20190413-Script


NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is the draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management
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IF GEORGE WASHINGTON IS THE FATHER OF OUT COUNTRY · LEMME PUT IT THIS WAY · WELCOME TO JOE BIDEN · FONDLER OF OUR COUNTRY!

[RIMSHOT]

SNIFFING IS ACTIVE. SMELLING IS PASSIVE. WIFE HAS THAT CHANEL NUMBER 5. AMAZING SHIT! PUT CHANEL NUMBER FIVE ON JOHN GOODMAN · I’D FUCK ‘EM!

[RIMSHOT]

ACROSS THE LATE NIGHT INDUSTRY · FALLON · KIMMEL · OLIVER · FUNNY UNCLE JOE!

AUGUST 3, 2016.

[ARCHIVE 1]

AUGUST 5, 2016

[ARCHIVE 2/3 ]

NOVEMBER 18, 2016.

[ARCHIVE 4]

BIDEN’S THE GUY SAYS: “COME ONE LET’S GO!”

LAST NIGHT WITH CONAN · BILL BURR · WAY BILL BURR AND BILL MAHER SEE IT, BIDEN ACCUSER LUCY FLORES? SHE’S BEIN’ NITPICKY! FOUR MINUTES.

[BILLS]

SAMANTHA BEE SEES IT DIFFERENTLY.

[BEE/TRUMP]

PUSSYGRABBER MEET SHOULDERGRABBER · AVERAGE AGE · SEVENTY FOUR · BIDEN LAST WEEK TO THE INTERNATIONAL BROTHERHOOD OF ELECTRICAL WORKERS.

[IBEW]

YOU’RE LUCY FLORES · YOU’RE THIRTY FIVE…

[FLORES 1]

…ONE OF THIRTEEN CHILDREN · SPENDS SOME TIME IN GANGS · DROPS OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL · SPENDS SOME TIME IN JOOVEE…

[FLORES 2]

…TAKE HER GED · GETS INTO UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA · WITHOUT THE BENEFIT OF A BRIBE…

[FLORES 3]

…GETS HER LAW DEGREE…

[FLORES 4]

…AT THE AGE OF THIRTY GETS ELECTED TO THE NEVADA LEGISLATURE…BUT NOW IT’S 2014, YOU’RE RUNNING FOR LT GOVERNOR…

[FLORES 5]

…AND VICE PRESIDENT SHOULDERGRABBER IS LEANING IN FROM BEHIND SNIFFING YOUR HAIR AND SLOWLY KISSING YOUR HEAD.

NOT A SMELL. IT’S A SNIFF. SMELLING IS: “SOMEBODY SHIT THEMSELF!” SNIFF IS LIKE · THOSE OF YOU WHO LIKE WOMEN, THINK OF THE WOMEN YOU’VE SNIFFED. WHAT WAS THE AGE DIFFERENCE? WHERE WERE YOU WHEN YOU SNIFFED HER? WAS IT AN INTIMATE SETTING OR A CAMPAIGN RALLY? WAS SHE FORTY YEARS YOUNGER? WERE YOU THE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES? THINK ABOUT IT · ONLY THING MORE INTIMATE THAN GOING IN FOR A SNIFFF IT TAKING A TASTE!

[TASTE IT]

“I CAN TASTE IT.” LAST WEEK. “I CAN FEEL AND TASTE IT.” WHY IS THAT, JOE?

[TACTILE]

JOE’S TACTILE. TRUMP’S ERECTILE. MAYBE THAT’S A POLITICAL STRATEGY, RIGHT? I’M TACTILE. VOTE FOR ME. ‘CAUSE THE OTHER GUY? HE’S ERECTILE. SO, WHODAYA WANT, LADIES? I’M TACTILE. I’M SNIFFING. I’M FEEELING. I’M TASTING. THAT’S MY THING. I’M JOE. POLITICAL SPECIES. “I’M TACTILE. SNIFFING. TASTING. FEELING. THAT’S MY THING.” JOE DOESN’T SNIFF OBAMA. DOESN’T SNIFF MIKE PENCE. HE SNIFFS LUCE FLORES.

EIGHT MINUTES FROM NOW I’LL SHOW YOU WHY JOE BIDEN CAN NEVER BE ELECTED PRESIDENT IN 2020. NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS RECORD. NOTHING TO DO WITH SNIFFING AND TASTING. BUT FIRST COMICS OF THE NIGHT KENNY DEFOREST KILLED IT ON THE LATE LATE SHOW WITH JAMES CORDEN AND ALSO A DARK CLIP FROM ONE OF MY FAVORITE NEW COMICS, ROBERT POWELL.

[COMICS]

THAT REMARK WORKS OKAY. BUT MORE OFTEN THAN NOT JOE GETS AHEAD OF HIMSELF.

[BIDEN 1]

“I’M NOT JOKING.” AND HE’S REALLY NOT.

[BIDEN 2]

TRUMP CAN DO THAT. THAT’S HIS BRAND. AFTER EASTER BIDEN WILL BE IN AS A DEMOCRAT AND YOU HAVE TO BE BE PURE. HER’ES BIDEN AGAIN LAST WEEK. SAME UNION MEETING. YOU TELL ME WHAT HE’S THINKING ABOUT HERE.

[BIDEN 3]

BALTIMORE GAS AND ELECTRIC. ATLANTA GAS AND LIGHT. BEST IN 125 YEARS. SO · RE-ELECT TRUMP? RIGHT?

[BIDEN 4]

NOT TO BE NIT PICKY. BUT I DON’T SEE A COACH. I SEE A CHEERLEADER. I SEE JEB BUSH.

[MUSIC UP]

LATE NITE LAST WEEK IS BROUGHT YOU BY A GRANT FROM THE FIRST AMENDMENT TO THE UNITED STATES CONSTITUTION AND COMMITTED LISTENERS LIKE YOU!

PLEASE CLAP!!!

NO ADVERTISING EVER. TO KICK IN TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM! THAT’S LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM TO BE MY SIDEKICK!

FOR ASSOCIATE PRODUCER PATRICK CHARLES WHO CREATED THE ABRACADABRA JINGLE,
HOUSE ANNOUNCER SHADOE STEVENS AND HOUSE BAND DEAD MAN FALL, KEEP BANGING!

LATE NITE LAST WEEK IS A PRODUCTION OF SIS BOOM BAA LLC.