20190418-Script


NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is the draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management
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PROGRAMMING NOTE FOR COMMITTED LISTENERS: AMERICAN LATE NITE INDUSTRY IS IN RERUNS NEXT WEEK. SO THE NEXT SHOW UPLOADS WEDNESDAY, MAY FIRST.

[OPEN A]

SOUTH LIKES VINEGAR. NORTH LIKES MUSTARD. JUST THE WAY IT IS!

[RIMSHOT]

STEVE LIKES MEAT. ZACK LIKES MEAT. LIKE IT HOT, TENDER AND ATTACHED TO THE BONE OF THE DEAD ANIMAL. STEVE AND ZACK LIKE THEIR MEAT ATTACHED TO THE CARCASS. ALL THAT IN COMMON. BREAK OFF A BONE OR TWO WITH THEIR BARE HANDS. GNAW THAT MEAT. BONES STACKED ON THE PLATE. HAVE THIS ENTIRE MASSACRE IN COMMON. EXCEPT FOR THE VINEGAR AND MUSTARD. CONFLATE THE CONDIMENT! JUST THE WAY IT IS! RAMY YOUSEF LAST NIGHT ALSO ON THE LATE SHOW.

[RAMY 1]

STEVE PRAYS ON SUNDAY. RAMY PRAYS ON FRIDAY. BOTH PRAY. THEY HAVE THE GOLDEN RULE IN COMMON. THEY CAN BE FRIENDS. OR THEY CAN CONFLATE THE CONDIMENT. MY GOD CAN BEAT UP YOUR GOD.

THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS SOUNDS LIKE.

[MAHER/RONNIE]

COMEDIAN RONNIE CHAING WITH FALLON, EMBLEMATIC OF A WEEK IN WHICH EVERYBODY FROM TRUMP TREASURY SECRETARY STEVE MNUCHIN, MAXINE WATERS, ILHAN OMAR, PETE BUTTIGIEG, AND THEIR COLLECTIVE OPPONENTS · EVERYONE WANTS TO BE HEARD SO TODAY WE HEAR THEM OUT, BUT NOT BEFORE WE PULLBACK THE CURTAIN ON MY SOMEWHAT GUESTS, ALL UNWITTINGLY VYING FOR THE SOON TO BE COVETTED SIS BOOM BAA AWARD FOR JOKE OF THE WEEK, I’M TALKING ABOUT AMERICA’S CONTINGENT OF LATE NIGHT COMMENTARIANS, BEGINNING WITH…

[HSTS/WHITNEY]

THANK YOU, SHADOE!

I’M WRAPPING THIS EPISODE JUST AS THE MUELLER REPORT IS BEING RELEASE. CABLE NEWS IS HAVIGN A MELTDOWN. COINCIDENCE THAT THE GOVERNMENT BEGRUDGINGLY LIVES UP TO ITS OBLIGATIONS JUST BEFORE LATE NIGHT COMEDIANS TAKE A WEEK OFF. THEIR FIRST COLLECTIVE WEEK OFF OF THE YEAR AND BOOM · THERE’S THE REPORT.

GOOD NEWS IS I’LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO READ IT AND WILL REPORT BACK TO YOU ON MAY FIRST. BUT THAT’S NOT WHY I CALLED.

KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MIX MUSTARD AND VINEGAR? YOU’RE ON YOUR WAY TO A TASTY SALAD! MUSTARD VINNEGRETTE!

2019 EVERYBODY HAS THE OPPORTUNITY TO USE THEIR VOICE AND BE HEARD AND EVERYONE IS BEING HEARD AND ALL THE RIGHT PEOPLE ARE UPSET ABOUT IT.

[SETH]

AS COPMMITTED LISTENERS KNOW, SETH MEYERS HAS A RECURRING DESK PIECE CALLED: “JOKES SETH CAN’T TELL.” IT’S AN ATTACK ON THIN SKIN. WOMEN · ESPECIALLY WHITE WOMEN · BEEN USING THEIR VOICES FOR GENERATIONS. SOUTH PARK HAS A CLASSIC BIT IT WHERE THE POLITICAL CANDIDATE GOES FULL ANDREW DICE CLAY AS A COMMENT ON WHAT WE APPLAUD AND WHAT MAKES US STORM OUT OF THE TOWNHALL!

[SOUTH PARK]

ON THE ONE HAND MILLIONS OF RAMY YOUSEFS AND ILHAN OMARS ARE BEING SLAUGHTERED IN YOUR NAME, TO WILD APPLAUSE. ON THE OTHER HAND SOMEBODY CALLED THE VAGINA A BAD WORD. THAT’S WHEN PEOPLE TAKE UMBRAGE. THEY CONFLATE THE CONDIMENT.

[MNUCHIN 1]

TRUMP TREASURY SECRETARY AND OPENLY WHITE STEVE MNUCHIN LAST WEEK, FORCED TO PUBLICLY DEFER, ONE CAN ASSUME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE, TO HOUSE FINANCAL SERVICE COMMITTEE AND OPENLY AFRICAN AMERICAN MAXINE WATERS.

[MNUCHIN 2]

WHAT PART OF MAXINE DROPS THE GAVEL DOES STEVE NOT UNDERSTAND?

[MNUCHIN 3]

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!

[MNUCHIN 4]

MAYBE YOU DIDN’T HEAR ME CORRECTLY.

[MNUCHIN 5]

BANG THE GRAVEL WE CAN ALL GET OUTTA’ HERE!

IF THEY HELD A CONTEST FOR WHO CAN BE THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE, MAXINE AND STEVE WOULD TIE FOR SECOND, BECAUSE NOBODY CAN TOP PRESIDENT PORNSTAR, WHO SINGLEHANDEDLY COURSENED THE PUBLIC DISCOURSE, SO TODAY EVERYBODY IS TALKING SHIT, BULLSHIT AND MORE. PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE BETO O’ROURKE.

[BETO]

AND IN SATIRIZING THE FOREGOING LAST WEEK, BILL MAHER AND HIS WRITERS, HAD TO HAVE BEEN THINKING SOUTH PARK.

[MAHER]

IT’S ONE THING TO BE OFFENDED. IT’S ANOTHER THING TO WANT TO END PEOPLE FOR HAVING HORRIBLE OPINIONS OR EXPRESSING IDEAS YOU FIND REPUGNANT. MANY OF THE PEOPLE WHO MOST BADLY WANT TO BE HEARD SUPPORT A CULTURE THAT WANTS TO INSTITUTIONALIZE SO CALLED HATE SPEECH AND SO CALLED HATE CRIMES. HATE SPEECH IS FREE SPEECH. AND HATE CRIMES ARE JUST CRIMES. HATE IS A MOTIVE. THE WAY YOU MARGINALIZE HATEFUL MOTIVES IS BE CONTIBUTING TO A CULTURE WHERE ALL ARE ENCOURAGED TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES.

I WASN’T LOOKING FOR IT. JUST SO HAPPENED THAT LAST WEEK WAS A WEEK IN WHICH A DIVERSE GROUP OF SPEAKERS HAD THEIR SAY. 2019, 2020 AND BEYOND, THAT’S JUST THE WAY IT IS.

[MUSIC UP]

CONFLATE THE CONDIMENT OR GET WITH THE PROGRAM!

[AWDS]

EVERY LATE NIGHT HOST, CNN AND MSNBC GO AFTER FOX N FRIENDS. EVERY LATE NIGHT HOST, CNN AND MSNBC GOES AFTER STEPHEN MILLER. BUT IT IS TOTALLY TRUE, AS COLBERT SAYD, ILHAN OMAR IS GIVEN LESS LATITUDE PRECISELY BECAUSE FOR SHE CHECKS ALL THE WRONG BOXES FOR THE KLAN, WHO MARGINALIZE THEMSELVES WHEN THEN SPEAK. THE KLAN IS LOSING. ILHAN OMAR IS THE PROOF.

TOLERATING ALL VOICES WORKS. AND IS WAY LESS STRESSFUL THAN CONFLATING THE CONDIMENT. YOU TOLERATE KNOWING YOUR TOLERANCE WILL BE TESTED AS STEPHEN COLBERT’S CONVERSATION WITH RAMY YOUSEF TAKES A DARK TURN.

[RAMY/THEME]

UNCLE DONALD · TO BE CONTINUED · MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM TO REACH OUT THAT’S MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM.

LATE NITE LAST WEEK IS MADE POSSIBLE BY A GRANT FROM THE FIRST AMENDMENT AND PEOPLE LIKE YOU! NO ADVERTISING EVER. THAT’S THE DEAL. GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM AND KICK IN TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED. SUPER EASY. YOU DO NOT NEED AN ACCOUNT.

I’M GONNA GET A SALAD AND I’M NOT GONNA CONFLATE THE CONDIMENT: WHATDAYA MEAN YOU’RE OUTTA MUSTARD VINNEGRETTE?!!!”

FOR HOUSE ANNOUNCED SHADOE STEVENS AND HOUSE BAND DEAD MAN FALL, LATE NITE LAST WEEK IS A PRODUCTION OF SIS BOOM BAA LLC.