK WITH IRS. HE INFECTED THE RECORDS OF A BANK INSURED BY THE FEDERAL DEPOSIT INSURANCE CORPORATION. THERE IS NO DEFENSE. IT’S A CLASS B FELONY. UP TO THIRTY YEARS. THAT’S THE BANK FRAUD.

THE WIRE FRAUD IS HE CONVERTED A $1.6M SETTLEMT FOR HIS OWN USE, LOANING PARTS OF IT TO HIS CLIENT WHO IS STILL WAITING FOR THE SETTLEMENT.

FIRST YEAR FEDERAL PROSECUTOR WILL JUST LAY THESE DOCUMENTS DOWN FOR THE JURY LIKE A DEALER IN VEGAS.

GUILTY.

AVENATTI WILL BE IN FEDERAL PRISON IN TAFTSVILLE CALIFORNIA BY SEPTEMBER.

WHY DO I THINK THAT?

I THINK THAT BECAUSE I KNOW IT.

[RIMSHOT]

MEANWHILE, HOW DID STORMY’S DEFAMATION LITIGATION WORK OUT?

[HORSEFACE]

COMES TO PRESIDENTS AND PORNSTARS YOU CAN CALL THEM PRETTY MUCH WHAT YOU WANT: LIAR. TREASONOUS. HORSEFACE. PART OF BEING A PUBLIC PERSON.

HARVARD LAW PROFESSOR ALAN DERSHOWITZ.

[MUSIC/CONMAN]

AND YOU SIR ARE NOT. WHICH IS WHY TODAY, YOUR CLIENT, STORMY DANIELS, OWES PRESIDENT RICKLES $300,000. GREAT WORK!

[MUSIC UP]

401KY · STAND-UP COMIC OF THE WEEK JAMES VIETCH VERY PATIENT TIGHT FIVE LAST WEEK WITH FALLON · THEN WE HAND OUT THE AWARDS!

[VIETCH/AWDS]

POTW: RU/MC; W/BM

SBB JOTW: MC

[MUSIC/AVENATTI]

YOU SHOULD BE · PREDICTION JUST THE AIRTIGHT CALIFORNIA CASE · THREE YEARS IN PRISON · THREE YEARS SUPERVISED RELEASE · SEVEN FIGURE FINE · $100 SPECIAL ASSESSMENT · LIFETIME BAN FROM THE PRACTICE OF LAW AS WELL AS THE OTHER 200 CALIFORNIA OCCUPATIONS REQUIRING A LICENSE · GIVES ME NO PLEASURE TO SAY THAT · BUT YOU’RE THE LEGAL EAGLE · WHEN YOU GET OUT IN 2022. MAYBE — WHAT DID YOU CALL THEM — OH YES — MAYBE THE FINE PEOPLE OF THE GREAT STATE OF IOWA WILL TAKE YOU IN. OR PERHAPS, THE WOMEN OF THE VIEW!

[CUTE CALLBACK]

JULIA LOUIS DREYFUS LAST WEEK WITH FALLON.

[JLD]

NO MAPLE SYRUP IN JAIL.

WE WILL SEE YOU APRIL 8TH WITH THE ULTIMATE TELLING OF RUSSIA, RUSSIA, RUSSIA. AT WHICH POINT SPRIN CLEANING WILL BE COMPLETE.

TO REACH OUT, MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM · FOR HOUSE ANNOUNCER SHADOE STEVENS AND MY GREAT HOUSE BAND “DEAD MAN FALL” KEEP BANGING!

LATE NITE LAST WEEK IS A PRODUCTION OF SIS BOOM BAA LLC.