20190618-Script


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HEY FOLKS · GREAT TO BE BACK · OVER THE BREAK I TURNED SIXTY · FIFTY FEELS LIKE THE OTHER DAY · SIXTY · WIFE SAYS LOOKS LIKE FROM NOW ON SHE’LL BE LIVING WITH AN OLD GUY AND I’M LIKE: “REALLY? WHAT’S HIS NAME?”
[OPEN A]

DO NOT TOUCH THAT FEED · JON STEWART · A PREDICTION ON THE LIKELIHHOD OF WAR WITH IRAN · WHEN TO CALL THE FBI · AMAZING SHOW · DANA CARVEY YUCKING IT UP WITH JIMMY FALLON · MARK TWAIN SAYS: “AGAINST THE ASSULT OF LAUGHTER, NOTHING CAN STAND.”

I WANT THAT TO STILL BE TRUE. BUT I WONDER IF WE’RE LIVING BORROWED TIME. JUNE 10TH NEW YORK TIMES ENDED POLITICAL CARTOONS. NO MORE OPEN SATIRE IN NEW YORKS PUBLICATIONS.

WANT KNOW A FUN PARLOR GAME. NEXT TIME YOU’RE CHATTING IT UP WITH YOUR FRIENDS AT A DINNER PARTY, ASK: “TALKING MY FRIENDS, CAN’T GET A CONSENSUS. MAYBE YOU CAN HELP, MARY.

“WHAT SHOULD THE CONSEQUENCES BE FOR FREE SPEECH?”

WANDA SYKES.

[SYKES]

“NOT NORMAL TO KNOW YOU’RE SMARTER THAN THE PRESIDENT.” FUNNY. COMMITTED LISTENERS KNOW I AM NOT A TRUMP SUPPORTER. HERE’S MY QUESTION: IS IT POSSIBLE THAT DEMOCRATS, IN CALLING THE PRESIDENT A MORON, SET THE BAR SO LOW THAT TRUMP CAN’T FAIL? THAT’S NUMBER ONE. AND NUMBER TWO: IF HE’S THE MORON AND YOU LOSE TO THE MORON, WHAT DOES THAT MAKE YOU?

I WOULD SHUT UP ABOUT POLITICS · BUT TRUTH IS, EVERYTHING IS POLITICS · ANOTHER QUESTION FOR MY ANYBODY BUT TRUMP LISTENERS · RUNNING AGAINST A GUY WHO CAN HOLD A ROOM FOR AN HOUR · LISTEN TO THESE DEMOCRATS IN IOWA THEN I’LL TELL YOU WHO CAN BEAT TRUMP.

[DEMS]

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT DID BIDEN SAY?

[CANCER]

CURE CANCER ONLY IF ELECTED? ENJOY THAT CHEMO!

JEB · I MEAN JOE · BIDEN WITHOUT OBAMA IS OATES WITHOUT HALL. BROOKS WITHOUT DUNN. CHEECH WITHOUT CHONG.

SPEAKING OF CANCER · HERE’S A GUY WITH THE TALENT TO THUMP TRUMP · JON STEWART!

[DO YOURS]

JON STEWART LAST WEEK BRINGING ALL OF HIS TALENT TO THE HALLS OF CONGRESS · TALENT HONED OVER MANY YEARS AS HOST AND EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF THE DAILY SHOW · TAKES FULL ADVANTAGE OF HIS FREE SPEECH RIGHTS ROASTING A TWO-FACED CONGRESS TO ITS FACE · STRICTLY AS AN ACT OF CITIZENSHIP · NO MONEY IN IT · SOLELY AS AN ACT OF CONSCIENCE · NOT RUNNING FOR ANYTHING · JON DOES THIS ON BEHALF OF SICK AND DYING CANCER RIDDEN WORLD TRADE CENTER FIRE FIGHTERS AND OTHER FIRST RESPONDERS WHO IN 2001, SPEND WEEKS SIFTING THROUGH THE TOXIC MASS GRAVE WITH BUCKETS AND PICK AXES IN SEARCH OF THINGS LIKE FINGERS AND TOES.

LAST WEEK WAS A WEEK IN WHICH JON REMINDED ALL OF US THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MORAL CLARITY AND MORAL RELEVANCY. LOTS MORE TO COME ON THAT. BY THE WAY, IF YOU HAVEN’T READ IT · I GET NO FINANCIAL BENEFIT FOR SAYING THIS · IF YOU HAVEN’T READ IT · “THE DAILY SHOW: AN ORAL HISTORY” BY CHRIS SMITH · THE SYSTEM STEWART HAD IN PLACE AS EXECUTIVE PRODUCER · A SYSTEM THAT INCUBATED THIS PARTIAL LIST OF DAILY SHOW ALUMNI: STEVE CARELL, WYATT CENAC, SAMANTHA BEE, ROB CORDRY, STEPHEN COLBERT. JOHN OLIVER, ROB RIGGLE, ED HELMS, LARRY WILMORE, MICHAEL CHE, JOSH GAD, JASON JONES, JORDAN KLEPPER, HASAN MINAJ, AASIF MANDVI, OLIVIA MUNN, MO ROCCA.

WHAT A LEGACY. HERE’S JON YESTERDAY WITH CHRIS WALLACE ON FOX NEWS SUNDAY.

[WALLACE]

MITCH MCCONNELL THIS MORNING ON FOX N FRIENDS.

[MCCONNELL]

JON LAST NIGHT WITH COLBERT…

[DESK PIECE]

…HE TIES IT TO THE MULTI-TRILLION DOLLAR SO-CALLED COUNTER-TERROISM INDUSTRY, A POINT WE WILL EXPAND UPON LATER IN TODAY’S SHOW.

[SYNTHESIZE]

LOTS OF TWISTS, TURNS, SURPRISES AND REVEALS COMING YOUR WAY, INCLUDING NOT ONE BUT TWO MONOLOGUES AND AN ABOVE AVERAGE AWARDS SEGMENT! BUT FIRST WE PULLBACK THE CURTAIN ON MY SOMEWHAT GUESTS, ALL UNWITTINGLY VYING FOR THE SOON TO BE COVETTED SIS BOOM BAA AWARD FOR JOKE OF THE WEEK, I’M TALKING ABOUT AMERICA’S RETINUE OF LATE NIGHT RACONTEURS BEGINNING WITH…

[HSTS-WHITNEY]

THANK YOU, SHADOE!

KNOW WHO ELSE DOESN’T CALL THE FBI? EVERY BLACK GUY! EVERY LATINO. EVERY PUERTO RICAN. EVERY DOMINICAN.

SO WHO DOES CALL THE FBI? OLD WHITE BITCHES WITH CELL PHONES.

[ACT OUT] “THIS THE FBI? I’D LIKE TO REPORT A CRIME. THERE’S A BLACK MAN PARKED IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE.”

PRIGS DROPPING DIMES. THAT’S A WORD, RIGHT? “PRIG.” MAN OR WOMAN. SELF-RIGHTEOUS. SUPERIOR TO OTHERS. PRIG.

[COLLUSION]

AS COMMITTED LISTENERS KNOW, I KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INVESTIGATED BY THE FBI. I DON’T RECOMMEND IT. ONE THING I KNOW. 100%. FOR SURE. NO LAW REQUIRES ANY CITIZEN TO CALL THE FBI. ONLY CITIZENS CAN BE PRESIDENTS. SO THAT STATEMENT COVERS PRESIDENTS. NOBODY IS REQUIRED BY LAW TO CALL THE FBI FOR ANY REASON.

ANY SUCH LAW WOULD BE UNCONSTITUTIONAL. THE RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH BRINGS WITH IT THE RIGHT TO NOT BE FORCED TO SPEAK UNLESS YOU’RE UNDER COURT ORDER, AND EVEN THEN YOU HAVE OPTIONS.

THAT SAID, I GOT SUCKED INTO THE VORTEX FOR A FULL DAY TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHETHER IT IS ILLEGAL FOR A POLITICAL CANDIDATE IN THE UNITED STATES TO ACCEPT DIRT ON AN OPPONENT FROM A FOREIGN NATIONAL. BAG OF MONEY IS DEFINITELY ILLEGAL. BUT “DIRT” IS NOT A BAG OF MONEY. “DIRT” IS SPEECH.

RESEARCH COMPANY I STARTED TWENTY YEARS AGO, THELAWNET CORPORATION HAS A DATABASE OF EVERY FEDERAL CASE SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE REPUBLIC AND I CANNOT FIND A SINGLE CASE WHERE A CANDIDATE FOR OFFICE IS PROSECUTED FOR ACCEPTING A THING OF VALUE WHEN THE THING OF VALUE IS SPEECH. SO THE “THING OF VALUE” LANGUAGE HAS NEVER BEEN STRESS-TESTED IN THAT CONTEXT.

IT’S NOT JUST THAT I THINK IT IS LEGAL FOR A CANDIDATE TO ACCEPT DIRT ON POLITICAL OPPONENTS FROM FOREIGN NATIONALS, IT’S THAT I WANT IT TO BE LEGAL. I ALSO THINK IT IS NEEDLESS AND STUPID TO DO IT THAT WAY, WHEN ALL YOU NEED IS A GUY WHO KNOWS A GUY WHO KNOWS A GUY TO LEAK SAID DIRT TO THE PRESS. THAT’S HOW THESE THINGS ARE DONE SO WHEN ASKED THE CANDIDATE HAS DENIABILITY.

EXAMPLE: IN SOME COUNTRIES IT IS LEGAL FOR ADULTS TO HAVE SEX WITH CHILDREN. BUT IN THE UNITED STATES WE CALL THAT RAPE. LET’S SAY A LISTENER IN ONE OF THESE COUNTRIES, OWNS A LITTLE PARLOR, EMAILS ME A VIDEO OF TAKE YOUR PICK — DONALD TRUMP OR BERNIE SANDERS — RAPING A CHILD. AS A CITIZEN, THE INSTANT I PUBLISH THAT VIDEO I AM A JOURNALIST. BECAUSE I’M A JOURNALIST, I DO NOT NEED TO REVEAL MY SOURCE BECAUSE CONGRESS CANNOT MAKE ANY LAW ABRIDGING THE RIGHT OF THE FREE PRESS. I AM PROTECTED. AND BECAUSE I AM PROTECTED · THIS IS THE BEST PART · BECAUSE I AM PROTECTED, YOU’RE RIGHT TO KNOW IS PROTECTED, AND THE ROGUE CANDIDATE IS ACCORDINGLY MARGINALIZED.

BUT THAT’S NOT WHY I CALLED. LEMME TELL YA’ WHY I CALLED. SET IT UP THIS WAY.

PLACE I OFTEN GO FOR BREAKFAST, BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN BEAUTIFUL HOMES AND DRIVE BEAUTIFUL CARS. THIS BEING SAN DIEGO EVERYTHING IS OUTDOORS. BEAUTIFUL MAJESTIC ENTRANCE. NOBODY SAYS ANYTHING THAT WON’T DO. DONUT SHOP $50 FOR A DOZEN. MAKE THE DONUTS ONE AT A TIME.

THE DEFINING LANDMARK OF THE AFOREMENTIONED MAJESTIC ENTRANCE? A WATER FOUNTAIN. MAYBE 15 FEET TALL. A SMALL DOME CAPS THE FOUNTAIN. ATOP THE DOME, RIGHT WHERE PEOPLE WALK BY, ATOP THE DOME THERE THIS A SEA GULL. ALWAYS THE SAME GULL. TO MYSELF I CALL HIM: “SEA FUCKING GULL” S.F. GULL FOR SHORT · KNOW SEA GULLS · GOT THE SIDEEYE GOING ON · “WHAT YOU LOOKING AT, ASSHOLE?”

ONLY WAY TO MAKE S.F. GULL MORE BADASS WOULD BE TO GIVE HIM AN EYEPATH, A DEW RAG, AND A PEGLEG.

OTHER GULLS TRAFFICK IN DUMPSTERS · NOT SEA FUCKING GULL. I SHIT ON YOUR FOUNTAIN. I SHIT IN YOUR WATER FOUNTAIN.

ALWAYS THERE. DIGNIFIED. BEAUTIFUL THING. SIDE EYE. LIVING THE LIFE! S.F. GULL!

LAST WEEK JON STEWART WAS SEA FUCKING GULL. GIVING CONGRESS THE SIDEYE. SHITTING IN CONGRESSIONAL WATERS. TRYING TO FULFILL HIS DREAM OF ESTABLISHING A TRUST THAT ENSURES FIRST RESPONDERS AND THEIR PROGENY NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MEDICAL BILLS.

BUT EVERY DREAM STARTS WITH A NIGHTMARE · HERE HE IS · JON STEWART. THE DAILY SHOW. THE DATE? NEARLY 18 YEARS AGO. SEPTEMBER 20, 2001. FOUR MINUTES.

[STEWART 2001]

“IT’S DEMOCRACY. THEY CAN’T SHUT THAT DOWN.”

TO BRING THIS STORY FULLY INTO THE POLITICS OF THE MOMENT, WE NEED ADDITIONAL CONTEXT · TO CREATE THAT CONTEXT I PRODUCED THIS SEGMENT SYNTHESIZING STEWART’S WORK OVER THE COURSE OF NEARLY 18 YEARS, FROM LAST WEEK BEFORE A CONGRESSIONAL SUBCOMMITTEE RIDDLED WITH ABSENTEE MEMBERS, TO A 2005 FIELD PIECE JON PRODUCED FOR THE DAILY SHOW WITH TREVOR NOAH. TEN MINUTES.

[2005-2019]

STEWART’S NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION SKILLS · AT THE DESK · WIELDING HIS PEN WITH INTENTION · THE BODY LANGUAGE · THE SIDE-EYE · THE PERECTLY TIMED PAUSES · WHAT HE DID LAST WEEK WAS SATIRIZE CONGRESS TO THEIR FACES. ROASTED ‘EM GOOD!

DESPITE A SETTING DESIGNED TO INTIMIDATE WITNESSES HE’S IN TOTAL CONTROL · I’VE SAID IT BEFORE, THE REASON TO PURSUE STAND-UP COMEDY · UNLIKE MANY OF HIS PROGENY JON IS A GREAT STAND-UP · REASON TO PURSUE STAND-UP COMEDY IS NOT TO BECOME A COMEDIAN. IT IS TO BECOME FEARLESS.

BUT THE INSTITUTIONAL CYNICISM STEWART ATTACKED LAST WEEK PALES IN COMPARISON TO THE CYNICISM CONGRESS DISPLAYED IN THE IMMEDIATE AFTERMATH OF THE EVENTS OF SEPTEMBER 11TH 2001. IT IS WHAT CONGRESS DID THE DAY BEFORE STEWART SAID THIS IN HIS SEPTEMBER 20TH 2001 DAILY SHOW MONOLOGUE.

[ANY FOOL]

“ANY FOOL CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP.”

FLY A PLANE INTO A BUILDING AND YOU WILL BE ARRESTED. WHY? BECAUSE IT IS A CRIME TO FLY A PLANE INTO A BUILDING.

BUT WHAT CONGRESS DID THE DAY BEFORE THAT CLIP YOU JUST HEARD WAS A CRIME AGAINST DEMOCRACY.

CONGRESS PASSES A LAW — UNANIMOUS BUT FOR ONE HOLD OUT — CONGRESS PASSES A LAW SAYS CRIMINALS CAN BE TREATED LIKE NATION STATES. IN OTHER WORDS · FLY A PLANE INTO A BUILDING · WHICH WE ALL AGREE IS A CRIMINAL ACT · NEW LAW SAYS THE PERSON WHO HAPPENS TO BE PRESIDENT OF THESE HERE UNITED STATES IS AUTHORIZED IN PERPETUITY TO BOMB YOUR COUNTRY.

THAT’S IS EXACTLY WHAT CONGRESS DID.

BILL MAHER LAST WEEK.

[BUSH BACK]

WANTS TO BRING BUSH BACK! SLIGHTLY TONE DEAF GIVEN THAT LAST WEEK WAS THE THIRD ANNIVERSARY OF THE NIGHTCLUB SHOOTING IN ORLANDO.

WHY THAT SHOOTING, YOU ASK?

FROM THE TRANSCRIPT:

HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR: CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW SO I CAN GET YOU SOME HELP?

29 YEAR OLD SECURITY GUARD OMAR MATEEN: NO. BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO TELL AMERICA TO STOP BOMBING SYRIA AND IRAQ. THEY ARE KILLING A LOT OF INNOCENT PEOPLE. WHAT AM I TO DO HERE WHEN MY PEOPLE ARE GETTING KILLED OVER THERE. YOU GET WHAT I’M SAYING?”

NEGOTIATOR: I DO. I COMPLETELY GET WHAT YOU’RE SAYING. WHAT I’M TRYING TO DO IS PREVENT ANYBODY ELSE FROM GETTING–

MATEEN: YOU NEED TO STOP THE U.S. AIR STRIKES. THEY NEED TO STOP THE U.S. AIR STRIKES, OKAY?

NEGOTIATOR: I UNDERSTAND.

MATEEN: THEY NEED TO STOP THE U.S. AIR STRIKES. YOU HAVE TO TELL THE U.S. GOVERNMENT TO STOP BOMBING. THEY ARE KILLING TOO MANY CHILDREN. THEY ARE KILLING TOO MANY WOMEN. OKAY?

THREE TIMES MATEEN CITES THE PERMANENT GLOBAL WAR ON TERROR AS THE JUSTIFICATION FOR WHAT HE BELIEVES TO BE RETALIATION.

THAT BRINGS US TO THEN-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE BARACK OBAMA, 2008, IOWA CAUCUS VICTORY LAP. ONE MINUTE.

[OBAMA IOWA 2008]

OBAMA MAKES THREE PLEDGES AND THREE PLEDGES ONLY THAT NIGHT: BETTER HEALTH INSURANCE, SOMETHING ABOUT A TAX CUT, AND ENDING THE PREMANENT GLOBAL WAR ON TERROR. BUT, INSTEAD OF ENDING THE WAR, AS PRESIDENT HE RATIFIES AND EXPANDS IT. HE EVEN DOES BUSH ONE BETTER. WITH NO AUTHORIZATION FROM CONGRESS. NO FUNDING FROM CONGRESS. NO PERMISSION SLIP FROM THE PEOPLE. OBAMA UNILATERALLY INJECTS U.S. ARMED FORCES INTO THE LIBYAN CIVIL WAR. THOUSANDS OF SO-CALLED HUMANITARIAN BOMBS DIRED FROM FLYING ROBOTS, DROPPED ON INNOCENT PEOPLE AND TODAY LIBYA IS A SLAVE STATE.

2019 · OF THE 23 DEMOCRATS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT, ONLY TULSI GABBARD, A MEMBER OF CONGRESS FROM HAWAII AND ACTIVE SOLDIER TO THIS DAY, MS. GABBARD IS THE ONLY CANDIDATE TO MAKE ENDING THE PERMANENT GLOBAL WAR ON TERROR THE FOUNDATION OF HER POLITICAL PLATFORM.

GLENN GREENWALD AND JEREMY SCAHILL AND MATT TAIBBI AND OTHER INDEPENDENT JOURNALISTS WITH LARGE FOLLOWINGS WHO OPPOSE THE PERMANENT GLOBAL WAR ON TERROR AND REFUSE TO EMBRACE THE ANYONE BUT TRUMP MANTRA, HAVE BEEN BANNED FROM PLACES LIKE MSNBC. ACCORDINGLY, DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, TULSI GABBARD WITH TUCKER CARLSON ON FOX. ONE MINUTE.

[GABBARD 1]

BESIDES GABBARD, CAN YOU THINK OF ANOTHER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE WHO WAS BOOED FOR ATTACKING THE WASTEFUL, INEFFECTIVE, PERMANENT GLOBAL WAR ON TERROR? HERE’S A HINT. IT HAPPENED DURING THE 2016 SOUTH CAROLINA REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY.

[TRUMP SC 1]

SOULLESS, PRIG, JEB BUSH RESPONDS.

[TRUMP SC 2]

NEXT DAY · I’M NOT EVEN MAKING THIS UP · NEXT DAY, WASHINGTON POST AND OTHER OUTLETS SPECULATE THAT AFTER TRUMP’S ATTACK ON THE WAR, JEB BUSH COULD WELL WIN THE SOUTH CAROLINA PRIMARY, WHICH IS A TEN WAY RACE. INSTEAD · TRUMP THE WAR PROTESTOR WINS BY DOUBLE DIGITS, JEB FINISHES FOURTH, AND THAT NIGHT SUSPENDS HIS CAMPAIGN.

[GABBARD 2]

THE LAW CONGRESS PASSED AND PRESIDENT BUSH SIGNED THE DAY BEFORE JON STEWART’S STATUTE OF LIBERTY MONOLOGUE, THAT LAW SAYS INDIVIDUALS SHOULD BE MET NOT WITH DUE PROCESS, BUT WITH ZERO TOLERANCE MILITARY FORCE FOR THEIR CRIMES, NO MATTER WHERE THEY ARE IN THE WORLD, INCLUDING UNITED STATES CITIZENS IN THE UNITED STATES. OBAMA USES THE LAW TO ASSASSINATE YOUR FELLOW CITIZENS WITH ROBOTS. INCLUDING A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD BOY FROM COLORADO.

WHAT WAS IT JON STEWART SAID: “IT’S DEMOCRACY. THEY CAN’T SHUT THAT DOWN.”

BUT CONGRESS. DID. BUSH DID. OBAMA DID. WHEN YOU ASK QUESTIONS LIKE: “WHAT HAPPENS IF WE DON’T ACCUSE HIM” AND SOMEONE ANSWERS: “THEN WE CAN KILL HIM” THAT IS THE VERY DEFINITION OF SHUTTING DEMOCRACY DOWN.

THE LAW CONGRESS PASSED · CALLED THE AUTHORIZATION TO USE MILITARY FORCE · PUBLIC LAW 107-40 · THAT LAW HAS BEEN USED TO JUSTFY MASS SURVEILLANCE, THE OPENING OF GTMO, WHICH OBAMA PROMISED TO CLOSE. STILL OPEN DETAINING PEOPLE TO THIS DAY WHO STAND ACCUSED OF NOTHING. THAT’S CLOSING DEMOCRACY DOWN.

OBAMA APOLOGISTS BLAME MITCH MCCONNELL. BUT OBAMA WENT AROUND MCCONNELL AND THE ENTIRE CONGRESS AND 330 MILLION POF YOUR FELLOW CITIZENS WHEN HE ATTACKED LIBYA, PROVING THAT WHEN HE DECIDES TO ARROGATE POWER UNTO HIMSELF HE’S QUITE CAPABLE OF DOING JUST THAT!

LAST WEEK — NOT EVEN MAKING THIS UP — LAST WEEK OVER BREAKFAST WITH SEA FUCKING GULL, READING NY TIMES. RECURRING SERIES OF COLUMNS CALLED “THE PRIVACY ROJECT” HEADLINE: “HOW FACIAL RECOGNITION MAKES YOU SAFER.” WRITTEN BY NEW YORK CITY POLICE COMMISSIONER. “HOW FACIAL RECOGNIATION MAKES YOU SAFER?”

SAFER THAN WHAT? OR IS IT: “SAFER FROM WHAT?”

“THERE’S A BLACK MAN PARKED IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE!”

TO MY MANY LISTENERS IN IRAN · THE LAW I SPEAK OF IS UNFORTUNATELY STILL ON THE BOOKS · BUT I CAN PRACTICALLY GUARANTEE YOU TRUMP WILL NOT USE IT. WHY? BECAUSE AS WANDA SYKES SAYS: “THINGS ARE NOT NORMAL.”

THE BEST THING ABOUT TRUMP · I MEAN THIS FOR REAL · UNLIKE THE BUSHES AND THE CLINTONS · BEST THING ABOUT TRUMP IS THAT HE IS NOT PERSONAL FRIENDS WITH THE PEOPLE WHO RUN THE RISK MANAGEMENT INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX. HE DOESN’T SAY THINGS SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF IMPERIALISM. HE DOESN’T SAY THINGS LIKE: “WE WILL PURSUE UNITED STATES INTERESTS AND LIBERATE THE PEOPLE OF INSERT COUNTY HERE BY WORKING WITH OUR FRIENDS AND PARTNERS IN THE REGION.” THIS IS THE WALKBACK LANGUAGE OF TRUMP LAST NIGHT ON THE WAY TO THE PLANE.

[IRAN DIALBACK]

EVERY DAY THE PRESIDENT PRODUCES A SHOW CALLED RE-ELECT DONALD TRUMP. IRAN, ACCORDINGLY, IS SAFE.

FOR HIS PART, EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO, JON STEWART, A COMEDIAN. JON STEWART, AMERICA’S ANCHOR OF THE ORIGINAL FAKE NEWS TEAM, BEFORE ANYONE REALIZED THE NEVERENDING, MULTIPLE REGIME WARS TO COME, THE CREATION OF HOMELAND SECURITY, CRIMINAL PATDOWNS OF BABIES AND GRANDMOTHERS AT THE AIRPORT, THE MURDER OF CITIZENS BY A PRESIDENT SELLING HOPE AND CHANGE, THE INCARCERATION OF INDIVIDUALS ACCUSED OF NOTHING · BEFORE ALL OF THAT DEMOCRACY SHREDDING ACTIVITY · EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO, THROUGH HIS GRIEF, THROUGH FRESH TEARS, JON STEWART TACITLY RECOGNIZED THAT THE DESTRUCTION OF THE WORLD TRADE CENTER WAS NOT AN ACT OF WAR, IT WAS CHUCKLEHEADS COMMITTING A CRIME.

[ANY FOOL]

THE NOT NORMAL PART IS THAT IF THIS REPUBLICAN PRESIDENT LAUNCHES A REGIME CHANGE WAR IN IRAN, HE IS DONE. FINISHED. SHOW CANCELLED.

THAT SAME UPSIDE DOWN WORLD, WHILE THE OTHER 22 DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES ARE PREOCCUPIED NAVIGATING GENDER PRONOUNS, TULSI GABBARD, POLLS AT 1%, GETTING ZERO TRACTION FOR OPPOSING THE PERMANENT GLOBAL WAR ON TERROR THAT UNDID DEMOCRACY AND MATERIALLY CONTRIBUTED TO THE FACT OF PRESIDENT TRUMP.

[MUSIC UP]

TEN MINUTES FROM NOW, THE CLOSING MONOLOGUE I WILL TELL YOU ABOUT SOME FUNNY PEOPLE WORKING TO RESTORE DEMOCRACY, EVEN AS THE DOUR, SOUL-SUCKING PRIGS WORK TO FURTHER WEAKEN IT!

BUT, FIRST WE HAVE TO HAND OUT THE AWARDS FOR PUN OF THE WEK, FAIL OF THE WEEK, AND THE SOON TO BE COVETTED SIS BOOM BAA AWARD FOR JOKE OF THE WEEK, WHICH WE WILL DO RIGHT AFTER WE SPEND TWO MINUTES WITH GUEST OF THE WEEK, LOUIE ANDERSON!

[ANDERSON-AWDS]

THE GREAT COMEDIANS THINK THINGS THROUGH.
JOY BEHAR GOES: “SERIOUSLY? ANNE FRANK?”
JEFF ROSS IS LIKE: “I ROAST ANNE FRANK BECAUSE ANNE FRANK INSPIRES ME. I LOVE ANNE FRANK!”

THE GREAT COMEDIANS NEVER GO FOR THE OBVIOUS FIRST JOKE.
THE ALUMNI OF STEWART’S SYSTEM AT THE DAILY SHOW KNEW THEY HAD BETTER NOT SHOW UP IN THE WRITING ROOM WITH A PUNCHLINE WORTHY OF A FIRST DRAFT. WHEN JON STRAPS ON HIS METAPHORICAL DEW RAW AND EYE PATCH AND LEVELS THAT HEARING ROOM WITH SATIRE, THAT IS A 50TH DRAFT HE USED TO ROAST AND ROLL THOSE PAYROLL PATRIOTS.

PURE ACT OF LOVE.

THE NIGHT OF SEPTEMBER 20TH 2001, STEWART TALKS ABOUT OPEN SATIRE · POLITICAL SATIRE · THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING FREE AND BEING BURDENED · GOES WITHOUT SAYING.

AND YET, ON JUNE 10TH, NEW YORK TIMES · THIS BEARS REPEATING · THE FUCKING NEW YORK TIMES DICTATED THAT IT WILL NO LONGER PUBLISH POLITICAL CARTOONS. AND PATRICK CHAPPATTE IS OUT OF WORK. WASN’T EVEN HIS CARTOON!

[PACKAGE]

IRONY OF COURSE IS THAT THE NEW YORK TIMES REGULARLY LIKENS THE PRESIDENT TO A DICTATOR.

THINK ABOUT IT. GOT A GUY, THE PRESIDENT, WHO CAN HOLD A ROOM SPELLBOUND FOR AN HOUR. A GUY WHO HECKLES. A GUY WHO MOCKS. A GUY WHO DESTROYS OPPONENTS WITH SATIRE. A GUY WHO EMBODIES MARK TWAIN’S MANTRA THAT AMID THE ASSAULT OF LAUGHTER NOTHING CAN STAND. THAT’S THE PERCEIVED DICTATOR YOU’RE TRYING TO DETRONE AND THAT’S WHEN YOU DECIDE TO END POLITICAL SATIRE BY LAUNCHING A PREEMPTIVE STRIKE ON CARTOONS.

WHAT DID STEWART SAY? “IT’S DEMOCRACY. YOU CAN’T SHUT THAT DOWN.”

NOW WHO OWNS THE FIRST AMENDMENT?

[TRUMP 1]

WHO ELSE OWNS THE FIRST AMENDMENT?

[TEXAS]

GOVERNOR OF TEXAS.

[FLAG BURNING]

THE FIRST AMENDMENT PRESIDENT. NOT A HINT OF IRONY. THINK ABOUT IT. WHO WOULD PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO A FLAG YOU’RE NOT FREE TO BURN? A CITIZEN WHO IS AT LIBERTY TO SET FIRE TO A SYMBOL, IS LESS LIKELY ARE LESS LIKELY TO SHOOT UP A NIGHTCLUB!

AND YET, IT IS UNFORTUNATELY ALL TOO EASY TO IMAGINE THE CONSTITUTIONAL CONVENTION WHERE THE ANTI-FLAG BURNING PEOPLE AND THE HATE SPEECH PEOPLE ARE LIKE: “YOU SUPPORT MY AMENDMENT, I’LL SUPPORT YOURS” AND JUST LIKE THAT, FREE SPEECH IS NO LONGER A THING.

TO THE STUFFY, DOUR, PRIGS AMONG US I CALL BULLSHIT.

TOP TEN SELLING BROADWAY SHOWS? NUMBER ONE? LION KING. NUMBER SIX? JERSEY BOYS. NUMBER EIGHT? BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. WEDGED BETWEEN NUMBER SIX AND NUMBER EIGHT IS THE NUMBER SEVEN BEST SELLING BROADWAY SHOW OF ALL TIME. FROM THE CREATORS OF SOUTH PARK. IT’S THE BOOK OF MORMON. HOW MANY TONY AWARDS? NINE. NINE TONY AWARDS.

AS AN ACT OF CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE, FROM THE NUMBER SEVEN BEST SELLING BROADWAY SHOW OF ALL TIME, RECIPIENT OF NINE TONY AWARDS, FROM THE BOOK OF MORMON · HASA DIGA EE-BOO-EYE!

[MUSIC]

TO REACH OUT MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM MARK AT MARK WHITNEY DOT COM. LATE NITE LAST WEEK IS A PRODUCTION OF SIS BOOM BAA LLC.