20190410-Script


NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is the draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management
—————————
[OPEN A]

HUMAN BEINGS VERY JUDGMENTAL. LOTTA POLITICAL HAY GETS MADE ON THE BACK OF WHERE YOU’RE FROM. EVEN IF YOU ARE A CITIZEN. WHY WE EVEN CARE WHERE SOMEBODY’S FROM?

“WHERE YOU FROM, BOY?”

WANNA KNOW WHERE YOU’RE FROM? SO WE CAN JUDGE YOU.

YOU’RE IN BOSTON: “WHERE YA’ FROM?” “ALABAMA.” FEEL THE JUDGMENT?

YOU’RE IN MISSISSIPPI? WHERE YA’ FROM? SAN FRANCISCO.

“ONLY THEY GOT IN SAN FRANCISCO’S STEERS AND QUEERS. I DON’T SEE NO STEER.”

FEEL THE JUDGMENT?

FATHER’S BORN IN GERMANY. AS PRESIDENT TRUMP’S SAID THIS AT LEAST THREE TIMES.

[GERMANY 1]

JULY 12 LAST YEAR · THE EU. BAD BRANDING BY THE WAY. “EWWW” · NO WONDER THE BRITS LEFT · “WHAT’S THE NAME AGAIN? EWWW? I THINK NOT.”

[GERMANY 2]

THAT WAS JULY 15TH LAST YEAR.

[ACT OUT: “FATHER’S FROM AN EU SECTOR!”

DO WE REALLY NEED FACTCHECKERS?

[PHIL]

YES!!! · “LET’S GET PHIL IN HERE! PHIL? YOU WERE BORN? [BEAT] HOW DO YOU SEE THAT, PHIL?”

“TAKES ME BACK TO THE WOMB, DAVE?”

THOSE OF YOU HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME EVERY DAY I AUDIT EVERY EPISODE OF EVERY LATE NIGHT SHOW AND REPORT BACK YOU. LAST NIGHT WAS A NIGHT IN WHICH · GETS KITICHER AS THEY GET OLDER · BUT THEY ARE FULLY COMMITTED SO IT TOTALLY WORKS · BACK STREET BOYS TAKE THE MEDCEDES BENZ STAGE ON KIMMEL…

[PACKAGE 1]

YOU WINDMILL PEOPLE BUNCHA OPEN BORDER BIRD MURDERERS! WIND ENERGY! FOSSIL FUEL NEVER KILLED ANYBODY! NAME ONE TIME. OKAY FINE. KUWAIT. YES. IRAQ. BESIDES THAT. AFGHANIS…RIGHT. BUT ONE MORE TIME. LIBYA. BUT WHAT ABOUT. OKAY FINE. YEMEN.

GOTTA’ AN OFFER FOR DONALD TRUMP · SEVEN MINUTES AWAY · RIGHT AFTER WE HEAR FROM THE COMEDY TEAM OF TRACEY AND HADDISH · THAT’S TRACY MORGAN LAST WEEK WITH FALLON AND THREE THOUSAND MILES FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY THREE MILES AWAY TIFFANY HADDISH SIT’S DOWN WITH JIMMY KIMMEL DURING HIS HOMECOMING WEEK IN VEGAS. BY THE WAY · NICE DRIVE FROM 30 ROCK TO THE VEGAS STRIP · DONE IT SEVERAL TIMES · HEAD WEST TO BUFFALO, SOUTHWEST THROUGH OHIO, INDIANA, OAZRK MOUNTAINS OF MISSOURI, NICE LITTLE CREPE PLACE IN SPRINGFIELD, HAUL ASS ‘CROSS OKLAHOMA, STOP AT THE BIG TEXAN IN AMARILLO, STAY OVER THE NEXT NIGHT IN ALBUQUERQUE, NEXT NIGHT IN FLAGSTAFF, NEXT NIGHT IN PARK CITY UTAH, YOU’RE IN VEGAS, AND AT THAT POINT A SHORT FIVE HOURS FROM MY STUDIO RIGHT HERE IN SAN DIEGO! WHERE WERE WE? OH YEAH — HANDPICKED, GUESTS OF THE WEEK, TRACY AND TIFFANY!

[PACKAGE 2]

THAT’S ACTUALLY VERY HARD TO DO AND GET LAUGHS. STAND-UP COMEDY STARTS BELOW THE WAIST. GO TO ANY OPEN MIC AT ANY CLUB SUNDAY THROUGH WEDNESDAY YOU’LL HEAR A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO ARE FIVE YEARS AWAY FROM HAVING A TIGHT FIVE MINUTES TALKING ABOUT THINGS LIKE WIPING. VERY HACK. NOT WHEN TRACEY MORGAN DOES IT!

ABOUT MY OFFER TO DONALD TRUMP · SET IT UP THIS WAY · LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT · ED SULLIVAN THEATRE · COLBERT JOKE · COLBERT AUDIENCE · MEANING THEY STOOD IN LINE TO HEAR COLBERT TALK SHIT ABOUT TRUMP AND YET · LISTEN UP…

[CALLBACK1]

THAT JOKE FAILS.

[CALLBACK 2]

FAILS SO BAD COLBERT FEELS THE NEED TO SAVE IT. VERY TELLING. THINK ABOUT ALL THE RACIAL SHIT TRUMP’S DONE · GET A BLACK GUY, BRING HIM UP ON STAGE AT A RALLY, HANDS HIM THE MIC AND HE’S LIKE: “SAY A FEW WORDS.” MOST PEOPLE WOULD NEVER DO THIS. SO COMFORTABLE UP THERE, HE KNOWS COLBERT HAS NOTHING ON HIM WHEN IT COMES TO SAVING A FAIL. THING IS, IT NEVER FAILS, BECAUSE ON QUEUE THE GUY TELLS THE STORY OF HIS DAUGHTER BEING MURDERED BY AN IMMIGRANT. TRUMP TAKES THE MIC BACK: “LIKE I’VE BEEN SYAING FOLKS! THESE KILLERS, RAPISTS, THEY’VE BEEN FLOWING IN. I WILL PROTECT YOU.”

AT THE WHITE HOUSE, DIFFERENT BLACK GUY, JUST GOT EXONERATED FOR A MURDER HE DIDN’T COMMIT, HANDS THE BLACK GUY THE MIC WHO TELLS HIS HORRIFIC STORY. HE AND TRUMP SHARE A HUG DURING THE PRISON REFORM CEREMONY.

WHICH EVENT DO THE NAZIS REMEMBER? 100% OF THEM WILL TURN OUT FOR TRUMP, WHOSE FATHER BY THE WAY JUST HAPPENS TO BE FROM GERMANY!

WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY OFFER: “IF DONALD TRUMP OPENS UP AND GIVES HIS FATHER’S GERMAN BIRTH CERTIFICATE, I WILL GIVE, TO A CHARITY OF HIS CHOICE — THE NRA, THE KLAN, HAMBERDER UNIVERSITY — A CHECK, IMMEDIATELY, FOR FIVE BILLION DOLLARS. THE CHECK WILL BE GIVEN WITHIN ONE HOUR AFTER HE REALEASES SAID CERTIFICATE. THIS OFFER EXPIRES FRIDAY AT 5:00 PM. SO STATED. COVFEFE.”

[AVOCADOS]

SEE WHAT I MEAN? COLBERT’S AUDIENCE IS MORE WORRIED ABOUT AVOCADOS THAN SOCIAL JUSTICE. THAT’S WHY IT’S GONNA BE SIX MORE YEARS OF TRUMP.

[PHIL 2]

GO FUCK YOURSELF, PHIL.

·MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM TO REACH OUT · MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM.

·TODAY’S PROGRAM WAS MADE POISSIBLE BY A GRANT FROM THE FIRST AMENDMENT TO THE UNITED STATES CONSTITUTION AND INTELLIGENT CITIZENS LIKE YOU!

TO BE MY SIDEKICK TO GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM AND KICK IN TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED. WE WILL NOT SELL OR SHARE YOUR INFORMATION OR DO ANYTHING TO MAKE YOU SAY “EWWW!”

LATE NITE LAST WEEK IS A PRODUCTION OF SIS BOOM BAA LLC.