20190501-Script


NOTICE: This is not a transcript. This is the draft script for this post. The spoken-word version of the show is authoritative. ~Management
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HEY FOLKS · GREAT TO BE BACK · OVER THE BREAK I TURNED SIXTY · FIFTY FEELS LIKE THE OTHER DAY · SIXTY · WIFE SAYS LOOKS LIKE FROM NOW ON SHE’LL BE LIVING WITH AN OLD GUY AND I’M LIKE: “REALLY? WHAT’S HIS NAME?”

[RIMSHOT]

HOW OLD IS TOO OLD?

[DOG]

GREATEST EQUIPMENT IN THE WORLD IS A — TAKES A BEAT — DOG. I’M GONNA’ SAY IT. THE DOG IS OLD TECHNOLOGY. THE DOG IS NOT EVEN THAT GOOD AT FETCHING. TAKE THE WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW? THING YA’ DON’T KNOW · EVERY ONE OF THOSE DOGS · DRINKS FROM THE TOILET.

[RIMSHOT]

EVERY ONE. [ACT OUT]

MY WIFE · SAME WIFE JOKING ABOUT ME TURNING SIXTY · WIFE’S A THREE · FOR REAL · SHE’S A THREE · NOT ON A SCALE OF TEN · SHE’S A THREE ON A SCALE OF A HUNDRED! FIVE SEVEN. HUNDRED THIRTY POUNDS. THIRTY FOUR. TWENTY SIX. THIRTY SIX. SHE’S A THREE. JULIE TURNS SIXTY IN AUGUST FINISHES LAW SCHOOL IN DECEMBER. THIRD YEAR LAW SCHOOL YOU’RE A THREE ELL. BUT THAT’S NOT WHY SHE’S A THREE. SHE’S A THREE BECAUSE SHE’S FIFTY NINE. CONSISTENTLY AT THE TOP OF HER CLASS. GOT A HUNDRED ON A MID-TERM JUST YESTERDAY. A HUNDRED. THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN. HAPPENS ALL THE TIME FOR JULIE. BUT TAKES HER FOREVER. SO SHE’S PAYS A PSYCHOLOGIST. BUNCH OF TESTS. AND IN ONE CATEGORY WHERE THE SCALE IS A HUNDRED? SHE’S A THREE! YOU’RE ON TRIAL FOR MURDER, JULIE’S REPRESENTING YOU AT TRIAL, YOU’RE GETTING THE CHAIR. BUT IF YOU’RE CONVICTED, YOU WANT SOMEBODY TO GO THROUGH THE TRIAL RECORD WITH A FINE TOOTH COMB, TELL YOU WHAT THE PROSECUTOR DID WRONG, TELL YOU WHAT YOUR LAWYER DID WRONG, TELL YOU WHAT THE COPS DID WRONG, TELL YOU WHAT THE JUDGE DID WRONG · YOU CAN’T DO ANY BETTER · YOU NEED TO GET COMFORTABLE · SHE’S PLODDING. METHODICAL. RELENTLESS. DOESN’T STOP UNTIL SHE GETS TO THE RIGHT ANSWER. IT’S NOT AGISM. IT’S JUST AGE!

FORTY HAD PERFECT EYESIGHT. THICKER HEAD OF HAIR. THEN IT WAS GLASSES. THEN LASIK. TAKES LONGER TO RECEOVER FROM EXERCISE. HARDER TO BANG OUT FIFTY PUSH-UPS. AT SIXTY I UNDERSTAND STORY. BUT AT FORTY I WAS FUNNIER.

JOE BIDEN IS SEVENTY SIX. ALSO ENTERTAINING. GIVES A SPEECH YESTERDAY TO SOME FIREFIGHTERS. I PULLED SOME CLIPS AND MASHED ‘EM TOGETHER. NO SPECIAL EFFECTS HERE. WE’RE SATIRIZED TRUMP IN THIS SERIES FOR SLURRING HIS WORDS. WE’VE SPECULATED IT ALZHE IMERS OR DIMENTIA. BIDEN SOUNDS LIKE A GUY WHOSE HAD A STROKE.

[RIMSHOT/BIDEN]

SIXTEEN TO DRIVE. EIGHTEEN TO BUY A HOUSE. TWENTY ONE TO BUY A BEER. TWENTY FIVE TO RENT A CAR. THIRTY FIVE TO BE PRESIDENT. ‘NOTHER WORDS · THIRTY FOUR IS TOO YOUNG. SO IF TOO YOUNG IS A THING, SO TOO IS TOO OLD.

TWO GUYS IN THEIR SEVENTIES. BOTH NOW ON RECORD SLURRING THEIR WORDS AT LIVE EVENTS. NO RECORD OF THIS HAPPENING TO THE YOUNGER CANDIDATES. HOW OLD IS TOO OLD? COMEDIAN VIR DAS LAST WEEK WITH CONAN. SIX MINUTES.

[DAS PACKAGE]

AS MUCH AS BIDEN STRUGGLES LIVE, AS HIS CAMPAIGN ANNOUNCEMENT PROVES, HE’S GREAT ON TAPE, WHEN HE CAN DO AS MANY TAKES AS IT TAKES TO GET IT PERFECT. BUT LIFE IS NOT A RECORDING. THIS EIGHT MINUTE SEGMENT IS ANCHORED BY BIDEN’S CAMPAIGN ANNOUNCEMENT AND TRUMP’S SATURDAY RALLY · HIS FIRST POST-MUELLER · BEFORE TEN THOUSAND RABID FOLLOWERS IN GREEN BAY. BOTH MEN HAVE THEIR CHEERLEADERS. BIDEN? WOMEN OF THE VIEW. TRUMP? DIAMOND AND SILK.

[ANNOUNCE PACKAGE]

DEMOCRATS NOMINATED NEOLIBERALISM IN 2016 AND GOT KILLED. NOT BECAUSE OF PUTING. NEOLIBERALISM IS LOSING ALL OVER THE WORLD. STEVE BANNON SAYS TRUMP BEAT HILLARY PRECISELY BECAUSE SHE REPRESENTED THE STATUS QUO. SIXTY YEAR OLD BIDEN IN 2002.

[IRAQ]

NO SLURS THERE. THE WOMEN OF THE VIEW WOULD CORRONATE BIDEN TOMORROW. AND TO BE SURE, BIDEN’S 2020 CAMPAIGN THUS FAR IS NOTED FOR TAKING IT DIRECTLY TO TRUMP WHILE COMPLETELY IGNORING HIS EIGHTEEN DEMOCRAT OPPONENTS AND INDEPENDENT BERNIE SANDERS.

[BERNIE]

NO SLURS THERE EITHER.

KNOW WHY THAT’S GOOD POLITICS EVEN THOUGH POLLS SHOW 75% DISAGREE WITH SANDERS? TWO REASONS: VERMONT’S CONSTITUTION FORBIDS THE STATE FROM DISENFRANCHSING FELONS. FIRST, IN VERMONT, FO 250 YEARS, FELONS VOTING FROM PRISON IS JUST THE FIRST TUESDAY IN NOVEMBER. SECOND, FEDERAL CONSTITUTION LEAVES IT TO THE STATES TO DECIDE. SO EVEN IF BERNIE IS ELECTED PRESIDENT, ABSENT A CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT, HE’S POWERLESS TO ENFRANCHISE THE INCARCERATED.

SMART POLITICS BECAUSE SIX MILLION HOUSEHOLDS HAVE A FELON IN THE FAMILY AND BIDEN WHEN HE WAS SENATOR, BIDEN WAS THE GUY WHO SPONSORED THE LEGISLATION THAT LOCKED ‘EM UP.

STEVE BANNON.

[BANNON/MUSIC]

WE ONLY KNOW THREE THINGS FOR SURE:

·TRUMP WILL DOUBLE-DOWN ON IDENTITY POLITICS.
·EIGHTEEN DEMOCRATS ARE FIGHTING AMONG THEMSELVES FOR THE HONOR, NOT OF TAKING ON TRUMP, BUT RATHER SANDERS. FIRST THEY HAVE TO GET BY SANDERS.
·AND THREE: DOGS ARE NOT EQUIPMENT!!!

[MUSIC]

TO BE CONTINUED…COMEDIANS LENNY MARCUS AND JAY LENO IN SEPARATE APPEARANCES WITH FALLON BRING US THIS WEEK’S FOOD SEGMENT. FIVE MINUTES.

[FOOD/MUSIC]

MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM TO REACH OUT THAT’S MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM. LATE NITE LAST WEEK IS MADE POSSIBLE BY A GRANT FROM THE FIRST AMENDMENT AND LISTENERS LIKE YOU. GO TO LATE NITE LAST WEEK DOT COM AND KICK IN TWENTY CENTS A SHOW ANNUALIZED. WE WILL NOT SELL OR SHARE YOUR INFORMATION.

[VIR DAS 2]

FOR HOUSE ANNOUNCED SHADOE STEVENS AND HOUSE BAND DEAD MAN FALL, KEEP BANGING!

LATE NITE LAST WEEK IS A PRODUCTION OF SIS BOOM BAA LLC.

[KICKER]