20190408-Script

NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is the draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management
—————————

[OPEN A]

SO · BREAKING NEWS · PRESIDENT PORNSTAR · NOT A MASTERMIND · COMMITTED LISTENERS MAY RECALL LAST YEAR · JUNE AND JANUARY · “MORON OR MASTERMIND” EPISODES · BECAUSE CABLE NEWS HISTRIONICS ASIDE, ASIDE, A PRESIDENT CANNOT BE AT ONCE A MORON AND A MASTERMIND!

AND YES THE FULL BACK-FILES OF THE SHOW WILL BE RESTORED BY THE END OF APRIL · AT WHICH POINT THE NEW WEBSITE WILL BE COMPLETED. BUT THAT’S NOT WHY I CALLED!

THE ORANGES OF THE INVESTIGATION · ORANGES · THAT’S THE TRUMPHEIMER’S DISEASE TAKING KICKING IN!

SPEAKING OF KICKING IN LATE NITE LAST WEEK IS 100% LISTENER SUPPORTED. NO ADVERTISING EVER. IF YA’ LIKE WHAT YOU HERE TODAY GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM BE MY SIDEKICK AND KICK IN TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED!

DIFFERENCE HERE IS WE ARE NOT TRYING TO WIN AN ELECTION · SO WE ARE CONFLICT-FREE · CONFLICT FREE DOES NOT MEAN FREE OF BIAS · EQUAL PROTECTION OF THE LAW IS THE FILTER · CONFLICT-FREE, NOT TRYING TO WIN AN ELECTION · PROPOSITIONS THAT WILL INCREASE IN VALUE AND REDOUND TO YOU THE LISTENER THE CLOSER WE GET TO “AMERICA PICKS A ROOMMATE 2020!”

IF YOU’RE HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME WELCOME · HAD YOU DISCOVERED THE SHOW SOONER · YOU WOULD ALREADY BE A COMMITTED LISTENER AND YOU WOULD ALREADY KNOW THAT THE ORANGES OF THE INVESTIGATION HAVE A LATE NIGHT HOOK AND BY THAT I MEAN FORMER SNL WEEKEND UPDATE ANCHOR AL FRANKEN TWO YEARS AGO DEPOSING THEN ATTORNEY GENERAL JEFF BEAUREGARD SESSIONS.

[FRANKEN/SESSIONS]

THE GENIUS JEFF SESSIONS ANSWERS QUESTIONS NOBODY ASKED, DOJ SECOND BANANA ROD ROSENSTEIN · NO FRIEND OF PRESIDENT RICKLES · APPOINTS SPECIAL PROSECUTOR AND FORMER FBI DIRECTOR ROBERT MUELLER AND WE’RE OFF TO THE RACES!

BUT, LATE NITE LAST WEEK NEVER TOOK THE RUSSIA BAIT DID WE?

NOT A TRUMP SUPPORTER, BUT I APPRECIATE TALEN. NOT A TRUMP SUPPORTER. BUT I LIKE A GOOD SHOW. NOT A TRUMP SUPPORTER, BUT THAT DOESN’T MAKE IT ANY LESS HILARIOUS THAT FOR TWO YEARS MILLIONS OF PEOPLE, EGGED ON BY EVERY LATE NIGHT HOST, ARE LIKE: “TRUMP IS A PUTIN PUPPET AND THAT MAKES ME ANGRY.”

MANY OF THOSE SAME HOSTS ARE LIKE: “TRUMP IS NOT A PUTIN PUPPET AND THAT MAKES ME ANGRY!”

PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ENCOURAGED TO BELIEVE THAT A SHITTING PRESIDENT OF THESE HERE UNITED STATES STATES IS GOING TO HAULED OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE IN CUFFS.

BUT THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS. AND I BY THE END OF TODAY’S SHOW, AS MY FELLOW CITIZEN, I WANT TWO THINGS FOR YOU: ONE, I WANT YOU TO ACTUALLY BE HAPPY AND RELIEVED IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY..

AND, TWO, I DON’T WANT YOU TO BE AMONG THOSE WHO HAVE LITERALLY BEEN DRIVEN CRAZY · INCLUDING THE LATEST DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE CONGRESSMAN TIM RYAN. MIND YOU THIS IS LAST WEEK. AND BY THAT I MEAN POST MUELLER INVESTIGATION.

[RYAN/CHELSEA]

RICKLE’S ELECTION LITERALLY PUT CHELSEA HANDLER AND MANY OTHERS INTO THERAPY. AND IS IT ANY WONDER? CONSIDER THE MENTAL HEALTH IMPACT IF YOUR BUBBLE HAPPENS TO INCLUDE DAILY VISITS BY JUDGE JEANNINE PIRRO FROM FOX OR KEITH OLBERMANN FROM THE RESISTANCE?

[PIRRO/KEITH]

THE WORLD ENDS TOMORROW SO SUBSCRIBE TODAY!!!

[RIMSHOT]

CALL NOW AND WE’LL DOUBLE THE LEXIPRO!

[RIMSHOT]

I’M ALL ABOUT RESISTANCE. BEEN RESISTING FOR 25 YEARS. ONLY CITIZEN TO INDIVIDUALLY SUE THE UNITED STATES TO END THE PARTICIPATION BY UNITED STATES ARMED FORCES IN THE LIBYAN CIVIL WAR.

GOOGLE WHITNEY v. OBAMA.

THAT NINE MONTH LITIGATION I LEARNED HOW HARD IT IS TO LAY AN GLOVE ON THE PERSON WHO HAPPENS TO BE THE PRESIDENT.

PREVIOUS SHOW I PROMISED A MUELLER MINI-SERIES · TURNS OUT IT’S JUST GOING TO BE THE ONE SHOW · WE WILL STILL HAVE THREE SHOWS THIS WEEK BECAUSE FOX NEWS SAYS TRUMP IS AT WAR WITH ALL THREE MEXICOES · GOT JOE BIDEN WHO THE OTHER DAY JOKED ABOUT TOUCHING CHILDREN · AFTER MAKING A VIDEO THAT SAYS HE GETS IT · GOT THAT ROGUE BERNIE SANDERS IN THE POCKET OF BIG POVERTY, THE RISE OF PETE BUTTIGIEG, WHO PEOPLE SAY ISN’T GAY ENOUGH · ACTUALLY A NARRATIVE OUT THERE RIGHT NOW THAT THE DEMOCRATS AT THE TOP OF THE POLLS ARE JUST THREE MORE WHITE GUYS · NO DIVERSITY · WHICH WOULD BE TRUE BUTT FOR THE FACT BUTTIGIEG IS GAY AND BERNIE IS A JEW · IF BERNIE AND BUTTIGIEG WERE PRESIDENT AND VICE PRESIDENT · TWO TOP OFFICES HELD BY A JEW AND AN LGBT · LOTTA PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE: “WHITE GUYS.”

NARROW MINDS.

IT WOULD BE GREAT FOR THE SHOW IF SOME MORE PARENTS WOULD BRIBE THEIR KIDS INTO COLLEGE.

HEAR ABOUT THE HARVARD FENCING COACH WHO FENCES HIS HOUSE. FOR REAL. BOSTON GLOBE · SELLS HIS HOUSE TO THE FENCING COACH FOR FOUR HUNDRED GRAND MORE THAN IT’S WORTH. NO HIS KID GOES TO HARVARD.

NEW TO THE SHOW SCROLL DOWN YOUR TIMELINE AND LISTEN TO “ADMISSIONS IMPOSSIBLE MINI-SERIES” OR GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM AND FROM THE MAIN NAVIGATION MENU CLICK “SERIES” AND IT WILL FALL RIGHT OUT!

PROBLEM WITH MY IDEA FOR MUELLER THE MINI-SERIES? THE STORY IS IT’S NOT A STORY. BIGGEST NON-STORY EVER. NO STORY ARC. NOTHING HAPPENS. NOTHING’S GOING TO HAPPEN. BUT THERE IS SOMETHING SUPER IMPORTANT I AM GOING TO REVEAL ABOUT THE MUELLER REPORT · 100% TRUE · EVEN THOUGH NOBODY’S READ IT · STILL A REVEAL BECAUSE NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT IT · HUGE REVEAL THAT WILL EXPOSE A CERTAIN LINE OF BULLSHIT BEFORE IT STARTS, WHILE ALSO PROVIDING A REMEDY TO SAID BULLSHIT.

YOU WILL BE GLAD YOU LISTENED! SO STICK AROUND BECAUSE THAT MONOLOGUE TOGETHER WITH GUESTS OF THE WEEK STEVE MARTIN AND NATE BARGATZE JUST TEN MINUTES AWAY · FIRST GOTTA’ PULLBACK THE CURTAIN ON MY SOMEWHAT GUESTS, ALL UNWITTINGLY VYING FOR THE SOON TO BE COVETED SIS BOOM BAA AWARD FOR JOKE OF THE WEEK, YOU KNOW THEM YOU LOVE THEM PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR AMERICA’S PROCESSION OF LATE NIGHT POLITICAL PUNSTERS…

[AWDS/WHITNEY]

THANK YOU, SHADOE!

THE ORANGES OF MUELLER’S INVESTGATION? OFFICIAL DOCUMENT RIGHT HERE IN MY HOT LITTLE HANDS · ORDER NO 3915-2017 · ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL ROD ROSENSTEIN · INVESTIGATE ANY LINKS AND/OR COORDINATION BETWEEN THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT AND INDIVIDUALS ASSOCIATED WITH THE CAMPAIGN OF PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP AND ANY MATTER THAT AROSE OR MAY ARISE FROM THE INVESTIGATION. DATED MARCH 71, 2017.

THAT’S THE ORANGES. BUT COMMITTED LISTENERS KNOW WE ALSO HAVE THE 2016 DANA CARVEY ACT.

[CARVEY]

WE HAVE JAMES COMEY CONGRESSIONAL TESTIMONY UNDER OATH MAY 20TH 2017.

[COMEY]

PUTIN WAS NEVER AND HAS NEVER BEEN PRO-TRUMP.

IF YOU’RE TRYING TO WIN AN ELECTION YOU IGNORE COMEY.

PROBLEM WITH IGNORING COMEY IS YOU HAVE TO ALSO IGNORE HILLARY WHO SAID THE SAME THING TO CONGRESS ALSO UNDER OATH.

[HILLARY]

PUTIN WAS NEVER PRO TRUMP. HE WAS ANYONE BUT HILLARY.

SO YOU IGNORE COMEY. YOU IGNORE HILLARY. HOW DO YOU IGNORE LEGENDARY JOURNALIST BOB WOODWARD ON THE HUGH HEWITT SHOW…

[WOODWARD]

…NO COLLUSION. THAT WAS NOVEMBER. SO, AGAIN, TO ALL THE NEW PEOPLE DISCOVERING THIS SHOW, WE’VE BEEN HERE NEARLY 3-1/2 YEARS AND AROUND HERE ATTORNEY GENERAL WILLIAM BARR’S CJARACTERIZATION OREPUBLICATION OF MUELLER’S CONCLUSION THAT THE PRESIDENT PORNSTAR DID NOT CONSPIRE WITH PUTIN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD IS EXACTLY WHAT WE EXPECTED.

ALSO, AROUND HERE, WE KNOW THAT MEETING RUSSIANS IN NEW YORK CITY TO GET DIRT ON A POLITICAL OPPONENT, IS NOT ONLY NOT ILLEGAL, BUT IT IS SMART POLITICS.

[PUTIN PUPPET]

OF COURSE IT’S NOT OVER OVER.

[CONCLUSION]

DESPITE TRUMP’S SPIN. NOT OVER OVER BECAUSE ALL WE’VE SEEN IS A FOUR PAGE SUMMARY OF A FOUR HUNDRED PAGE REPORT.

[SUMMARY]

A SUMMARY IN THIS CONTEXT IS LIKE AN OFFICIAL TRAILER THAT TELLS YOU THE ENDING.
BUT PRETEND QUESTIONS LINGER LIKE: “IS THE PRESDENT EXONERATED?”

[EXONERATED]

THE TRAGEDY SURROUNDING THE EXONERATION NARRATIVE IS THE CONTINUED NARROWING OF THE BAR FOR IMPEACHMENT.

PRESIDENTS SWEAR AN OATH TO SUPPORT AND DEFEND THE CONSTITUTION. TRUMP IS REALLY BAD AT THAT.

FOR EXAMPLE, UNDERMINING THE FREE PRESS IS IMPEACHABLE. BUT ONLY IF CONGRESS SAYS SO. BUT WE HAVE ALL BEEN LEAD TO BELIEVE BY THE MEDIA AND THE POLITICIANS THAT PRESIDENTS CAN ONLY BE IMPEACHED IF THEY COMMIT A FELONY.

A THRESHOLD QUESTION ON THIS PROGRAM, BY CONTRAST, HAS BEEN THAT IF YOU WANT TO IMPEACH THE ASSHOLE, WHY CHASE STUPID SHIT WHEN HE VIOLATES THE CONSTITUTION HE SWORE TO UPHOLD ON A DAILY BASIS?

SO THERE’S THAT AND ALSO BY THE WAY INCIDENTALLY PARENTHETICALLY COVFEFE · “NOT GUILTY” AND EXONERATED ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.

JURY SAYS “NOT GUILTY” YOU ARE NOT EXONERATED. IT MAY WELL BE THAT YOU CUT YOUR HUSBAND’S DICK OFF BUT THE STATE CAN’T PROVE YOU CUT YOUR HUSBAND’S DICK OFF BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT BECAUSE THE EVIDENCE — GET THIS — THE EVIDENCE IS RAZOR THIN!

[RIMSHOT]

I SHOULD LECTURE THE LAW SCHOOL CIRCUIT. “RAZOR THIN” AMIRITE PEOPLE?!

[RIMSHOT]

SO WHAT ABOUT THE FULL REPORT? TWO MINUTES.

[FULL REPORT]

SAME POLITICIANS SPENT THE PAST TWO YEARS SCREAMING “PUTIN PUPPET” NOW CLAIM TO BE WORRIED THAT WE WILL NEVER GET TO SEE THE FULL REPORT. AND THAT BRINGS ME TO THE CONSTITUTIONAL PRINCIPLE NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT.

WHEN YOU AND I WROTE THE CONSTITUTION, WHEN WE CREATED ARTICLE ONE, WHEN WE CREATED THE FUCKING CONGRESS, WE INCLUDED A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED “THE SPEECH OR DEBATE CLAUSE.”

ANY SINGLE MEMBER OF CONGRESS CAN UNILATERALLY DECLASSIFY AND RELEASE ANY DOCUMENT.

GOOGLE MIKE GRAVEL v UNITED STATES, THE CONTROLLING SUPREME COURT CASE.

THE MEMBERS OF CONGRESS WHO PRESIDE OVER YOUR DISTRICT, THE TWO SENATORS WHO PRESIDE OVER YOUR STATE · ARE IMMUNED FROM PROSECUTION FOR RELEASING CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS.

FOR TWO YEARS YOU WERE PLACATED.

YOU’RE STILL BEING PLACATED.

WANNA SEE THE FULL REPORT, CONTACT YOUR REPRESENTATIVES AND INSTRUCT THEM TO RELEASE IT.

[SEINFELD]

AND CAN WE JUST STOP WITH JAIL. IT’S 2019 AND JAIL IS OLD TECHNOLOGY.

[MUSIC UP]

COMMITTED LISTENERS MAY RECALL APRIL 2016 · FIRST TIME WE HEARD COMEDIAN NATE BARGATZE WITH FALLON.

[NATE 1]

LAST WEEK WAS A WEEK IN WHICH NATE RETURNED TO THE TONIGHT SHOW IN SUPPORT OF HIS NETFLIX SPECIAL. STEVE MARTIN WAS ALSO GREAT WITH SETH MEYERS. FIVE MINUTES FOLLOWED BY AN ABOVE AVERAGE AWARDS SEGMENT.

[AWDS/CLOSE]

CHELSEA HANDLER, OF COURSE, REPRESENTS A CLASS OF CITIZENS WHO HAVE NEVER HAD TO REALLY FIGHT FOR IT. WILL DEMOCRATS SPEND THE NEXT TWO YEARS BLAMING THE PLAYER, OR WILL THEY GET BETTER AT THE GAME?

THAT QUESTION ANSWERS ITSELF EVERY TIME SOMEBODY SAYS: “WE NEED TO GET RID OF THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE!”

JUST GET BETTER AT POLITICS, OR AS WE SAY AROUND HERE: “KEEP BANGING!”

·MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM TO REACH OUT THAT’S MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM.

·SUBSCRIBE FOR FREE AT LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM · EVERY TIME WE UPLOAD A NEW EPISODE, YOU WILL FEEL A VIBRATION IN YOUR PANTS!

LATE NITE LAST WEEK IS MADE POSSIBLE BY A GRANT FROM THE FIRST AMENDMENT TO THE UNITED STATES CONSTITUTION AND LISTENERS LIKE YOU. GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM AND KICK IN TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED. SUPER EASY. YOU DO NOT NEED AN ACCOUNT.

FOR HOUSE ANNOUNCER SHADOE STEVENS AND HOUSE BAND DEAD MAN FALL, LATE NITE LAST WEEK IS A PRODUCTION OF SIS BOOM BAA LLC.