20190723-Script

[OPEN A]

YOU THINK YOU’VE GOT PROBLEMS!

[METHGATORS]

TAKE A METHGATOR OVER AN ALIGATOR ANY DAY. NO WAY METHGATORS HAVE TEETH. HOW YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A GREAT LIFE · GOT TIME TO WORRY ABOUT METHGATORS CRAWLING UP FROM THE SEWER. BUT THAT’S NOT WHY I CALLED. COLBERT 90 SECONDS.

[SC SETUP]

GOOD JOKE RIGHT THERE. THAT SAID, IF 100% OF THE PEOPLE AGREE PRESIDENT IS A RACIST · EVERYONE AGREES · 100% · NO QUESTION ABOUT IT · DONALD TRUMP IS A RACIST · WHAT CHANGES? · DOES THAT MEAN CONGRESSWOMAN ILHAN OMAR CAN SAFELY ATTEND A TRUMP RALLY?

LOOK CLOSELY INTO YOUR PHONE · LOOK AT ME · BLONDE HAIR, BLUE EYES AND NOT GUILTY SKIN PIGMENTATION · I HAVE THE RUN OF THE COUNTRY · I CAN ATTEND A TRUMP RALLY WITHOUT FEAR. WHAT FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLE OF CIVIC LIFE IS AT STAKE WHEN MARK WHITNEY HAS THE RUN OF THE COUNTRY AND ILHAN OMAR DOES NOT? THAT’S WHAT WE ARE GOING TO UNPACK TODAY IN THE USUAL DARKLY HILARIOUS FASHION.

[GRAHAM 1]

…LONGTIME SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM…

[GRAHAM 2]

…DURING THE 2016 CAMPAIGN WHEN HIS APPROVAL RATING WAS 15%…

[GRAHAM 3]

…SAME LINDSEY GRAHAM LAST WEEK…

[GRAHAM 4]

…CARE TO GUESS WHAT HIS APPROVAL RATING IS SINCE HE BECAME DONALD TRUMP’S POODLE? 15% FOR RELIGIOUS BIGOT. PLAY GOLF WITH THE PRESIDENT? 75%. 500% INCREASE! “WHOSE A GOOD DOG?!”

TODAY’S SHOW ENDS WITH A SEVEN MINUTE JOKE OF THE WEEK. OUR LONGEST EVER JOKE OF THE WEEK. GUESTS OF THE WEEK MARTIN SHORT, JOHN OLIVER, UNKNOWN COMIC OF THE WEEK DUSTY SLAY KILLS ON FALLON, AND IT’S ALWAYS A TREAT WHEN AETHIST RICKY GERVAIS TALKS DEATH WITH PRACTICING CATHOLIC STEPHEN COLBERT.

[GERVAIS]

GREAT SHOW · SHOWS HAVE BEEN LESS FREQUENT SINCE I AM HIP DEEP INTO WRITING MY FIRST BOOK · WORKING TITLE FOR WHICH IS CALLED “LIBERTY STREET” · MANY COMMITTED LISTENERS CONTINUE TO EXPRESS CONCERN THAT I AM KILLING THE SHOW. NOT HAPPENING. IN FACT, MY INTENTION IS TO CONTINUE THIS SERIES AT LEAST UNTIL THE END OF 2020 AT WHICH POINT I WILL HAVE DONE THIS FOR FIVE YEARS.

LET’S GET STARTED BY INTRODUCING MY SOMEWHAT GUESTS ALL UNWITTING VYING FOR THE SOON TO BE COVETED SIS BOOM BAA AWARD FOR JOKE OF THE WEEK. I’M TALKING ABOUT AMERICA’S CONTINGENT OF LATE NIGHT POLITICAL PUNSTERS BEGINNING WITH…

[HSTS-WHITNEY]

THANK YOU, SHADOE! PICTURE PERFECT DAY IN SAN DIEGO. EARTHQUAKES IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA. LIGHTS GO OUT IN NEW YORK! BLACKOUT. EVEN OUR OUTAGES ARE RACIST.

I WAS TOLD TO GO HOME ONCE. PARKING LOT OF THE PRICE CHOPPER IN MILTON VERMONT. GOTTA CALIFORNIA PLATE. SOME YAHOO GOES: “WELCOME TO VERMONT. NOW GO HOME!”

I’M A WORD GUY · THERE’S A NEW PHRASE · “MINORITY CONGRESSWOMEN” AS IN “THE FOUR MINORITY CONGRESSWOMEN.” WE DON’T CALL WHITE, BLUE-EYED LINDSEY GRAHAM MAJORITY SENATOR. WE CALL HIM SENATOR GRAHAM.

I GET WHY TRUMP DOES IT. ESPECIALLY A MUSLIM. UNITED STATES SPENT THE PAST 20 YEARS SLAUGHTERING HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF INNOCENT MUSLIMS. WE ELECTED A PRESIDENT WHO IMPLEMENTS A MUSLIM BAN. WE HAVE MUSLIMS IN CAGES IN CUBA ACCUSED OF NOTHING. OBAMA KILLED MUSLIM CITIZENS WITH DRONES. THE OFFICIAL, UNSPOKEN POSITION OF THE UNITED STATES IS THAT WE HATE MUSLIMS. THAT’S WHAT HATE LOOKS LIKE.

BUT, IN OUR EVERY DAY DAILY LIVES WE ARE TOO QUICK TO INVOKE THE TERM “HATE.” QUESTIONING YOUR GOVERNMENT IS NOT HATE. NOT LIKING IS NOT HATE · MAKING FUN OF DIFFERENCES IS NOT HATE · CHOOSING ONE OVER ANOTHER IS NOT HATE · IF I SAY I LIKE CATS, IT DOES NOT MEAN I HATE DOGS · I SPENT 1992 IN FEDERAL PRISON · VERY LITTLE FREEDOM · BUT WE WERE FREE TO SIT ANYWHERE AT MEAL TIME IN A 300 SEAT CAFETERIA THAT RAN THREE SHIFTS FOR 900 PRISONERS · YOU WALK IN OFF THE STREET YOU SEE MUSLIMS SITTING WITH MUSLIMS, JEWS SITTING WITH JEWS, AFRICAN AMERICANS FROM NEW YORK, BALTIMORE AND PHILLY SITTING TOGETHER, WHITE PEOPLE SITTING TOGETHER · THAT A MUSLIM IS MORE COMFORTABLE SITTING WITH HIS MUSLIM BROTHERS DOES NOT MEAN HE HATES THE JEWS · I RECALL VERY LITTLE HATEFUL TALK · THE INTEGRATED TABLE WAS THOSE OF US WHO HUNG OUT IN THE LAW LIBRARY · I COULD HAVE SOUGHT OUT THE ONE OTHER VERMONT PRISONER OUT OF 900 MEN ENCAGED THERE · BUT HE PLED GUILTY · HE’S NOT PROSECUTING AN APPEAL · HE’S NOT FIGHTING HIS CASE · I AM · AND SO IS NADIR AND YOUSEF AND MICHAEL SCHNEIDERMAN AND VINCE CATALFO AND PETER SCHMIDT AND ARMANDO DICOSTANZA · CATHOLICS, JEWS, MUSLIMS, PROTESTANTS, AETHIESTS, EVERY SHADE OF BROWN AND BLACK · ABOUT A DOZEN OF US · ALL OF US YOUR FELLOW CITIZENS · STRANGE AS IT MAY SOUND, WHAT WE DEMAND FROM OUR GOVERNMENT IS THE SAME THING ILHAN OMAR DEMANDS · “BE TRUE TO WHAT YOU SAY ON PAPER” · WE DEMAND JUSTICE · WE DEMAND YOU BE TRUE TO THE CONSTITUTION · FIFTEEN MONTHS INTO A THREE YEAR SENTENCE I WALKED OUT THE DOOR · MY TERM OF IMPRISONMENT DECLARED UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

IF ONE CITIZEN HAS THE RUN OF THE COUNTRY AND ANOTHER CITIZEN DOESN’T · IF I CAN SAFELY ATTENDED A TRUMP RALLY AND OMAR HAS TO THINK TWICE, WE DON’T HAVE EQUAL PROTECTION OF THE LAW IN THE UNITED STATES. THAT’S THE END OF THE INQUIRY!

OUR CIVIL LAWS STAND FOR THE PROPOSITION THAT RACE DOESN’T MATTER. RELIGION DOESN’T MATTER. NATIONAL ORIGIN DOESN’T MATTER.

WHY ARE EMPLOYERS ARE FORBIDDEN FROM CONSIDERING SKIN COLOR? BECAUSE IT DOESN’T MATTER.

WHICH MAKES TREMENDOUS SENSE BECAUSE CONSIDERING SKIN COLOR · WHY NOT CONSIDER EYE COLOR WHILE YOU’RE AT IT!

[RACISM 1]

BUT LET’S SAY YOU WANT SKIN COLOR TO MATTER. YOU NOT ONLY WANT IT TO MATTER. YOU WANT IT TO BE DISPOSITIVE. AND YOU WANT MAKE SURE THIS UNLAWFUL CONDITION IS PERMANENT. WHAT DO YOU DO?

[RACISM 2]

YOU DENY IT. YOU REDIRECT. HE’S PROUD OF HIS HERITAGE. GOOD FOR HIM. AND ALSO FUCK HIM! SENATE MAJORITY LEADER MITCH MCCONNELL.

[RACISM 3]

“PRESIDENT IS NOT A RACIST.”

[RACISM 4]

PRESIDENT IS NOT THE RACIST YOU ARE! MITT ROMNEY.

[RACISM 5]

FORMER REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE THE INTERPID MITT ROMNEY: “GOTTA RUN! BINDERS OF WOMEN WAITING FOR ME BACK AT THE OFFICE!”

THE WAY YOU MAKE THIS UNCONSTITUTIONAL CONDITION PERMANENT · THIS CONDITION WHERE SOME CITIZENS HAVE THE RUN OF THE COUNTRY AND OTHER CITIZENS DO NOT · TO CEMENT THIS UNCONSTITUTIONAL CONDITION IN OUR CIVIC LIVES IS VERY SIMPLE.

YOU DENY IT. YOU DENY IT’S EVEN A THING. ALL WHILE POINTING THE FINGER AT YOUR CRITICS. SO EASY IN THE AGE OF IDENTITARIANISM. SENATOR AYANNA PRESSLEY.

[PRESSLEY]

THAT NEEDS A REFRAME BECAUSE SHE GETS NOWHERE WITHOUT THE SUPPORT OF HER FELLOW, PRINCIPLED WHITE CITIZENS, LIKE MYSELF AND I SUSPECT MANY OF YOU, WHO ALSO EXPECT YOUR GOVERNMENT TO BE TRUE TO WHAT IT SAYS ON PAPER. TRUE TO THE RULE OF LAW.

[MEYERS]

THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION IS YES!

[SPENCER 1]

NEO-NAZI RICHARD SPENCER.

[SPENCER 2]

IT TAKES A REAL NAZI TO SPOT A WANNABE!

[SPENCER 3]

YOU CALL THAT RACISM?

[SPENCER 4]

NEO NAZI PERSPECTIVE IT’S ALL A DISTRACTION, WHICH KINDA PUTS HIM ON THE SAME PAGE WITH ILHAN OMAR.

[OMAR]

THE RED HAT TRUMPS THE HEADSCARF. WHY? BECAUSE WHATEVER ELSE CAN BE SAID ABOUT DONALD TRUMP IT CANNOT BE SAID THAT HE IS NOT FIRST AND FOREMOST A TRANSACTIONALIST.

[TRUMP 1]

TRANSACTIONALIST · MARKET-DRIVEN CHAMELEON · HE DOESN’T CREATE THE MARKET · HE FIRMS IT UP · BUT THE MARKET IS THERE · ESPECIALLY AS IT APPLIES TO MUSLIMS · WHAT SEPARATES TRUMP FROM SAY JEB BUSH IS NOT THAT THAT TRUMP IS NOT AFRAID TO SAY WHAT HE BELIEVES · IT’S THAT TRUMP IS NOT AFRAID TO SAY WHAT YOU BELIEVE!

[TRUMP 2]

THAT’S THE PRESIDENT, SAME RALLY IN GREENVILLE THANKING THE DEMOCRATS. DO YOU KNOW WHY HE’S THANKING THEM? FOR VOTING NOT TO IMPEACH HIM. WASN’T EVEN CLOSE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY VOTED DOWN: “THAT DONALD TRUP IS UNFIT TO DEFEND THE AMERICAN IDEAL OF ALL PERSONS BEING CREATED EQUAL AS EXALTED IN THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE, IS UNFIT TO ENSURE DOMESTIC TRANQUILTY, BY SAYING THAT OUR FELLOW AMERICANS WHO ARE IMMIGRANTS, AND THOSE WHO LOOK TO THE PRESIDENT LIKE IMMIGRANTS SHOULD GO BACK TO OTHER COUNTRIES, BY REFERRING TO IMMIGRANTS AND ASYLUM SEEKERS AS INVADERS.

EVERY MEMBER OF CONGRESS WHO VOTED AGAINST THAT RESOLUTION SAID WE DON’T CARE WHAT IT SAYS ON PAPER. THAT’S WHAT CONGRESS DIDN’T DO. WHAT DID IT DO?

[RESOLUTION]

ZERO LEGISLATIVE PUSHBACK · YOUR PROBLEM IS NOT WITH TRUMP · IT IS WITH CONGRESS · THAT’S WHERE THE IRONY OF THE SQUAD COMES IN · FACT IS THAT THE FRESHMAN CLASS OF 2018 HOUSE DEMOCRATS IS NOT DEFINED BY FOUR WOMEN WITH FIRST NAMES LIKE ILHAN, AYANNA, RASHIDA AND LAST NAMES LIKE OCASIO-CORTEZ, OMAR AND TALIB.

THE FRESHMAN CLASS OF 2018 HOUSE DEMOCRATS IS OVERWHELMING COMPRISED OF AN ASSORTMENT OF FORMER CIA AGENTS, PROSECUTORS, AND VENTURE CAPITALISTS. YOU CANNOT NAME ONE OF THEM. WHY? BECAUSE, UNLIKE THE SQUAD, THEY DO EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO AVOID THINGS LIKE CAMERAS, MICROPHONES, AND PRESIDENTIAL CROSSHAIRS.

THE SO-CALLED “FOUR MINORITY CONGRESSWOMEN” ARE KILLING IT. YOU KNOW THEIR NAMES BECAUSE THESE REPRESENTATIVES REPRESENT A THREAT BECAUSE THEY LITERALLY REPRESENT!

THEY DO NOT THREATEN DONALD TRUMP. THEY THREATEN ASSIMILATIONSISTS LIKE NANCY PELOSI BY SHINING A LIGHT ON THE LACK OF LEGISLATIVE OPPOSITION.

IF YOU’RE A LAID OFF COAL MINER AND YOU SEE CONGRESSWOMAN ILHAN OMAR WITH POWER, PRESTIGE, UPWARDLY MOBILE, THE TRANSACTIONALIST HAS GREAT NEWS. HE WANTS TO PUT YOU ON THE PAYROLL. EXCEPT THE CURRENCY OF EXCHANGE IS PSYCHOLOGICAL. IT’S A RED CAP AND A FREE TICKET TO A TRUMP RALLY.

PRESIDENT EARLIER TODAY IN MICHIGAN.

[DT/TALIB]

BE DOESN’T HAVE TO SAY “SAND NI**ER.” HE HAD THEM AT TALIB!

[MUSIC UP]

COMMITTED LISTENERS KNOW NOBODY DOES TALKSHOW BETTER THAN MARTIN SHORT. I RECENTLY LEARNED THAT IN ADVANCE OF A FIVE MINUTE APPEARANCE MARTIN SUBMITS 30 OR SO PAGES OF IDEAS TO THE SEGMENT PRODUCER. FROM THE THIRTY PAGES THE PRODUCERS EXTRACTS SET UP QUESTIONS FOR THE HOST AND SHORT IS OFF TO THE RACES.

[ENT1/TWITTER]

COUPLA WEEKS BACK PRESIDENT INVITED A BUNCH OF HIS BIGGEST ONLINE CHEERLEADERS TO THE WHITE HOUSE. SO IT’S NOT LIKE THERE IS ANY QUESTION WHAT DEMOCRATS ARE UP AGAINST.

[TWITTER 2]

LAYS HIS MARKETING PLAN BARE FOR ANYONE ELSE TO FOLLOW.

[TWITTER 3]

IF THE POLITICAL WINDS WERE DIFFERENTLY BLOWING THE TRANSACTIONALIST WOULLD BE TILTING AT WINDMILLS AND SOLAR PANELS, WHILE DOING PILATES AND DRINKING KAMBUCHA.

UNKNOWN COMIC OF THE WEEK DUSTY SLAY FOLLOWS STAND-UP TRUMP AND JOHN OLIVER TALKS BEYONCE. AWARDS ARE LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES AWAY!

[ENT2/AWDS]

KANYE WEST WITH DAVID LETTERMAN. LISTEN TO THAT AGAIN.

AS A CITIZEN YOUR CIVIC LIFE COMPELS YOU TO DEMAND THAT YOUR REPRESENTATIVES STAY TRUE TO WHAT IT SAYS ON PAPER.

YOUR PERSONAL LIFE DEMANDS YOU REMAIN TRUE TO YOURSELF.

[KANYE 2]

KANYE WEST HAS BEEN OPEN ABOUT THE PROBLEMS AND OPPORTUNITIES IN HIS LIFE. HE REJECTS IDENTITARIANISM. GOT HIMSELF A DIRECT LINE TO THE WHITE HOUSE. HIS WIFE, KIM, IS THE HIGH PROFILE FACE OF PRISON REFORM. WHICH IS A START. THE TRANSACTIONALIST WILL SIGN ANYTHING.

MY MOM IS IN HER EIGHTIES LIVES IN MASSACHUSETTS. IN THE MASSACHUSETTS PRIMARY SHE’S GOING TO VOTE FOR ELIZABETH WARREN.

[WARREN 1]

MOM HAS NEVER VOTED FOR A REPUBLICAN. BUT HERE’S WHAT MOM SAYS ABOUT NORTH KOREA.

[MOM]

FUN TO WATCH.

[WARREN 2]

COULD NOT HAVE DONE BETTER MYSELF. PERFECTLY DELIVERED.

MOM DOESN’T HAVE A COMPUTER. USES A FLIP PHONE. NO INTERNET. DOESN’T WATCH CABLE NEWS. EVERYTHING SHE KNOWS ABOUT TRUMP SHE KNOWS FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES AND CBS EVENING NEWS. THAT’S HER BUBBLE.

LIKEWISE, IF THE ONLY THING YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT RALLY IN GREENVILLE IS THAT SOME PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE CHANTED “SEND HER BACK”, THEN YOU DON’T KNOW THAT HILLARY WON GREENVILE BY EIGHT POINTS, YOU ARE WOEFULLY UNPREPARED FOR THE COMING 2020 TSUNAMI.

I AM NOT A TRUMP SUPPORTER BECAUSE TRUMP IS A BAD MAN. BUT HE SLINGS JOKES WITH THE BEST OF US, REVEALING HARD TRUTH AFTER HARD TRUTH ABOUT WHO WE REALLY ARE.

THE PROMISE OF BEING TRUE TO WHAT WE SAY ON PAPER WILL NEVER BE REALIZED UNLESS WE GET THE POISON OUT. IF YOU WANT TO RETURN TO SO-CALLED NORMAL OF HEAR NO EVIL, SPEAK NO EVIL, SEE NO EVIL · IF YOU BELIEVE TRANSACTIONALISTS ON THE OTHER SIDE WHO SAY THIS IS SO SURPRISING PEOPLE FEEL THIS WAY · DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT · DON’T WANT TO SEE IT · DON’T WANT TO THINK IT · MOST OF ALL DON’T WANT TO FEEL IT · BRUSH IT BACK UNDDER THE RUG · MAYBE YOU DON’T DESERVE A REPUBLIC!